A typical day, Part-II

I was at the office, it was just after lunch. Kyle was on-site for the morning and just got back. I asked how things went out there. I asked him what Ian got done. I asked him the situation out there..

Me - So did Ian manage to get started cleaning up the site for final grade?

Kyle - No. Well.. I guess he did move a small pile of rebars. But aside from that no.

Me - Ah.

Kyle - The bins were still there too, he hasn't called for pick up I don't think. Nothing else's been touch.. the scrap lumber's still laying around, Styrofoam at the same spots.....

Me - I'm assuming he didn't call Arte Roofing then.

Kyle - Well, I asked him about that when I saw the Styrofoam still sitting there. (a pause) And he said, "Call Arte?" I said "Yea," and then he replied, "Why would I call them?"

Me - Hahahh, why am I not surprised he hasn't.. (I'm almost choking in laughter, at my presupposed assumption of his incompetence.)

Kyle - No, he actually said that... WHY would he call them. (emphasis, pause)

Me - You're for real. (I'm staring at Kyle wide-eyed at this point.) Holy shit.. I even wrote down on that piece of paper, yesterday, asking him to call Arte and specifically what to ask them. And he said WHY WOULD HE CALL THEM?!..

Kyle - Yea I know... after he said that, that's when I just, stopped.

Me - ... (This is when I walked out of the office without a word.)

Apparently my boss, fully aware of everything, says we just got to babysit our "site supervisor", COUGH, SITE SUPERVISOR, as the project is nearing its end. In other words - he ain't gonna do shit about it.

I usually don't care to compare like this, but this instance really has me, well quite upset. I'm supposed to babysit someone, who makes... more than double my monthly salary. Oh yea, and essentially do his job for him, and do mine. I wish I was a bastard, so I could have the heart to ask for a ridiculous pay raise right now, or simply walk. And my boss would have to give it to me, as I'm literally running the whole project at the moment. But I just want to see this done, complete. I've poured my heart and soul into this, I wanna see it built.

In other news, I'm quite ready to give my 2-weeks once this project is complete.

A typical morning from my day of work.

(Pick-up truck pulls up on-site with a delivery of metal doors, as I'm meeting with Ian and Kyle.)
Don - Where do you guys want 'em?

Me, to my site supervisor - Ian, where should we put them? What works right now? (looking around to see what space we got)

Ian - I don't know man. It doesn't matter.. fucken great the doors are here!

Don - Well?

Kyle - .....

Me - But where should we put them right now?.. as to not get in any trade's way and stuff.. (everybody's looking around, waiting for Ian to tell us where to put them)

Ian - ehh I don't know Victor, I dont know... what do you think? (looks at me)

Me - .......... (meanwhile Don, Kyle, and myself just start unloading doors into the building)

Just showcasing the pure incompetence of my site supervisor on the job. Makes it hard, when I'm doing project coordinating and essentially site supervising for him.

I got this conversation idea from reading Veronica & LD.

Guilt Part-II

I am fortunate. But I don't feel alive.

Unmotivated, because I'm unhappy. Unhappy, because I feel no love. A low self esteem, why can't I find my love? Low self esteem leads to a lack of motivation, for life. It's a vicious cycle, and it doesn't break no matter what I do.

My parents and family's expectations, are the opposite of what I've become. But even more importantly, my own expectations, of a human being. Waking up to go to work, working to go home at night. Working towards the weekend, and then sleeping till it's Monday again. I sneak through week after week, month after month, escaping with alcohol. I need a purpose. Yet I'm unmotivated.

While others are doing meaningful things, things that they are proud of, things that... benefit society. What am I doing? Simply taking up resources that could be better used for others. Do I deserve to live in the luxury of a middle class family household that I do? On what merits?

Yes, "I need to help myself to be helped."

I cannot stress how much I have tried, to break out of "this" life. My efforts have been futile. I can't pull myself out with one hand. If only she'd give me her's, and a slight pull. It didn't have to be much... just a difference of inches. Just a little.

If you're bored, if you have time. Or if you're simply amused. Read these. A few pieces of my work over my university days.

Famine, Morality, and Entitlement
The Sanctity of Life

Morality on Rational Grounds
Refuting Moral Realism


A Practical Account of the Levels Theory

Utter Particularity of Moral Decisions
The Gap between Moral Ideals and Decision Making


I, feel wide open now. Maybe I'm opening a bit too much on here. Maybe it just doesn't matter anymore. Maybe I no longer care, about everything.

Guilt

I donate monthly just so I could bear to live with myself.

"A week ago I had my whole life man.."

- One Tree Hill
I had to switch off the television after that line.
Struck a chord. Boggled my mind. It hit home. Hard.
It wasn't a week ago - it was more than a year ago.

"Nice Guys and Intellectual Whores"
- a man attempts to increase his appeal to a woman by demonstrating the qualities she has indicated that she values in another person.
- to the male, this is perceived as simply increasing his overall appeal..
- for the female, however, such behaviour increases the man's rank on the "Friendship" ladder while simultaneously decreasing it on the "Partner" ladder.

LT suggests that a man who attempts to appeal to a woman through intellectual stimulation or entertainment runs the risk of, rather than becoming or replacing the woman's sexual partner, becoming what Allen satirically depicts as an "intellectual whore" -- someone sought out solely for their intellect, with no interest on the part of the woman in broadening the relationship to other dimensions.

Batman

Batman Dark Knight is truly an impressive movie. The Joker, brought to life. Kudos to a lost soul.

In other news.. vinny is suffering from Dominican withdrawn again.

Additional Coverage - he misses Jen.

Tonic – If You Could Only See

"Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations

They cut me down to size

Sayin you love but you dont
You give your love but you wont"

Weezer - Say It Ain't So

"This bottle of Steven's
awakens ancient feelings.
Like father, step-father, the son is drowning in the flood"

Who's my Superwoman?.. I just wanted to love you.

Adema - All These Years

One got addicted
And the other ran away
Some settled down a familiar place
One lets go of the wheel
While the other one steers
One got the money that the other put away
Some hung around when the others couldn't stay
A few just followed their dreams while the others stood clear

After all these years
After all these years

One found religion and the other lost faith
One sold something that he never could replace
Both looked back to see if the coast was clear
One hits the bottle 'till his problems go away
The other never made it home from school that day
Sometimes I wish I could just disappear


After all these years
After all these years

It feels like some days that the sun never shines
I can't decipher all these little thin rhymes
They're going down in flames
They're burning alive
I just can't take this anymore

One look back at the past and I'm finally here
After all these years

One got addicted
And the other ran away
Some hung around when the others couldn't stay
One let's go of the wheel
While the other one steers
After all these years
One found religion and the other lost faith
One sold something that he never could replace
Both looked back to see if the coast was clear

"Shorty Got Low"

What does it matter to you anyway?
Everything.

- Spiderman 3

The rain comes and goes. But it never stays away.