It hurts. It stings. It's crazy. I saw it coming, but I really didn't. I was asking for it, but I really didn't.
But I really didn't.
Why is there no story book ending? Why.
'Coz it's real life? Or is it just me, 'coz I see it happening.
What. Why. How. Tell me. Explain to me. Justify to me.
"This way... is a water slide that takes you further every day, be cool..."
Is that what we like to think when things aren't well, just to let ourselves feel a little better?
It didn't work out, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
Or was it really, it didn't work out, because we could've done otherwise... yet, as one of us took a step forward, the other would take two steps back.
Some things. I just don't understand.
Some things, I wish I didn't have to understand.
And here I go, again.
It's as they say, to be feeling lonely within a crowd of friends.
Happy Merry Christmas, folks.
Pray for me if it ain’t too much brother
Whatever don’t break me or make me stronger
I feel like I can’t take too much longer
It’s too much lyin’
And too much fryin’
I’m all cried out cause I grew up cryin’
They all got a sales pitch I ain’t buyin’
They tryin’ to convince me that I ain’t tryin’
And tired and sick of being sick and tired.
That me has died. In silence.
I don't know how it happened, and I don't know how to bring him back. Because once again just about everything has lost meaning to me. I stopped caring and I don't know how to get back. Because I just don't care. The first time, the person is usually just saying it. But after repeated realizations, some things actually start to sink in.
The only link left is my family, whom I love. The previous generation... but don't have my own "family".
When my eyes see you, and the way it makes me feel.
How beautiful you are. With your smile, your eyes, your hair, your everything.
Even your imperfections makes you perfect in my eyes.
But I should never tell you how I feel, when I know it`s a lost cause.
I haven't gone as far as asking if I could get with her
I just play it by ear and hope she gets the picture
But she`s seeing someone. Or she thinks of me only as a friend.
There`s never romance. It seems to come along with the asshole persona.
Nice guys don`t always finish last, sometimes we don`t get to finish.
Now there she goes again, the dopest Ethiopian
And now the world around me be gets movin in slow motion
when-ever she happens to walk by - why does the apple of my eye
overlook and disregard my feelings no matter how much I try?
I will never learn. She's always seeing someone else.
Is she saying that just to blow me off nicely?
I don't know. I will never know.
Girls at work. Never should. But it's hard when you interact with them more than everyone else.
"I am trying to be what you're dying to see."
Then just a little bit of that emptiness is filled. Only a little corner. But it's better than nothing.
I was wrong.
It's never gone away. It never will. It always will be.
Realization is very painful, may I add.
She adores me, and really likes me a lot. That she sees us being together for a long long time.
She says that we have so much in common.
She's so comfortable with me, and she's physically attracted to me.
She also says that of all the other guys. Bitch.
Cut me a break? They won't, so I try to make my own break, but the world just won't have it.
Pharcyde - Passing Me By
When I dream of fairy tales I think of me and Shelly
See shes my type of hype and I cant stand when brothers tell me
That I should quit chasin' and look for something better
But the smile that she shows makes me a go-getter
I haven't gone as far as asking if I could get with her
I just play it by ear and hope she gets the picture
I'm shootin' for her heart, got my finger on the trigger
She could be my broad, and I could be her nigga
But, all I can do is stare...
Back as kids we used to kiss when we played truth or dare
Now shes more sophisticated, highly edu-ma-cated
Not at all over-rated, I think I need a prayer
To get in her boots and it looks rather dry
I guess a twinkle in her eye is just a twinkle in her eye
Although shes crazy stepping, Ill try to stop her stride
Cause I wont have no more of this passin' me by
Now there she goes again, the dopest ethiopian
And now the world around me be gets movin' in slow motion
When-ever she happens to walk by - why does the apple of my eye
Overlook and disregard my feelings no matter how much I try?
Wait, no, I did not really pursue my little princess with persistence;
And I was so low-key that she was unaware of my existence
From a distance I desired, secretly admired her;
Wired her a letter to get her, and it went:
My dear, my dear, my dear, you do not know me but I know you very well
Now let me tell you about the feelings I have for you
When I try, or make some sort of attempt, I symp
Damn I wish I wasn't such a wimp!
cause then I would let you know that I love you so
And if I was your man then I would be true
The only lying I would do is in the bed with you
Then I signed sincerely the one who loves you dearly, ps love me tender
The letter came back three days later: return to sender
She keeps on passin' me by...
Your plan is flawed from the start
You can't break this heart, it's liquid
It melted when I met you
I'm sitting at this table called love
Staring down at the irony of life
How come we've reached this fork in the road
And yet it cuts like a knife
My camera breaks - the moment I come home.
I move out in less than two weeks - I don't feel nervous at all.
They tell me you really can't be too nice at work - tried, tested and true.
I have a bad back - but at age 25?!...
The tour guide told us there was only one tunnel giving access to Harvana - what if there were a multi-vehicle accident?
I'll always be the token Asian.
Everybody's friends with you - yet nobody loves you except for your parents.
Every moment is a chance - but only as good as the lottery.
But I write.
This world is a strange place. You laugh, cry, dread... all of that, and then Bam! and it's all over.
I'm in love with Flight of the Conchords. I love the silliness, the subtleness, the accents, the lyrics, the characters, the theme - everything.
Do you have some sort of story or piece of memory in space and time, for every song that you like? I do. There's always something personal attached to the song. Always. Good or bad, happy or sad... sometimes it's the lyrics, other times it was just the time and space.
Less than a week. I'm going to Cuba, all inclusive. I'm excited, I'm on edge. I need this.
May 29th. A new life, I'd like to think. But that is certain to be exaggeration. I'm going inner city living.
I love singing, because I don't have to come up with the lyrics. All I gotta do is find a song that I like with lyrics expressing how I feel - and I can let it go.
You don't have to write or comment if you don't want to, or if you haven't got anything nice to say. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just looking for an outlet. Nobody can take this away from me.
Yea, I can't let go of the past. No I'm not proud. But I can admit my faults, and it pains me so. But I've got nothing to hide. I invested my emotions deeply, and that's how I feel. Call me wrong, call me whatever. I won't take no more from anybody. Say I choose to be this way, say what you will. Say nothing if you've got nothin' nice to say. I don't want it, and I don't need another voice telling me it. I can break.
Yea, I'm not in the best mood.
So, you're leaving, aren't you
I knew it when you said just then when you told me you were leaving
That's when I definitely knew
But if you're trying to break my heart
Your plan is flawed from the start
You can't break my heart, it's liquid
It melted when I met you
And as you turn around to leave
Don't' turn back to me
Don't turn around and see if I'm crying
I'm not crying
"CPS said 27% of Calgary homicides had some connection to dmestic violence between 2002 and 2007."
"One in three women is going to be abused by their intimate partner."
I thought, women were meant to be loved by men.
I sat down. My chair's comfy, I lean back. It glides effortlessly as I lean and reach to power the computer. I looked up, out my windows, into the corridor. It's a bright sunny day, shining in from the windows across the corridor. Where everyone is. I stare, into mid air... seeing nothing but despair.
Another day. Another Spring. And again Just another empty room.
Trust is the start of it.
Joy is a part of it.
And love is the heart of it.
I went to a wedding this weekend, East-Indian style. It was odd, it was intriguing, and fitting. It was a friend's younger sister, who I first met back in the junior high days. My buddy had asked me to go help out with the setting up - they had a traditional pre-marriage celebration at the community centre last night, and the actual wedding ceremony at a hotel tonight. I feel very honoured to have been part of it to witness the moment. There were multiple times when I felt my eyes starting to water up. God damn I'm an emotional guy. Everyones' getting married these days, we're just getting to that age perhaps? The mid twenties. And I'm asked, so whens mine gonna be, if it's coming up next. Promptly, I feed them the usual line with a chuckle, maybe in thirty years or so, we'll see how it goes.
Meanwhile, my insides rip just a little more... as I ask myself the same thing.
cause it's hard to make music when this depression exists
they say use it as inspiration & the best of 'em did
but I still see that I cant handle this pressure for shit
and if you ask me stress is a bitch"
Wealth doesn't just disappear out of thin air in this world - it changes hands.
Somebody's always making some dough somewhere, whether we know it or not.
Alcohol, drugs, substances... profits on the rise.
Lottery. Fishing. Maple syrup. Who knew?
"Taylor loved her so much." Hey God? Oh that's right, she's just in a better place.
Maybe somehow, everything works out in the end. Yes, drugs are bad. Oh yea, water kills.
Maybe I'm just heartless, inconlysiderate, and an insensitive bastard. Maybe feeling too deep breeds apathy.
What am I trying to say with all these? I have no fuckin' clue.
It started innocent. A company organized convention, a Nintendo Wi contest. Facebook. Email. The hallway. Lunches. Her cell phone. Pure intentions.
I checked availability for public ice skating. I looked at bouquets online, I picked a few. I studied the meaning of the colors. A genuine surprise, no matter if it'd rip my wallet a new one.
Her birthday's April the 8th.
Then things, fucked. I don't ask why. I ain't ever found any answers, for everything.
She parties hard, real hard. She curses like nobody I'd seen. She smokes day & night. She gets high fast. She's everywhere. She's been everywhere. Never there when I'm looking.
And then she points me there.
Deep down, so pure. So real.
And she's gone again.
Completely powerless & helpless. Fully knowing that nothing I can do, will change what happens. The one thing I care about, dream about, and yearn for. Yea, I know what I should be doing, how I should be living my life. All the "good" things to ready myself.
But when I reflect
And get that feeling
Once again, that
What I do means nothing after all
From the bottom
Where my heart used to be
It doesn't matter what I do anymore
It just doesn't matter at all
Nothing, will happen
i'd hold my breath, and the door for you
till my arm falters, laying on my death bed
forever one, never one other
but walks her in
lickin' her lips, twisting her hips
i had it coming
yea yea, we never kissed
foolin' around, fooling ourselves
all she needed was a lie
but holy shit
was it a shame
coz' i've got class
so... Sally can wait
she knows it's too late
and she's walking all blind
and so... I decide to wait
but don't look back at anger, I heard you say
The story of my life. Boy meets world. Boy hates world, and the feeling is mutual. Living, but never alive. If I had a say about being born into this world.. I'm quite sure of my choice.
Just a touch, a hug, a love. That's all.
We feel that we have the responsibility to
shine the light
into the darkness you know
You know there's a lot of darkness out here
We watch it all the time
Well I'm busy looking at the darkness
and damn man that's some darkness over there
- Q-Tip ft. Stevie Wonder, What the Fuss? (Shook Remix)
I don't like to think in the middle of the night - I just do.
We were at Ikea. My dad hadn't started working there yet at the time - the discount's not anything great like people think, something like ten or fifteen percent off. Which is still nice in my opinion. I was getting bday gifts for my cousin's little girl - she wasn't even two yet I don't think. We were checking out the kids chairs & tables, the brightly colored cute ones. I remember calling my cousin at the time to make sure they wanted the chairs, not the desk. Two signs. I said to her that I'd take her to see little Frances next time - and she said no it's okay. I pulled my car out to the front of the store so we'd load the chairs easier. I threw her my keys so that she could wait in the car while I was goin' at it - she missed catching them. And my keys went underneath the car. That was the summer of 2004.
Where have the years gone? The world has left me behind. I only live in the past. It's the year 2009, but I really haven't lived since. Just silence. So quiet it hurts my ears, my soul, the pieces of my heart.
Tomorrow at work, it's gonna be awful. Going off two hour sleeps for work doesn't quite do it anymore - no longer the stock boy at a supermarket. But that doesn't change a thing - I'm still all alone.
It was another lonely valentines. I went to a friend's birthday - her bday being on the 14th. It was fun, it was full of her family & other couples - it was everything I wish for. Why do I have no luck with females? Is there an answer - a reason, reasons? Is it because I appear desperate - because I am desperate. Is it because I seem like I don't care - when I know it's all futile.
It's just another day of life when a close friend casually tells me that he's started dating another girl again.
Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together babe
But we're not
I play it off but I'm dreaming of you
And I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin'
I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Do you matter?
Everyone does, but me.
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)
1) The note title is from Bloc Party - Sunday.
2) My latest listening is a new cd from a local hip hop group. DFE - Redefine. I try to support local music. I also listen to CJSW radio regularly.
3) I love my cousin's daughter Frances to death.
4) I've always wanted to go to London England. I know it rains. I know it's gloomy. But I don't know why I wanna go.
5) I'm flawed in many ways.
6) I LOVE to sleep and sleep in.
7) Countries I've been to: Dominican, Australia, Japan, S. Korea, Hong Kong.
8) I have once slept 15 hrs straight. Got woken up and had dinner. Then had another 14 hr sleep right after.
9) I learned something painfully obvious to everyone but me at my last job - get shit on paper. It was a fifteen thousand dollar mistake.
10) Regularly, I day dream of playing in the NHL. If I have kids, I will surely encourage them to play hockey at a very young age.
11) My plan has always been to get married 30 years from now. Tho I've been saying that for a good few years now.
12) I'm lucky to have a few very good friends from the junior and senior high school days.
13) I use a home computer so old I have lost track of how man years I've had it. Something like 8.
14) I enjoy philosophy. I took graduate level phil courses back in my school days. I specialized in morals & bioethics.
15) I never, thought I'd have a career in real estate.
16) I suck at and hence don't like math.
17) My desk might look ridiculously messy - but it's really just organized in a messy manner. I tend to know where things are.
18) I can cook omelets. And all microwavable food.
19) I did not live with my parents for about 10 years at one time.
20) I've only ever had to pull all-nighters to study for exams for two courses - accounting and finance. They sucked.
21) I personally don't believe in religions.
22) I can speak and understand cantonese.
23) I'm stubborn as hell on things that that really matter to me. Trying to convince me is extremely difficult.
24) If there was a time machine, I'd do do almost everything different all over again.
25) I find aspirations from the strangest, littlest things
I wanna hide.
Can you believe it's the year 2009?
2001 didn't seem that long ago.
2004 feels like a just few months back.
2006's as if it was yesterday.
A regrettable yesterday.
Why.. why do you drink?
"I drink to numb the pain."
So many things I wish I'd have never done. Every once in awhile, they all come up again on my mind torturing my heart and soul. I used to think that it's better to go for it.. take that chance, don't give myself regrets in the future for not doing anything. Now I understand how silly I was to think so. My regrets for having tried for the moon haunt me on all my sleepless nights.
This nhl all star weekend was spectacular. I wish I could've been there in person. The skills competition. The two million breakaways with ridiculous moves. The Ovechkin show.
Then came the game. 12-12. OT. Shoot out. "Vinny, Kovy, Ovy!!"
Captain of my hometown team, Jarome Iginla's first goal at an all star game.
Talented Colorado forward, Milan Hejduk finally back as an all star since 2001.
And most importantly, the centennial anniversary of the great Montreal Canadians.
The all star game in Montreal.
Four Canadian players represented, three voted in as starters.
Montreal captain Alex Kovalev named captain of the Eastern team, and the first Russian captain on an all star team.
Kovalev scoring 2 goals in regulation, and then again in the shoot out.
Kovalev as all star MVP.
Too much, too great. Too memorable. Too perfect.
I will never forget.
It's a beautiful game.
"I'm a virgin. I always have been."- The 40 Year Old Virgin
'You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal.'
"I'm throwing myself at you and all you can think about are fucking toys."
"I dated this woman... wait. Lemme rephrase that. I dated this whore for like two years... and she stomped all over my heart."
Velma: They sure ain't, Mama. They sure ain't. It's all gone.
Whatever happened to fair dealing?
And pure ethics
And nice manners?
Why is it everyone now is a pain in the ass?
Whatever happened to class?
Velma & Mama:
Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
That's fit for any use
And any girl'd touch your privates
For a deuce
And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass
Nobody's got no class!
"... men are much more distressed by abuse of their female comrades than their male comrades."
"You hear about slack discipline in mixed sex units because members are devoting too much attention to the opposite sex."
Macleans, Nov 2007