And it's only been ten years.
It's been an exhausting trip to Beijing and Hong Kong the past few weeks. A good trip. Part family, part fun, part introspective.
I didn't pick up any new conclusions, but the mind has expanded in multiple directions. Nothing concrete or enlightening, but eye opening.
If anyone is reading this, early Merry Christmas to you.
I thought it’d be amazing. I thought it’d be the end to all my troubles. I thought it’d be a new beginning. In a sense it was, but it hasn’t. Things haven’t changed. What’s grim is still grim. What’s under the shadows is still there.
You know there is a lot of darkness out here
We watch it all the time
When I’m busy looking at the darkness and
Bang there’s some darkness over there
Do you ever wonder how everyone around you's lives would be different if you never existed? Or simply disappeared? I think lots of people do... and probabaly over estimate, what we mean to others. Family, yes definitely. But from there on... as the days go by.
Sometimes I find the chilly air soothing. When I take it in, and it chills to the bone. It's letting go, and accepting the inevitable. Coming to terms with the shittyness of life. No more fighting, no more strain.
Alcohol numbs the mind, taking away the dark thoughts. It's only a means to an end.
This world ain't about how hard you work, how determined you are, or how genuine you are. It's all chance, and malice. That's all that there is. All.
Who has the answers? I wonder, I turn to my elders
They aged and experienced, but they can't even tell ya
or tell me, that there'll be light at the end of the road
Cause they don't even know
Somewhere, somehow, I didn't just take a wrong step or a detour - I lost the destination. I lost the map... and the compass. It's a jungle, and it is everyone for themselves.
I built the fire, a temporary shelter. But it's destroyed night after night, without a thing I can do about it. What options do I have? Keep on like this with no end in sight. Wander out to feed the wolves. Fuck it all.
Months, years, and a decade pass by. It's as if time has stood still. Not a thing is different, except for my age and innocence. No longer naive or hopeful.
I scramble, for any way out.
It didn't seem like much at first, and I didn't think much of it.
But it's become apparent.
JM is pregnant, and due in August. It was unexpected, it was a surprise. She and CJ had just starting dating a week before they found out the news. They decided to keep the baby. CJ was supposed to join the army this summer, finally having done all the tests and various security approvals, but he declined in the end. JM is working p/t still, since CJ no longer has a permanent job due to the army plans. They decided to get married, with the wedding taking place a few weeks ago. There was never plans for this, until news of the baby. Hell there was never plans for this to be a long term relationship. But it happened. CJ has had a brutal experience with his now divorced wife, losing just about everything he owned in the process. But here and now, he pressed on.
Everything sounds simply so ordinary, but really extraodinary.
How envious I am. How happy for them I am.
There was only one problem. I'm just alone and miserable.
Blending into dull tableaux
I want them back
Going to Mexico on Saturday, one week. I am excited, but no longer like years ago when I first went to Dominican. It just ain't the same. Knowing that magic won't happen, not being able to believe anymore. Back then I'd think good things would happen. Now after three years, I no longer believe.
I know we don't live here anymore
We bought an old house on the Danforth
She loves me and her body keeps me warm
I am happy there
But this is where we used to live
That is what my first therapy session brought me, a few years ago.
In retrospect, maybe she was right - about the abandonment, but not so much focused on my parents. My whole life I feel I have been abandoned by people. Not in particular my parents, but everyone. And I still do.
"My life is like a revolving door. They just come and go."