Mr Cellophane

If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm and shook his leg
You'd notice him

If someone in the movie show
Yelled "Fire in the second row
This whole place is a powder keg!"
You'd notice him

And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone gets noticed, now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!


Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name

Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

Suppose you was a little cat
Residin' in a person's flat
Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You'd notice him

Suppose you was a woman, wed
And sleepin' in a double bed
Beside one man, for seven years
You'd notice him

A human being's made of more than air
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there
Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who...


Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there.


Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.

- Amos, Chicago

Time after time

I sit here and bits & pieces of memories just rush through my mind.

Raspberry steeped tea at Tim Hortons.
Mcdonalds. Fries, with the extra black pepper. Packs-worth.
Tony Romas, the ribs. Because she wanted.
Orange Julius. Subway. Wendys.
And of course Pebble-street, the congee.

763, the extention. 318, the license. 708-3183, the phone.

When I was in pain 1 am in the morning.
When she was in pain, all through work.
When we walked out like a couple, when we were caught like a couple.
When we bickered like we were in love.
We worried about each other. When we were more than friends.
She lied to me. And I thought I could leave. But I've really gone nowhere at all.

I never could bring myself to toss out those long expired Mcdonalds coupons. Because I could still see her clearly tearing them one by one, neatly placing them in the slot in my car. As if it's just happened now.

I need help.

I miss'her

"but I wanna take this time out to be perfectly honest
'cause there's a lot of shit that I keep bottled
that hurts deep inside of my soul
and just know that I grow colder the older I grow
this boulder on my shoulder gets heavy and harder to hold
and this load is like the weight of the world
and I think my neck is breaking

should I just give up, or try to live up to these expectations"

eminem - hailie's song

Sin

Snow
Frost
Ice
Slush
Pond
Vapor

All the different forms of rain and snow.
How amazing the natural world is.

Last week, a middle aged mother of five was beaten to death at the train station. It was 9-10 at night, a random attack. Her body was mutilated beyond recognition.

How utterly disgusting humanity could be.

"318"

I saw 318 on Deerfoot today.

I gas-ed it as much as could with the limited dual turn space. I didn't want to end up side by side. "318", it clicked within a split second when I saw the plate. Certainly her. And she certainly must have saw me.

I squeezed and snaked my way through the busy traffic during rush hour, desperately wanting to put more distance behind me, away from her. I don't know why I was running; it was instinctual. My ability to comprehend the situation disappeared. I couldn't digest seeing her, just like that. Not there, not then, not when I least expected it.

I did not see her on the highway again. Only in my mind.

"Facing 2008"

So she has moved on.

There is a picture, of her, smiling with him.

I think I knew, and I expected it. I was prepared for it, at least I had thought so. But clearly I haven't moved on yet.

Not a step.

The Fire

What happened to all the kissing, making-out, and sex?

Are these not the things an ordinary person growing up experiences?
Relationships, the ups and downs, the lingering memories and regrets. Those I've experienced. But the sweets, the delicious fruits? Am I that unattractive to the opposite sex?

The one night stand that almost happened, until her roommate busted in for some stupid reason. Somehow it all fell apart, right then right there. The closest I had ever come to making love. I get older every year, and I am still a virgin. Sometimes I don't know what to think, am I doing something wrong? Am I just unlucky? What is going on here? For others it seems to come naturally, so easily at times. But no matter what I try, it just isn't happening.

Over the past few years, my fire has dimmed.

"Red Bull gives me wings!"

PureVision. Quality contact lens.

Yet I still cannot see.. what's in front of me. What lays ahead in this life of mine. If anything awaits me.
What should I do, jump off the bridge or try to walk on a wire?
If only I had wings. Time for some Red Bull.
Too bad the 7-11 is on the other side across this cliff.

I had a dream.

About something that happened years ago.
With someone that has long been out of my life.
Something in the past that has faded over the years,
But never forgotten.

She was with someone, presumably her boyfriend.
She looked a little different. Not entirely different, but enough for me not to recognize her at first glance.
She had glasses, her hair was longer. But it was still her.
She said hi, and I didn't know who she was.
She asked if I really don't remember.
I thought hard and long. And it struck me, of course I did.
I was afraid to tell her. I didn't know to admit it or not.
It was an odd encounter; she was with her bf, I was with my parents.
A casual conversation, the usual greetings and compliments.
And we parted ways.
Again.

I reminisce.

It was 2004.
I wish it could have turned out differently.
I still remember where she used to live. The U of C theater that she worked at. Her health issues. Family feuds.
Everything.

LONELY ROADS & PSYCHO PATHS: ifiwerebrave is a plagiarist

LONELY ROADS & PSYCHO PATHS: ifiwerebrave is a plagiarist

Is it Love, Lust, or merely Craziness. Probably all three yea?

She saw me. I think she did, she must have. Once or twice. I had seen it, but I just cannot be sure for the life of me.. was it 708 or 383? The license plate. It was the car. That deep ocean blue, Honda, CR-V. It was at the mall. Just parked there, as I'm going in circles trying to park. And to look at it. It was also at the lounge. I didn't think much of it then. Maybe I should have. Was she there? Did she notice me? Did she know I was there?

I never saw her.

Is she still in the City? Is she gone? Is she gone. From my life? I ache. My heart aches, my whole body aches. My mind is fleeting. What it was, nothing to begin with? Is this the truth, or the illusion she wants me to believe? Does she still care, do I ever cross her mind? Tim Hortons, the taste of Raspberry steeped tea. An ice cold cappuccino in the cold, and a latte under the sun. The McDonalds, the coupons. The Cristy Chicken, Tony Roma's, Safeway, the mall. Market Mall. The car rides, the walks. The talks, the e-mails. The passing bys, the eye contacts, the hi-byes. The office phone calls, the gossips. The sick calls, the come-over-here for food calls. The VIP lunch room calls, the lean-ins. The Christmas card telling me that you were happy to gain a friend. The heartbreaking revelation of a boyfriend. The ambiguous response. The final straw. I was merely a third string quarterback in the running. Not good enough to be the back up? I left. She cried. I asked. She mumbled. More ambiguity. And I stepped on the plane.

I came back. I tried to contact. For the life of me, she won't talk to me. Can't talk to me. Didn't talk to me. I don't know what I can salvage, love? Friendship? Lust? What I want to salvage. I am blinded.

What is she doing.
Where is she.
How is she.
Who is She.

Had I ever known, or was it all an act. Did I see what I wanted to see, or who she wanted me to see. Did she ever intend to let me know HER? Did she see too much of me, and turned her head around. Was she unimpressed, was she uninterested, was she just a bitch?

What was,
What could've,
What should've been,
What could be now,
What should be now,
What I want it to be now?
And this is how She wants it to be now?

Time does not heal all. Everyday it bleeds. The scar tissue clogs and peels, and it bleeds over. A tint of a darker red every time.

I still regret the fact that we never took a picture together. Even now. I see her in my sleep. Not that of her face, but her abstractly as a Person. I can barely picture her face clearly anymore, it's somewhat blurry. But the persona, she is still in my heart. She imprinted clearly, deeply, pain-staking and bittersweet. I wondered and thought. In Calgary. In the air. In San Fran, Sydney, Melbourne. I remember looking up the night sky in Perth wondering what you didn't say. Walking the sand in Fremantle dreaming as if you were there. Searching over cities, because I had promised you a "koala that moves". The anticipation, I still recall, of seeing you once again. It's still there but buried. It will be 10 months soon.

What does a woman want? A man who loves her. A man with money. A confident and capable man. A handsome looking man. A man who will take care of her, protect her. A man who is caring of her needs. What she really wants, I don't really know. I tried it all, best I could. All I could. Was it just not good enough? Would it ever be good enough? When is it good enough?

They say every song tells a story. Yea, every song does.
How many times have I thought to have seen you and dazed.

"Driving 'round thought I saw you pass me
My rear view mirror's playing tricks on me
Cause' you fade away
Maybe I'm just hallucinating
Cause my loneliness got the best of me
And my heart's so weak"
- Case, Missing You

"And what I loved most she had so much soul"

"And yo it's Monday morning and I'm thinkin' about you"
"Cause' I want you in my life, I want you to be my wife"
"And smile for you when the skies are gray"
"What you won't do, do for love"

"I didn't even know she had a man
She said she didn't have a man"

"Thoughts of me, thoughts of she, thoughts of he"
"And just know that I grow colder the older I grow"
"I guess to find real love I gotta pay my dues"

"And I'm nobody without someone like you"
"Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday?"
"Tell me: if we lived a lie, would our souls unite?"
"But if it wasn't for your misfortunes, I'd be a heavenly person today"

"It's even dark in the day time
It's not just good, it's great depression"

"I try to walk away and I stumble"
"Every day I want to pick up the phone"

"Boy I tell ya, I miss her."