Congratulations

Christmas time. Life's cruel.

It hurts. It stings. It's crazy. I saw it coming, but I really didn't. I was asking for it, but I really didn't.

But I really didn't.
Really.

Why is there no story book ending? Why.
'Coz it's real life? Or is it just me, 'coz I see it happening.

What. Why. How. Tell me. Explain to me. Justify to me.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"This way... is a water slide that takes you further every day, be cool..."

House

Why did you choose me?
There is something about you. It`s like you hurt too.
Someday, I want to use this.

"Are you ignoring me, or are you just letting my charm wash over you."

Lyrics | Green Day lyrics - 21 Guns lyrics
"When the love is gone, move on."

Black Dahlia

"And it's true, I hurt too.
Remember, I loved you."

House

"Because if you die, I'm alone."
I already am.

House

"Because if you die, I'm alone."
I already am.

The Answer?

It's one thing to know you should be happy, but completely another to be able to feel happy.

House, it's thanksgiving.

"So I decided I'd rather be happy, than smart."

Some Things

Some things, are just not meant to be?

Is that what we like to think when things aren't well, just to let ourselves feel a little better?

It didn't work out, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Or was it really, it didn't work out, because we could've done otherwise... yet, as one of us took a step forward, the other would take two steps back.

Some things. I just don't understand.

Some things, I wish I didn't have to understand.

"When the love is gone, move on."

And I texted her, and we went for lunch. I gave her the gift from Australia, that has been sitting in a dark corner of my closet. I didn't expect her to come out. I didn't expect her to accept the gift. I didn't know what to expect, and I don't really know what I am looking for. I don't know if she's seeing anyone, I am afraid to ask.

And here I go, again.

And it was.

It was the company Christmas party. Everything seemed like it was going to be great. I had a beautiful friend as my date for the night. She insisted on driving so that I could drink and have a good time. But it wasn't. Something was off. Everything was off. The more I socialized with company, the more food and drink I consumed, the more saddened I was.


It's as they say, to be feeling lonely within a crowd of friends.

Happy Merry Christmas, folks.
Would you take care of me?...

I Reminisce

But there is nothing to reminisce about. I realize there has never been anything. What a fool.

The Roots. How I Got Over. ?

Before I go back to the heavenly father
Pray for me if it ain’t too much brother
Whatever don’t break me or make me stronger
I feel like I can’t take too much longer
It’s too much lyin’
And too much fryin’
I’m all cried out cause I grew up cryin’
They all got a sales pitch I ain’t buyin’
They tryin’ to convince me that I ain’t tryin’
We uninspired
We unadmired
And tired and sick of being sick and tired.

Silence

What happened. What happened to the me who questions why prostitution is illegal. The morality of aborptions, euthanaiza. The one who doesn't just say yes or no just because that's how the traditional view has always been or if it's the general mainstream opinion. The death penalty, why it's deserved, why it's ok? The one with a curious mind that listens to arguments. Does god exist? Could god be an alien? Could there be our god as well as aliens existing in the same universe?...

That me has died. In silence.

I don't know how it happened, and I don't know how to bring him back. Because once again just about everything has lost meaning to me. I stopped caring and I don't know how to get back. Because I just don't care. The first time, the person is usually just saying it. But after repeated realizations, some things actually start to sink in.

The only link left is my family, whom I love. The previous generation... but don't have my own "family".

rainy days

"Smile, and give me reason to keep on believin'
That everything ain't misleadin"




original author
Have you ever felt like finding a hole in the ground to hide?
Not just ashamed of yourself, and everything else.

Just broken.

"I want to get better."

The season premiere of House really struck a chord with me. I'm generally not a big tv person... but it was just so good and close to home.

Now I just need a happy ending like in the episode.

she keeps on passin`me by

I am sick of how it feels.

When my eyes see you, and the way it makes me feel.
How beautiful you are. With your smile, your eyes, your hair, your everything.
Even your imperfections makes you perfect in my eyes.
But I should never tell you how I feel, when I know it`s a lost cause.

I haven't gone as far as asking if I could get with her
I just play it by ear and hope she gets the picture

But she`s seeing someone. Or she thinks of me only as a friend.
There`s never romance. It seems to come along with the asshole persona.

Nice guys don`t always finish last, sometimes we don`t get to finish.

I broke my rule

To never drink without company, alone.

Now there she goes again, the dopest Ethiopian
And now the world around me be gets movin in slow motion
when-ever she happens to walk by - why does the apple of my eye
overlook and disregard my feelings no matter how much I try?

"I guess a twinkle in her eye is just a twinkle in her eye."

It happened again. Not exactly like last time. But close enough.
I will never learn. She's always seeing someone else.
Is she saying that just to blow me off nicely?
I don't know. I will never know.

Girls at work. Never should. But it's hard when you interact with them more than everyone else.
Again again.

"I am trying to be what you're dying to see."
I love her more than anything, and I want to spend my life with her.
She just never feels the same way.
You know what you do when you're feeling empty inside? You eat, and eat and eat... until you can't anymore.

Then just a little bit of that emptiness is filled. Only a little corner. But it's better than nothing.

Race

I thought it didn't matter no more. I thought it was nothing but a shade of color on our skins. I thought that in this day and age, we've gone pass that - especially in a so called multicultural society like Canada.

I was wrong.

It's never gone away. It never will. It always will be.

Realization is very painful, may I add.

Memories of Nobody

Because there was nothing worth remembering for.
Nobody is curious about me.
Nobody, is talking to me.

Nobody.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and think to myself
what if this is it for me.

TV Drama

She says she thinks we have this special bond.
She adores me, and really likes me a lot. That she sees us being together for a long long time.
She says that we have so much in common.
She's so comfortable with me, and she's physically attracted to me.

She also says that of all the other guys. Bitch.

Another moment after a drunken outing...

I ain't perfect.
Nobody is.
But imperfection just isn't gonna work when it comes to me?

I miss you. I want you.
I don't even know who you are.

How pathetic.
How bizarre.
How sad.
The hits just keep coming. They don't stop.

Cut me a break? They won't, so I try to make my own break, but the world just won't have it.

Pharcyde - Passing Me By
When I dream of fairy tales I think of me and Shelly
See shes my type of hype and I cant stand when brothers tell me
That I should quit chasin' and look for something better
But the smile that she shows makes me a go-getter
I haven't gone as far as asking if I could get with her
I just play it by ear and hope she gets the picture
I'm shootin' for her heart, got my finger on the trigger
She could be my broad, and I could be her nigga
But, all I can do is stare...
Back as kids we used to kiss when we played truth or dare
Now shes more sophisticated, highly edu-ma-cated
Not at all over-rated, I think I need a prayer
To get in her boots and it looks rather dry
I guess a twinkle in her eye is just a twinkle in her eye
Although shes crazy stepping, Ill try to stop her stride
Cause I wont have no more of this passin' me by

Now there she goes again, the dopest ethiopian
And now the world around me be gets movin' in slow motion
When-ever she happens to walk by - why does the apple of my eye
Overlook and disregard my feelings no matter how much I try?
Wait, no, I did not really pursue my little princess with persistence;
And I was so low-key that she was unaware of my existence
From a distance I desired, secretly admired her;
Wired her a letter to get her, and it went:
My dear, my dear, my dear, you do not know me but I know you very well
Now let me tell you about the feelings I have for you
When I try, or make some sort of attempt, I symp
Damn I wish I wasn't such a wimp!
cause then I would let you know that I love you so
And if I was your man then I would be true
The only lying I would do is in the bed with you
Then I signed sincerely the one who loves you dearly, ps love me tender
The letter came back three days later: return to sender
Damn!

She keeps on passin' me by...

You always told me it's darkest just before dawn.

You're wrong, again.

There's no light to be found in this darkness. None.




Relationships



I came across this on some random site. And man, did it hit me.

Man's lying on the street some punk's chopped off his head

I'm the only one who stops to see if he's dead
Mmm...
Turns out he's dead.


But if you're trying to break my heart
Your plan is flawed from the start
You can't break this heart, it's liquid
It melted when I met you



I'm sitting at this table called love
Staring down at the irony of life
How come we've reached this fork in the road
And yet it cuts like a knife

It makes no sense.

It's weird.

My camera breaks - the moment I come home.

I move out in less than two weeks - I don't feel nervous at all.

They tell me you really can't be too nice at work - tried, tested and true.

I have a bad back - but at age 25?!...

The tour guide told us there was only one tunnel giving access to Harvana - what if there were a multi-vehicle accident?

I'll always be the token Asian.

Everybody's friends with you - yet nobody loves you except for your parents.

Every moment is a chance - but only as good as the lottery.

Drinking (Urban Dictionary)

The act of pursuing happiness and self destruction at the same time.




"Too many mutha 'uckas Uckin' with my shi "

I can write. But I'm not talented.. in the sense that I lack the creativity, the flow, and the words to express what I would like to.

But I write.

This world is a strange place. You laugh, cry, dread... all of that, and then Bam! and it's all over.

I'm in love with Flight of the Conchords. I love the silliness, the subtleness, the accents, the lyrics, the characters, the theme - everything.

Do you have some sort of story or piece of memory in space and time, for every song that you like? I do. There's always something personal attached to the song. Always. Good or bad, happy or sad... sometimes it's the lyrics, other times it was just the time and space.

Less than a week. I'm going to Cuba, all inclusive. I'm excited, I'm on edge. I need this.

May 29th. A new life, I'd like to think. But that is certain to be exaggeration. I'm going inner city living.

I love singing, because I don't have to come up with the lyrics. All I gotta do is find a song that I like with lyrics expressing how I feel - and I can let it go.

You don't have to write or comment if you don't want to, or if you haven't got anything nice to say. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just looking for an outlet. Nobody can take this away from me.

Yea, I can't let go of the past. No I'm not proud. But I can admit my faults, and it pains me so. But I've got nothing to hide. I invested my emotions deeply, and that's how I feel. Call me wrong, call me whatever. I won't take no more from anybody. Say I choose to be this way, say what you will. Say nothing if you've got nothin' nice to say. I don't want it, and I don't need another voice telling me it. I can break.

Yea, I'm not in the best mood.

Life. Love.

Downstairs, my parents are watching the same TV show. In two different rooms on the main floor. They're not fighting.

Life. Love.
Do you believe in marriage?

I'm not crying



So, you're leaving, aren't you
I knew it when you said just then when you told me you were leaving
That's when I definitely knew
But if you're trying to break my heart
Your plan is flawed from the start
You can't break my heart, it's liquid
It melted when I met you
And as you turn around to leave
Don't' turn back to me
Don't turn around and see if I'm crying
I'm not crying

Calgary Women's Emergency Shelter

"The Calgary Police Service spends more time responding to calls about family violence than any other crime in the city."

"CPS said 27% of Calgary homicides had some connection to dmestic violence between 2002 and 2007."

"One in three women is going to be abused by their intimate partner."

I thought, women were meant to be loved by men.

My Room

I sat down. My chair's comfy, I lean back. It glides effortlessly as I lean and reach to power the computer. I looked up, out my windows, into the corridor. It's a bright sunny day, shining in from the windows across the corridor. Where everyone is. I stare, into mid air... seeing nothing but despair.

Another day. Another Spring. And again Just another empty room.

Marriage...

Trust is the start of it.

Joy is a part of it.

And love is the heart of it.

I went to a wedding this weekend, East-Indian style. It was odd, it was intriguing, and fitting. It was a friend's younger sister, who I first met back in the junior high days. My buddy had asked me to go help out with the setting up - they had a traditional pre-marriage celebration at the community centre last night, and the actual wedding ceremony at a hotel tonight. I feel very honoured to have been part of it to witness the moment. There were multiple times when I felt my eyes starting to water up. God damn I'm an emotional guy. Everyones' getting married these days, we're just getting to that age perhaps? The mid twenties. And I'm asked, so whens mine gonna be, if it's coming up next. Promptly, I feed them the usual line with a chuckle, maybe in thirty years or so, we'll see how it goes.

Meanwhile, my insides rip just a little more... as I ask myself the same thing.

Blu - Dancing in the Rain

"I said cool, but the truth is that I'm stressinp a grip
cause it's hard to make music when this depression exists
they say use it as inspiration & the best of 'em did
but I still see that I cant handle this pressure for shit
and if you ask me stress is a bitch"

Thoughts

Economic recessions don't last forever - they just feel like it.
Wealth doesn't just disappear out of thin air in this world - it changes hands.
Somebody's always making some dough somewhere, whether we know it or not.

Alcohol, drugs, substances... profits on the rise.
Lottery. Fishing. Maple syrup. Who knew?

"Taylor loved her so much." Hey God? Oh that's right, she's just in a better place.

Maybe somehow, everything works out in the end. Yes, drugs are bad. Oh yea, water kills.

Maybe I'm just heartless, inconlysiderate, and an insensitive bastard. Maybe feeling too deep breeds apathy.

What am I trying to say with all these? I have no fuckin' clue.

Dancing in the Rain

-Blu
fuck it
kick my kicks of and took of my jacket
roll my jeans up beat up and my headphones blastin'
blazed some weed up and started laughing
while I'm splashin' in puddles like
muthafuck a struggle we dancin' in the rain

Sleepover

We laid together, she's down to her panties. I gently pinched her nipple as her bottom rubbed against me. Sharing our body warmth, sharing our space. Sharing ourselves.

She said to me, I'm surprised that you didn't sleep with the girl last night.

April the 8th

And she no longer acknowledges me.
It started innocent. A company organized convention, a Nintendo Wi contest. Facebook. Email. The hallway. Lunches. Her cell phone. Pure intentions.

I checked availability for public ice skating. I looked at bouquets online, I picked a few. I studied the meaning of the colors. A genuine surprise, no matter if it'd rip my wallet a new one.

Her birthday's April the 8th.

Then things, fucked. I don't ask why. I ain't ever found any answers, for everything.

Surreal

She's so real.

She parties hard, real hard. She curses like nobody I'd seen. She smokes day & night. She gets high fast. She's everywhere. She's been everywhere. Never there when I'm looking.

And then she points me there.

Deep down, so pure. So real.

And she's gone again.

Once Again

One of the worst feelings ever, is to feel powerless.

Completely powerless & helpless. Fully knowing that nothing I can do, will change what happens. The one thing I care about, dream about, and yearn for. Yea, I know what I should be doing, how I should be living my life. All the "good" things to ready myself.

But when I reflect
From experience
And get that feeling
Once again, that
What I do means nothing after all
From the bottom
Where my heart used to be
It doesn't matter what I do anymore
It just doesn't matter at all
Nothing, will happen
Ever happens

one love

i'd hold my breath, and the door for you
till my arm falters, laying on my death bed
forever one, never one other

but walks her in
lickin' her lips, twisting her hips
i had it coming

yea yea, we never kissed
foolin' around, fooling ourselves
all she needed was a lie

but holy shit
was it a shame
coz' i've got class


so... Sally can wait
she knows it's too late
and she's walking all blind
and so... I decide to wait
but don't look back at anger, I heard you say
~ oasis

And you sink.. deeper and deeper.

There's no way out. No light. No sound. No nothing.

The story of my life. Boy meets world. Boy hates world, and the feeling is mutual. Living, but never alive. If I had a say about being born into this world.. I'm quite sure of my choice.

Just a touch, a hug, a love. That's all.

Da Art of Storytelling Pt.1

Talkin' about what we gonna be when we grow up
I said what you gonna be
she said, alive
It made me think for a minute, then looked in her eyes

- Outkast

"If that's the way you want it to be."

I said.
We feel that we have the responsibility to
shine the light
into the darkness you know
You know there's a lot of darkness out here
We watch it all the time
Well I'm busy looking at the darkness
and damn man that's some darkness over there

- Q-Tip ft. Stevie Wonder, What the Fuss? (Shook Remix)

All the love is gone, I feel this day

~ Paradise, DFE ft. Moka Only

I don't like to think in the middle of the night - I just do.

We were at Ikea. My dad hadn't started working there yet at the time - the discount's not anything great like people think, something like ten or fifteen percent off. Which is still nice in my opinion. I was getting bday gifts for my cousin's little girl - she wasn't even two yet I don't think. We were checking out the kids chairs & tables, the brightly colored cute ones. I remember calling my cousin at the time to make sure they wanted the chairs, not the desk. Two signs. I said to her that I'd take her to see little Frances next time - and she said no it's okay. I pulled my car out to the front of the store so we'd load the chairs easier. I threw her my keys so that she could wait in the car while I was goin' at it - she missed catching them. And my keys went underneath the car. That was the summer of 2004.

Where have the years gone? The world has left me behind. I only live in the past. It's the year 2009, but I really haven't lived since. Just silence. So quiet it hurts my ears, my soul, the pieces of my heart.

Tomorrow at work, it's gonna be awful. Going off two hour sleeps for work doesn't quite do it anymore - no longer the stock boy at a supermarket. But that doesn't change a thing - I'm still all alone.

It was another lonely valentines. I went to a friend's birthday - her bday being on the 14th. It was fun, it was full of her family & other couples - it was everything I wish for. Why do I have no luck with females? Is there an answer - a reason, reasons? Is it because I appear desperate - because I am desperate. Is it because I seem like I don't care - when I know it's all futile.

It's just another day of life when a close friend casually tells me that he's started dating another girl again.

Evasive Love

That's all.

Happy Valentines Day to the rest of you.

Lady luck is a funny motherfucker

She make you come up
She can make your money suffer
DFE - Paradise (ft. Moka Only)

I Try

- Macy Gray
Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together babe
But we're not
I play it off but I'm dreaming of you
And I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin'
I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Do you matter?
Everyone does, but me.

"I'll love you in the morning... when you're still hungover"

Something I copied over from my facebook.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)


1) The note title is from Bloc Party - Sunday.

2) My latest listening is a new cd from a local hip hop group. DFE - Redefine. I try to support local music. I also listen to CJSW radio regularly.

3) I love my cousin's daughter Frances to death.

4) I've always wanted to go to London England. I know it rains. I know it's gloomy. But I don't know why I wanna go.

5) I'm flawed in many ways.

6) I LOVE to sleep and sleep in.

7) Countries I've been to: Dominican, Australia, Japan, S. Korea, Hong Kong.

8) I have once slept 15 hrs straight. Got woken up and had dinner. Then had another 14 hr sleep right after.

9) I learned something painfully obvious to everyone but me at my last job - get shit on paper. It was a fifteen thousand dollar mistake.

10) Regularly, I day dream of playing in the NHL. If I have kids, I will surely encourage them to play hockey at a very young age.

11) My plan has always been to get married 30 years from now. Tho I've been saying that for a good few years now.

12) I'm lucky to have a few very good friends from the junior and senior high school days.

13) I use a home computer so old I have lost track of how man years I've had it. Something like 8.

14) I enjoy philosophy. I took graduate level phil courses back in my school days. I specialized in morals & bioethics.

15) I never, thought I'd have a career in real estate.

16) I suck at and hence don't like math.

17) My desk might look ridiculously messy - but it's really just organized in a messy manner. I tend to know where things are.

18) I can cook omelets. And all microwavable food.

19) I did not live with my parents for about 10 years at one time.

20) I've only ever had to pull all-nighters to study for exams for two courses - accounting and finance. They sucked.

21) I personally don't believe in religions.

22) I can speak and understand cantonese.

23) I'm stubborn as hell on things that that really matter to me. Trying to convince me is extremely difficult.

24) If there was a time machine, I'd do do almost everything different all over again.

25) I find aspirations from the strangest, littlest things

"Can't understand how a man's got your choosin"

- mario winans ft. p. diddy, I don't wanna know

I wanna hide.
Can you believe it's the year 2009?
2001 didn't seem that long ago.
2004 feels like a just few months back.
2006's as if it was yesterday.
A regrettable yesterday.

"This way is a waterslide away from me that takes you further everyday"

- weezer

Why.. why do you drink?

"I drink to numb the pain."

So many things I wish I'd have never done. Every once in awhile, they all come up again on my mind torturing my heart and soul. I used to think that it's better to go for it.. take that chance, don't give myself regrets in the future for not doing anything. Now I understand how silly I was to think so. My regrets for having tried for the moon haunt me on all my sleepless nights.

3am.

Vinny aime le Canadien de de Montréal

I love hockey.

This nhl all star weekend was spectacular. I wish I could've been there in person. The skills competition. The two million breakaways with ridiculous moves. The Ovechkin show.

Then came the game. 12-12. OT. Shoot out. "Vinny, Kovy, Ovy!!"

Captain of my hometown team, Jarome Iginla's first goal at an all star game.
Talented Colorado forward, Milan Hejduk finally back as an all star since 2001.

And most importantly, the centennial anniversary of the great Montreal Canadians.

The all star game in Montreal.
Four Canadian players represented, three voted in as starters.
Montreal captain Alex Kovalev named captain of the Eastern team, and the first Russian captain on an all star team.
Kovalev scoring 2 goals in regulation, and then again in the shoot out.
Kovalev as all star MVP.

Too much, too great. Too memorable. Too perfect.
I will never forget.
It's a beautiful game.

Lothario

"I'm a virgin. I always have been."

'You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal.'

"I'm throwing myself at you and all you can think about are fucking toys."

"I dated this woman... wait. Lemme rephrase that. I dated this whore for like two years... and she stomped all over my heart."
- The 40 Year Old Virgin

Chicago - 'Class'

Mama: The whole world's gone low-brow. Things ain't what they used to be.

Velma: They sure ain't, Mama. They sure ain't. It's all gone.

Whatever happened to fair dealing?
And pure ethics
And nice manners?
Why is it everyone now is a pain in the ass?
Whatever happened to class?

Velma & Mama:
Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
That's fit for any use
And any girl'd touch your privates
For a deuce
And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass
Nobody's got no class!

"There's too much monkey business."

"... men are much more distressed by abuse of their female comrades than their male comrades."

"You hear about slack discipline in mixed sex units because members are devoting too much attention to the opposite sex."

Macleans, Nov 2007