Faith

Why do you?
I have been told there's no answer to that, it just is.

I refuse to accept that; there just has to be something, anything, however tiny or insignificant to justify. Otherwise, we could say the same for all the terrible acts of humanity in this world - it just is. And we're all just living blind.

Tell me it's not so.

Calgary Real Estate Board

And all these just from my department of one month. I really am starting to like these ladies.

gift cards



Christmas


At one point in time, I used to work at a kiosk in the middle of the mall. Kiosk, booth.. whatever you wanna call it, with the Telus store on one side, and a hair salon on the other. I worked the evening shift. I wasn't there for long, maybe half or year or just over. I got to know other peeps working at the mall, a few from Telus, and Rogers as well. I never got to know them well, but we'd always say hi and chit chat on slow nights. And the hair salon girls, they were both a treat to the eyes and to talk to. There was a pastry cinnamon bun place just a few stores down the corridor.. they gave me half a dozen to take home once. The only place I ever get them from. I don't even like cinnamon buns, but their's were delicious. They weren't supposed to give any out even at the end of the day, but the staff would always wave me in whenever I walked by. There were interesting happenings.. once the salon held a breast cancer fund raising event. The girls shaved.

During Christmas the mall would get ridiculous. A lot of kids, a lot of noise. A lot of everything, sensory overload. Christmas tunes on repeat over and over. When it was dead at night, I'd stare blindly into the corridor and people watch. Strangely, I enjoyed those moments - relaxed, and just dazing into nothingness in the middle of a crowded hallway. As if I wasn't actually there with all that happening around me.

Christmas.

Wishing whoever you are, reading this, a very Merry Christmas. Stay warm.

Who are you?

Sometimes we think that we know someone well. Family, friends, or maybe a lover. But do we? We only see what we want to see, feel what we want to feel. What is real? We don't even truly know ourselves.

How do you define yourself?
So what if I am awake and sober tomorrow...
I'll just be lonely again.

Staff.

The busy streets again. Mornings, coffee. Dress shirts & pants. New faces, strangers, many I'll come to love. Some I'll fear & loathe. The attention, feeling everyone else's anticipation & eventual expectations. The restlessness. Trying to put names to faces. Finding the closest restroom, coffee station.

Every little thing.

My father

My dad and I had a talk tonight. He asked if I had a moment, and wanted me to sit down and listen to him. I was prepared to listen to his complaint that I have been unemployed. Instead he told me about my family history, why I have no blood related fraternal relatives. What my grandfather was like, what he did, and how he died. How my dad grew up as a child and teenager. The choices he made because of my mother. What he expected of me when I was sent to Canada for schooling. A lot of things.

It was awkward, it was weird. We generally no longer communicate, except for hi-bye and when necessary. We hold contradicting views on essentially all things in life, so it's come to this. It was the most my dad has ever said to me, the longest conversation by far. I don't know what prompted him to do this all of a sudden. He just said that he wanted to tell me, so that someone would know. Because there's no one else. Even my mother is oblivious to parts of this, he said. Maybe it's because he's leaving to go to Hong Kong in a few days for vacation. Or maybe he just felt this was the right time.

I still don't know how to do this in person, but Thanks Dad. You answered much that I had wondered about as a child. There's too much miscommunication and misunderstanding between us. Too much assumptions and prejudice towards each other. For now, I'm just gonna let things be, and see how life turns out.

Done, and over with.

The never-ending, exhaustive, grueling full-time job search is finally over. After close to three months, ten phone interviews and another ten in-person interviews or so, two rejected job offers, I've finally got something that I think I can go with long term. Somewhere that'll treat their employees with some respect as human beings.

Why do you blog?

My blog is for me to express a certain side of myself - one that I'm not necessarily confident to show everyone or anyone. Hence my nick Vinny is used rather than my real name, and never a picture of myself. Maybe I'm just not strong enough, and don't believe in myself enough. But I would rather not have anyone I know in daily life read any of my blog. I worry what their reaction would be, how their perception of me would change. I fear this unknown. The "me" in this blog is as real as it gets, the full me. And I don't know if the world would like that person. I have no secrets here, I say what I want, exactly how I feel with no restraints. It lets me be free, if just for a brief moment. I lack the talent to draw.. and other forms of art. Writing is the only thing I somewhat have a tad of confidence in. At first I didn't think anyone would ever read my words. My ramblings, my stupid relationship episodes.. but I wrote anyways. Because I needed to get it out. Sad things, happy things, anything and everything. An outlet desperately needed. Until Veronica came along. It's amazing how knowing someone is actually reading what I write could motivate me to at least attempt to improve my writing. How a one line comment could sometimes convey so much when knowing someone else is understanding my words. Even if it's just one person, or two, three.. etc, it's amazing in the warmth it brings.

So I blog.

I wanna breeze with an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

- stereophonics, maybe tomorrow

Potential

We all have it, yea?
What do you want to do in this life?

It was fun. It was great. It was pricey, but it was fantastic. Afterward, after the headaches, the shakes, the upset stomach.. a sense of emptiness. Memories have faded, they have faded.

Does it have to be so?.. what if.

"Before I was scared to have all those identities."

- A stranger in her own skin - Calgary Herald, Nov 11 2008

"even if it took her a long time to feel comfortable in her own skin."

"I thought they talked loudly and just weren't good people, she said.
'I didn't want other people to think I hung out with them."

"how can you bring children from one culture to another?"

".. a large exporter of children." What ever context that was written in, I don't care. I am not cool with that phrase.

"She worries about the motivations of regular families as well, and wonders
if they're simply jumping on a trend."

Gone like the wind.....

And so they're gone, again.

A little tired of being unemployed, a little sick of going to interviews. There is still a chance that me and her will work together in the same building again.

But I don't think it is meant to be.

She's moved on, and I need to move on. Ever since she spoke to me about the job posting, she's vanished once again. As if it never happened. She didn't ask how the interview went. Not a single thing.

There's this Chinese song.. about some magic potion that lets you forget your past loves. Yea, sappy stuff. But I could use some of that right about now.
I walked in. Right on time.. just a few minutes before 8:30. I pressed the power button on my old ass computer, and it did its thing.... emails. Inbox - it was her. Weird I thought. I swear I replied all her emails yesterday already.

Click. It was the happy birthday song. In multi-colors and font sizes of all things, in an office email. I stood half way up and looked over all the way across to the other end of the office. Her bald boss was there, as usual, just blabbing blablblab. He was always around it seems. I dialed anyways.

We went for lunch. It was the first time in probably weeks. We were after all, just friends. It was a relatively warm day. Definitely warm for a Halloween. There was no snow, just hovering around zero degrees. We sat. We ordered. My phone beeped, a message or something. She sent me a Happy Birthday sitting across from me, without me realizing.

I looked up at her, and she was smiling.
This year, she no longer remembers. Or care.

David Usher - Time of Our Lives

I once had a bird like you
A bird of prey
Still your tearing at my insides
And yesterday when you flew so far away
If you find the morning save a piece for me

Who of us are open
Who of us have freedom really
Who of us can tell what these dark days will bring
All of us are hurting
All of us are crazy now
We're crazy now..

I'll smoke a cigarette
I'll eat the flesh instead
Another whiskey more or less
Or more or less, yea
I like the drugs that sail
I love you when we fail
When we fail
I wonder if she remembered. On the dash.

She hasn't changed. Her personality. Her voice. Her face. Her hair. Just as I remember.

But she has.
She's moved out. She actually suggested to have viet food for lunch. She doesn't remember my birthday. She's someone else's girl.

I see it again. What matters in life, what doesn't really. What I need, what I desire. What I lack. But she doesn't need me. I'm not part of her life. Maybe I never was any part of her life.
It's all so clear.

"I'm trembling inside, and nobody knows it but me." babyface

Twister of Lies

That is what I'd like to call life.

Interview, tomorrow morning. At the old office. Where we met, where we did everything. Where it all started, where we fell apart. Where I was her vip, and she was my everything. Will I see her again? I texted her, that thanks to her.. 10am, Tuesday. Her reply, "Please don't tell anyone that I told you about the posting." Not a word more.

I'm simply, speechless. I don't know what to think, I can't figure out what she ever really means. When is she putting up a front, when is she speaking from the heart? I know, that she was real, crying over the phone with me at the airport. And.. that's all I've ever known.

Two year old McDicks coupons. Even the red's changed color due to the sun. I just can't toss them out.


Lunch, tomorrow noon. It'll be her. The first time we're face to face again, the first time she'll be in my car again in four years. That thing, that box from Vancouver she got for me in 2004.. sits on the dash.

Could've, would've, might've

Reality is cruel. I woke up from my phone beeping. It was a voicemail. I wondered if it could've been....

"Hello Victor, this is.. calling from Travel Alberta. Unfortunately you were not selected for the next round of interviews."

What does your birth date mean?




Your Birthdate: October 31



You're a pretty traditional person. If it's lasted, it's probably good.

You seek stability - both in your career and your romantic relationship.

In return, you're very loyal and predictable. Which is usually a good thing.

Without a partner, you feel lost. Being with someone is very important to you.



Your strength: Your dependability



Your weakness: You hate being alone



Your power color: Midnight blue



Your power symbol: Shell



Your power month: April

It's All About Vinny

And this is how it goes.... the MeMe rules...
1. Link to the person that tagged you Liv
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website

So......... I have a feeling there's a big chance you'll think I'm very odd after reading the following.
1 - I sing. I sing a lot at home , in the car. I sing along to songs I'm feeling, all the time. But no one ever hears me sing. I can't say I am confident in my vocal skills.

2 - As a child I was almost brilliant with math. It's an irony that I could barely even do divisions without using a calculator.

3 - I'm an only child. But I wish I wasn't. It gets lonely.

4 - I can read and speak Chinese. Writing is a little too hard for me now.

5 - I can't say I like musicals in general, but there is one I love, Chicago.

6 - Ever made a British style top hat out of the cardboard box of a 12-pack? I have. A Kokanee top hat.

I have to break a rule - I read a very selective number of blogs only. Thus I don't have six!

Veronica - the first blog I started reading
Eve - refreshing, and great pictures
Quin - the stories
Desiree - full of heart

The Shakes

Now I know why my hands were always shaking in the Dominican. Not sleeping for days does that to people.
"I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted, yeah I will, I will"
- matchbox20

FATE Pt. II

She contacted me.

I was home. I went on msn, and she messaged me. She asked how things were. She suggested that I go back, so we'd work together again. She asked me to call her, and gave me the internal job posting details. She talked to me, as if nothing has ever happened between us. I went along. I told her I'd apply.

"To be, or not to be: that is the question." - hamlet

Fate struck twice on the same day. Two of my loves. They disappeared from my life once, and came back on the same day. Maybe it's a sign. Or a warning.

FATE

Four days before Halloween. The last straw between us, four years ago on that day. Today was a gift from the stars.

I was early. October 27th, 9:15am. I figured 15 minutes early would be okay.. I had already waited in my car, in the parking lot for 10 minutes. Never hurts to be a tad bit early in case of traffic etc, right? I walked in. The office had a huge reception area. It was wide open into the rest of the office, a very different set up than I'm used to. This was an office interiors company after all! Very innovative, I loved the environment already. It was refreshing, it was spectacular. The receptionist called to let them know I was there. I took a seat. Nervous. Very nervous. But why? I've had like a million of these by now. Yet I got no sleep whatsoever last night. In retrospect, the pieces all fit together. God, or whoever it is, really does work in mysterious ways.

The wait felt long. I was able to see inside given the wide open design, as I mentioned. I couldn't help but notice that there were a lot of cute girls. I didn't want to be caught checking out girls already! So I picked up a brochure of some sort to glance at, pretending that I was interested in the products or something. As my eyes glanced across the pages, somebody said hi to me. I didn't see the person coming at all. I looked up, and it was her. She looked... better than ever. Not too skinny anymore, but just "right". Gorgeous as I remembered. She looked like she hasn't aged a single day. The last thing that she had said to me, four years ago.. she gave me notice that she was dating.

I have never, ever, tried so much to impress anybody as I did during the following half hour. I transformed into a sales-superman professional. Suddenly describing the ever-confusing construction project coordinating role became easy. My paragraphs were structured, smooth, and flowed. Hard selling with no shame. The compensation they told me for the position is quite a bit below my expectation. But I bit the bullet within an eighth of a second's hesitation. There were bigger things here than money and moving out.

I walked out the doors. The sun had come out by then. 10am. And I wondered how I really did. And what if.

And She said to let her know.

Probability

Humans are the most intelligent animal known to ourselves, how ironic. We process the ability to think, to utilize complex tools, and to change the environment to suit our convenience. Some other animals show signs of those traits, but none process all of the above at the same time, and to our extent.

We pollute the planet. We change it drastically without realizing the negative effects. They might not be immediate, but they'll one day come. Our abilities might be due to evolution, and precisely with these abilities we just might one day destroy ourselves. Maybe we are at the top of evolution, and when we fuck up, it'll all start over again. Maybe we weren't intended in God's plan. We're just the anomaly in his grand plan that he never intended.

If there is to be a next step in evolution, maybe that life form's existence will only be spiritual or metaphysical. Because there'll be nothing left for them in this material world.
"You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you." ~ tyler durden, fight club

Sayonana, lover

It was in my much younger days. 17.. yes, pretty sure. We met through the now ancient icq, playing online card games. It was coincidental, it was unintentional, it was the lady of fortune smiling upon me. I got my first cell phone. I got my first date. I bought my first gift for a girl. I got the first piece of my heart taken. It was all firsts. It was all crazy and shocking. It's something I've re-enacted in my mind hundreds of times.

"What's wrong?" She leaned away from me at the movies. She said it was nothing. But it was really everything. The movie, the last one we saw was AI. It was good, bad and fucked up.. and maybe that was the cause of it all. What began from Moulin Rouge did not have a happy ending.

"Victor.... I've gotten back with Albert."

It was a memorable first. She carved my heart and had it for desert too. The casualness of her voice over the phone was simply beautiful. It was another year, until I breathed again. My heart grew considerably weaker, and my liver stronger.

I had a dream too

I used to dream
I used to think big
About what I could do
All that I have to offer the world
And all that the world has to offer me


Somewhere along the ride
Things derailed, I crashed
All around me and me, went terribly wrong
I leapt for what I thought and believed
In return was devastation and humiliations

And I stopped dreaming
Jamie had a chance, well she really did
Instead she dropped out and had a couple of kids
Mark still lives at home cause he's got no job
He just plays guitar, smokes a lot of pot

Jay committed suicide
Brandon OD'd and died
What the hell is going on?
Cruelest dream, reality

Chances blown, nothing's free
Longing for what used to be
Still, it's hard, hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams

~ the kids aren't alright, offspring

The Hallway

It's never clear. Everything seems just a little tainted. It all feels mixed, bundled, twisted, combined from different scenes - my old work, my old-old work, co-workers of both, and hidden monsters. I am walking down that hallway again, on my way out, to the stairs, elevator, whatever. I'm careful, but I can't remember why. I try not to draw any attention, not to make the slightest sound. Suddenly a co-worker nearby waves and speaks to me. I smile and nod, returning the greeting with quick, quiet-ish chit chat. I keep walking. More feafull then ever. But why? I'm almost at the end of the hall. Just a few seconds more. And I think how silly of me, to be scared shit-less, over absolutely nothing.

She's standing over her desk, talking to her co-worker. Probably about product recalls, about the recent milk products, Maple Leaf, and others I can't remember right now. I recognize her. And I remember why. Everything. I try not to make eye contact, try to avoid catching her attention. I always make it out, but I always turn my head for one last glance. Just to see if she is looking.

This is when I always wake up, again. Some things haunt us forever.

The Answer

So she asked me the question. It was early morning. God knows what time it was, we used to be on the phone until 8am just before school/work. I thought it was just another night, regular, uneventful, meaningless casual chatting. I should start betting against myself. What would you do, she said. If you are really close to this girl, but she has a boyfriend. However she's not happy, and she doesn't love him anymore. But she loves you. Would you be willing if she chooses to break up with her boyfriend to be with you?

I paused. I wasn't sure what to say out loud. I could hear myself breathing harder, quicker. Staring into nothingness in my own room, digesting, comprehending her question. It wasn't until maybe a good 10 seconds later, or it could've been eternity for all I remember.

I gave a cowardly answer. A politically correct answer. A "good" man's answer. Maybe a perfect human being's answer. A text book answer. What a saint would say. Or really what a pretentious person like myself would say.

She never heard the honest reply. I was naive.
It is always too late.
I'm seeing
A whole other world in my mind
Girl I feel it
I'm breathing in love all the time

~ oasis, love's like a bomb

Who's that cute girl?

It wasn't romantic. Watching fireworks by the lake on a warm summer night, with your love, is supposed to be romantic, yea? She was cold. She kept a distance. She barely said a word. The writing was on the wall. But I went ahead anyways.
"So you wanna come to the fireworks tonight that we talked about?"
"Hmm.. are your friends gonna come? Yea?"
"......"
"......"
"I could always ask them."

We were at the usual late night joint after the fireworks. Busy as usual on a Sat, especially that night. We could only get a table for four, so me and her shared a space. Anna, also happened to be there with Amy and their crew.
"Toan, you're in town!"
"Victor!! Who's that cute girl?"
"Just a friend.."


I picked her up that night, the first of many. The U of C theaters, can't believe I never went in there once all those years. Still haven't. It was getting late, it was maybe 10am. We made it to Cheesecake Cafe, meeting two of my friends. It felt right. She felt right. Everything was right, that moment, somehow. Right then, we knew, there had to be more.


I listened to her. I was stupid. I wasn't a man. I let myself down. I let her down.
"I'll come right now, okay?"
"No don't... I'll be ok... just don't right now.."


"Hey.......... you're still coming to my birthday tomorrow, right?"
"Sure, but I don't know how to get there. I work late tonight..."
"We can work something out.. maybe one of my friends can pick you up on the way or something. Just let me know when you know you need a ride for sure, I'll come get you if my friends can't."
"Ok.."
I didn't hear from her the rest of that day. Or the next. Not until days or weeks later. I lost track. To be exact, I didn't hear from her. She simply.. left me an offline message on icq. Saying she was sorry and that she knew she ruined my birthday.
That, was the year of 2004.


"Right now??"
"Yea.. I got off a little early."
It was only just past 9pm. She usually got off later, say 10pm or 11pm. I was at a birthday party, out of town. She knew, I had told her. Not too far, just 30mins out of the city limits maybe. But adding the time needed to go to the U of C, I was pushing say 45mins. I told the host I was leaving, I struggled to leave. But I knew I should. And I did.
"You're so late...................... It's been almost an hour."
"I'm sorry, I got a little lost on the way back. Couldn't figure out the out of town roads pitch dark."

Our last encounter.

She never used to let me walk her to the door. She lived with her aunt, who supposedly was quite strict and annoying with everything. She said she didn't want her aunt to see me at the door. Her aunt never did.
"How about we go for deserts? That Japanese desert place Yamato, remember? It's still open."
"No. Just take me home."

I don't know if this was months, or years later. She sent me a message online, that she was now dating someone. She felt that she should let me know, she said.

Burnt Fries

"Hey, let's go for lunch?"
"Sure.. somewhere close, we came back late last time."
"Hmm.. how about Infusion?"
"?"

She didn't even know about the little deli/sandwich place across from our building. Never been there, never tried their butter chicken. We went for lunch, as we'd do, a lot back then. She said she wasn't hungry. She didn't order a thing, not even a salad or drink. She said she'd just watch me eat and keep me company. I got some fries, potato wedges they were more like, thought then at least she'd have something to snack on. She barely did.

I always loved the ones that were too burnt, so crispy, so unhealthy, but tasted so good. She'd used to stop me from eating them, brushing my hand away from the dish literally. We'd argue our views about cancer, nutrition, and god knows what else came with those. She studied nutrition.

"Those give you cancer, don't eat them!"
"But they taste so good... it's ok, I'm still here after twenty-some years, yea?"

I'm sick of burnt fries. Sick.

Rapture

"So what cha up to these days?"
"......."

These days, I've replaced that with "Just drinking and sleeping man." People, and myself, got sick of the lack of an answer. These are trying times.

What do I desire in life? I got three things: love, career, money. And in that order. My career was on-hold because of the delayed project, which put my money on-hold may I add. Now they're on-hold because I'm unemployed. Love, where to start. Yes, where to start. Get a hobby, yes I've heard. I think I've taken up drinking as a hobby, quite distasteful some say.

Till the day.

Where to start?
I still don't know what I was waiting for
A big love to fall down from the sky
She took my hand and picked me up off the floor
She put an apple in my eye

I said I'm tired
Come get me off the merry-go-round
I'm wired
Come feed me and then bring-a-me down

~ oasis, waiting for the rapture

"It's touch'n go"

"You know, you really should be eating lunch at least. You already don't eat breakfast most of the time."
"I'm busy... don't worry, I drink tons of water and stuff too. I don't wanna get fat."

I bought her these Japanese green tea bags. It was the same brand that my family always drank when I lived in Hong Kong. They sold them at one of the Chinese supermarkets here.

"Water? Don't like the tea bags?"
"Nono.. they're okay, just... the flavor is too strong, must be lots of artificial."

She worked in quality assurance. She knew her nutrition, all that jazz it seems. A bit of a health freak almost, except she's obsessed with being skinny. I went shopping again. A different brand this time, one that I thought, hoped really, as I can't read any Japanese, would be more natural flavored with less artificial substances.

"So.. what do you think of this kind?"
"They are great!"

I gave her the entire box of the new kind, and she handed me the original ones. I made a cup, and they tasted fine, I thought. To this day, I have two boxes left, of the "natural flavored" kind. Drinking them right now, because these ones never made it to her.
And until youve repaid
The dreams you've bought for your lies
You'll be cast away
Alone under stormy skies
Alone under stormy skies

~ where did it go wrong, oasis

Glass Ceiling

I'd be sitting, standing, walking.. I don't remember exactly really, at the school field. It was lunch, or recess. I used to look at all the other kids playing, laughing, hitting each other with snow, tripping. I was the outcast.

Playing ball. Recess. I'd have been accepted, in the weakest sense of the definition as possible. I didn't know what they were saying. I could hear, I could hear most of the words, but they meant next to nothing to me at the time. It was a struggle. It was a battle. It was harsh. I thought that hey, eventually I'd overcome it. Have I? Language, culture, and who knows what else. There's just something different that I can't find words to describe. I was not the same as them.

A glass ceiling.

Sometimes I wonder, how they are all doing now. Eric, Jeremiah, even Jason Scott? What about the Crawford brothers James and Nathan? Rory? Drama dude Jeremy? And god knows who else.

It's not until I hear my buddy's little 14 year old sister is now more than legal, that I realize how long it's been. Time's never kind to any.

10 Minutes

I picked up my phone, "Victor speaking." It was a girl's voice. She said hi and sounded unsure, then I realized who it was. My best friend was trying to set me up with someone. We had a few quick chats and were talking. But I never thought she'd call me at work. Matter of fact, how did she get my work number? Did I give it to her?..

Sunday morning. 10am. She told me earlier initially, but it seems like she woke up late. I was eating the sushi she made for me. Her dad and brother were out working. Just the two of us. I finished the sushi rolls, the rice was brown. I had never seen or even heard of brown colored rice before. She told me they were supposedly better "sweet rice", or something like that, that they use in Japan (her dad and brother are sushi chefs.)

I said that it wasn't going to work. I had someone else in my heart. I was gonna just play it cool and have some fun, nothing serious, while I pursue her. But now that I see she's putting lots and try to have a relationship with me, I didn't want to do it no more. She knew, about who I hold dearest to my heart. She's heard all about her. Since the beginning. She thought she'd compete, and win me over. But it just ain't like that.

She cried and I held her. It was for, maybe say 10 minutes. But it felt like eternity to me. I didn't say anything. I didn't want to make it worse.

"Don't hug me. Go hug your girl."

I was home before noon that day. I thought, hey, it was all for her. Reason enough.

It was all for nothing.

A Call

I was just sitting there. Looking at the clock, I had a good hour-ish until I had to prepare for my flight. Maybe I could take a quick nap, so I thought, I hadn't slept at all after all. And then my phone rang, and it was her. I heard her voice, and I could tell she was crying. She says she went and sat at my desk that day. A Saturday. To see what my days were like, trying to imagine my work day aside from her. Needless to say, my desk was cleaned and tidied up by then. The styrofoam mini-me wearing the Kokanee top hat was gone. My stickies have been trashed. The note with her extension was tossed, tho I never needed to use it no more. My cousin's daughter's picture, the one whom my boss thought was my daughter, was brought home. There was nothing left, just emptiness and a computer.

"I've got to go, my taxi is here."
"....."
"I'll call you once I've checked in at the airport. I promise."

It didn't end the way either of us wanted it to.
Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows if it's night or day
But please don't put your life in the hands
Of a rock'n roll band
Who'll throw it all away

~ don't look back at anger

Candy

I had this box of glass chocolates. Actually glass candies, handmade. All different, colors, funky shapes, everything. I got it at a glass factory at Niagra Falls. Souvenirs for my coworkers at the time, and a few friends. It was this big box, maybe 20 of em or so, so I could do one for each person and not be broke. Hey, I was still on part time then, last of the 2-part time jobs days. It was affordable, and heck, they were really awesome. At least I thought so.

I gave em out when I got back. It was Spring 06' then. Surprisingly I had one left. They were all awesome, but this was the nicest one, and so I kept it for myself. Looking at it once in awhile. Girly? Maybe, some'd probably say so. I just thought it was awesome. All individual, all original.

A few months later, I met her. And a few more months later, I gave her the last candy. The best one, or at least I thought so. I told her all about it, I told her all about my trip. And that it was my last. Then she told me she'd hold on to it for me and never ever lose it, and that I can see it anytime I want.

Anytime.
I know a girl called Elsa
She's into Alka Seltzer
She sniffs it through a cane on a supersonic train
And she made you laugh
I got her autograph
She's done it with a doctor on a helicopter
She's sniffin' in her tissue
Sellin' the Big Issue

~ oasis, supersonic

Dig out your soul, cos' here we go

oasis

And we're away to be where there's life
When we come call out
Everything's sold out
TV just closed down
There's nothing on the news now

Fears don't try me
Tears don't cry me
We're away to be where there's life
Be where there's life

Dig out your soul, cos' here we go
We gotta move, it's what we do
Let me come through
Let me take you away to be where there's life
To be where there's life

Take you over the light
Under the signs
In through locked doors to secret floors
Where we've lost 'em before

4:17 am

Why does it still hurt so much?
Why do I still think of you in the middle of the night?
How long is it gonna be until my life gets back on track?
How could you cut all ties, just like that?
Do I ever cross your mind at all?
Have I made a difference in your life?
Did you really mean what you said?
What was the thing you didn't want to say?
Would it have mattered if I did something more? Different?

How's your bad back?
Has your mom recovered fully from her surgery yet?
Have you found a job?
Are you still in Calgary? Or in Edmonton or Hong Kong?
Have you even changed your cell phone?
Have you fixed your wind shield yet? Or have you just got a new car?
Are you eating lunch regularly?
Do you still go to the Tims, for a raspberry steeped tea?

How are you.

Everything and more, I wish I could know.

Autumn's sweet we call it fall

- scartissue

Hockey's starting in days.
Halloween's around the corner.
The wind's chilly already, and soon it'll be snow.

This moment in time, for the 25th time.

I hope I haven't taken up too much of your time

- chicago

Suppose you was a little cat residing in a person's flat
who fed you fish and scratched your ears
You'd notice him
Suppose you was a woman wed been sleeping in a double bed
beside one man for seven years
You'd notice him

A human being is made of more than air
With all that bulk you're bound to see him there
Unless that human being next to you, is
Unimpressive, undistinguished
you know, who

Should've been my name, Mister Cellophane
Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me, and never know I'm there
I tell ya

Cellophane, Mister Cellophane
Should've been my name, Mister Cellophane
Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me, and never know I was there

Never even know... I'm there

[spoken]
I hope I haven't taken up too much of your time.

Times are hard when things have got no meaning

- oasis

Made a meal and threw it up on Sunday
I’ve, got a lot of things to learn
Said I would and I'll be leaving one day
Before my heart starts to burn

So what’s the matter with you, sing me something new
Don’t you know the cold and wind and rain don’t know
They only seem to come and go, away

Times are hard when things have got no meaning
I’ve found a key upon the floor
Maybe you and I will not believe in
The things we find behind the door

So what’s the matter with you, sing me something new
Don’t you know the cold and wind and rain don’t know
They only seem to come and go away

Stand by me, nobody knows the way it’s gonna be
Stand by me, nobody knows the way it’s gonna be
Stand by me, nobody knows the way it’s gonna be
Nobody knows, yeah nobody knows
The way it’s gonna be

If you're leaving will you take me with you
I’m tired of talking on my phone
There is one thing I can never give you
My heart will never be your home

So what’s the matter with you, sing me something new
Don’t you know the cold and wind and rain don’t know
They only seem to come and go away

Thoughts

What are your thoughts on interracial dating?
How about in particular between Asians and Caucasians?
Does the gender for which is which matter?

What you think, I'd like to know.

Why?

Do you believe in God?
I don't.

The world is not a paradise. Good people aren't always treated right. Assholes tend not to get what they deserve. Things don't always work themselves out at the end. There is rarely justice. If you want to get ahead in our society, you've got to cheat and bully your away around. Play fair, and your odds of success are greatly reduced. Yes, it happens to the few lucky honest people. The rest of them get screwed while the ones responsible are moving up the ladder. Good deeds and a pure heart seems no longer admirable. It's your salary and the things you own, and the crowd you know that defines you.

There is no God.
If there was such a being, it definitely does not have the sense of justice and fairness that we expect God to have. Maybe our reality is just a lesser level of hell.

Liberation

I might have left fifteen grand on the table.

But I've won back my pride, dignity, and principles.
Times are dark.. and it just keeps getting darker.
Got up early, found something's missing
my only name.
No one else sees but I got stuck,
and soon forever came.
Stopped pushing on for just a second,
then nothing's changed.
Who am I this time, where's my name
I guess it crept away.

No one's calling for me at the door.
And unpredictable won't bother anymore.
And silently gets harder to ignore.
Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
What's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
Just let it go, what now can never be.

- Andain, Beautiful Things

The Line

So how do I know when we've crossed the line? The separation between just friends and lovers. Between merely living, and heavenly bliss. Is there a "time's up", where we cross the line after a certain period of time? Is there a thing we do, like when we kiss, when we make love, that we cross that line? Is it when we connect, on a certain intellectual and emotional level, like no other?

All those things could be friends, it surely seems. But also lovers. How do I cross this imaginary boundary to the other side. Find me a way, and you have my heart and soul.

I do not know. And sometimes I wonder if I'll ever know. Where is that line? A step forward, or a distance of inches...

Happiness is a state of mind.

- who knows

Yes, happiness is a state of mind - so is sadness, loneliness, nervousness, and every other emotion we feel at any given moment. Induced by external factors, things, people... happenings. Good or bad, whether we like it or not, we experience and then we're forced to feel. No choice. No, we don't get to choose. You say it's beautiful? Yes, it is.. every single feeling we get is a treasure. It's like a snow flake fading away. And then there's nothing left to hold on to.

Happiness is a one way street.

Take me to the place where you go, where nobody knows.. if it's night or day.

- oasis

The show was brilliant. They did not disappoint, sounding as good if not better than on their records. The songs I really wanted to hear, they played.. Wonderwall, Supernova, Don't look back at anger, Champagne Supernova. It was great until we walked out of the venue and it was pouring outside.


I wonder what it feels like to be famous. To be loathed and loved, to be talked about, to be on the papers, on the radio, the internet. To matter.

It feels as tho I do not really exist, I'm merely a fragment of my own imagination. How bizarre.

How many lives are living strange

- Oasis
Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams, she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannon ball
Where were you while we were getting high
Someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky

I'm actually going to the concert on Aug 30th.. the anticipation has been amazing. It keeps me going until the end of the month. Because, what have I got left? Was reading over some ancient emails from my old work, between me and a certain female ex-coworker. This wasn't HER, just a friend. She asked me out - and I suppose I blew it after a few outings. But anyhow.. reading over our conversations, it's as if I was living another life just over a year ago.

"And I don't ever wanna feel.. like I did that day"

- RedHotChiliPeppers

So, when's Okotoks gonna be built? - everyone
Look at his eyes.. Okotoks' sucked the life out of him for the last weeks. - coworkers
Everytime I drive by, there's no one there on-site. It's frustrating you know. - tenants
Just tell them that we'll be ready tomorrow. Even tho we're not. - my boss
So.. you know we're waiting for a payment. - contractors
Guys'll be on-site tomorrow, really. - contractors
We're... really close to doing a draw from the bank here... - my boss

Just some of the lines I'm sicken tired of hearing constantly at the moment.

And I almost forgot, my absolute favorite: A fax from the site supervisor in the afternoon, with simply two lines of writing, nothing else:
" Can't come in to work tomorrow. No cash for fuel."
I literally cracked out loud - and thoroughly disgusted.

"I never worry, now that is a lie"

- Red Hot Chili Peppers

It's difficult when you think something is wrong with yourself, but you don't know what. You start to think that it's got to be this.. it's got to be that, and you work at it. You work hard, and you made it. But nothing changes. Things are still the way they were. But something has to be wrong, for things to be this way. Right?.. And how things are is unbearable. There must be a thing, that I'm lacking, missing. So I do this, and I do that. I set goals, and I meet them. I pour my heart and soul, over and again, into everything. Yet, it's still the same. What's left to try, what's next?

But I can't see it. And that just makes it so much worse.

It's like I finally reached that light at the end of the tunnel.. then I realize, that it was never really there to begin with - now, it's just darkness.

I cannot sleep again.

A typical day, Part-II

I was at the office, it was just after lunch. Kyle was on-site for the morning and just got back. I asked how things went out there. I asked him what Ian got done. I asked him the situation out there..

Me - So did Ian manage to get started cleaning up the site for final grade?

Kyle - No. Well.. I guess he did move a small pile of rebars. But aside from that no.

Me - Ah.

Kyle - The bins were still there too, he hasn't called for pick up I don't think. Nothing else's been touch.. the scrap lumber's still laying around, Styrofoam at the same spots.....

Me - I'm assuming he didn't call Arte Roofing then.

Kyle - Well, I asked him about that when I saw the Styrofoam still sitting there. (a pause) And he said, "Call Arte?" I said "Yea," and then he replied, "Why would I call them?"

Me - Hahahh, why am I not surprised he hasn't.. (I'm almost choking in laughter, at my presupposed assumption of his incompetence.)

Kyle - No, he actually said that... WHY would he call them. (emphasis, pause)

Me - You're for real. (I'm staring at Kyle wide-eyed at this point.) Holy shit.. I even wrote down on that piece of paper, yesterday, asking him to call Arte and specifically what to ask them. And he said WHY WOULD HE CALL THEM?!..

Kyle - Yea I know... after he said that, that's when I just, stopped.

Me - ... (This is when I walked out of the office without a word.)

Apparently my boss, fully aware of everything, says we just got to babysit our "site supervisor", COUGH, SITE SUPERVISOR, as the project is nearing its end. In other words - he ain't gonna do shit about it.

I usually don't care to compare like this, but this instance really has me, well quite upset. I'm supposed to babysit someone, who makes... more than double my monthly salary. Oh yea, and essentially do his job for him, and do mine. I wish I was a bastard, so I could have the heart to ask for a ridiculous pay raise right now, or simply walk. And my boss would have to give it to me, as I'm literally running the whole project at the moment. But I just want to see this done, complete. I've poured my heart and soul into this, I wanna see it built.

In other news, I'm quite ready to give my 2-weeks once this project is complete.

A typical morning from my day of work.

(Pick-up truck pulls up on-site with a delivery of metal doors, as I'm meeting with Ian and Kyle.)
Don - Where do you guys want 'em?

Me, to my site supervisor - Ian, where should we put them? What works right now? (looking around to see what space we got)

Ian - I don't know man. It doesn't matter.. fucken great the doors are here!

Don - Well?

Kyle - .....

Me - But where should we put them right now?.. as to not get in any trade's way and stuff.. (everybody's looking around, waiting for Ian to tell us where to put them)

Ian - ehh I don't know Victor, I dont know... what do you think? (looks at me)

Me - .......... (meanwhile Don, Kyle, and myself just start unloading doors into the building)

Just showcasing the pure incompetence of my site supervisor on the job. Makes it hard, when I'm doing project coordinating and essentially site supervising for him.

I got this conversation idea from reading Veronica & LD.

Guilt Part-II

I am fortunate. But I don't feel alive.

Unmotivated, because I'm unhappy. Unhappy, because I feel no love. A low self esteem, why can't I find my love? Low self esteem leads to a lack of motivation, for life. It's a vicious cycle, and it doesn't break no matter what I do.

My parents and family's expectations, are the opposite of what I've become. But even more importantly, my own expectations, of a human being. Waking up to go to work, working to go home at night. Working towards the weekend, and then sleeping till it's Monday again. I sneak through week after week, month after month, escaping with alcohol. I need a purpose. Yet I'm unmotivated.

While others are doing meaningful things, things that they are proud of, things that... benefit society. What am I doing? Simply taking up resources that could be better used for others. Do I deserve to live in the luxury of a middle class family household that I do? On what merits?

Yes, "I need to help myself to be helped."

I cannot stress how much I have tried, to break out of "this" life. My efforts have been futile. I can't pull myself out with one hand. If only she'd give me her's, and a slight pull. It didn't have to be much... just a difference of inches. Just a little.

If you're bored, if you have time. Or if you're simply amused. Read these. A few pieces of my work over my university days.

Famine, Morality, and Entitlement
The Sanctity of Life

Morality on Rational Grounds
Refuting Moral Realism


A Practical Account of the Levels Theory

Utter Particularity of Moral Decisions
The Gap between Moral Ideals and Decision Making


I, feel wide open now. Maybe I'm opening a bit too much on here. Maybe it just doesn't matter anymore. Maybe I no longer care, about everything.

Guilt

I donate monthly just so I could bear to live with myself.

"A week ago I had my whole life man.."

- One Tree Hill
I had to switch off the television after that line.
Struck a chord. Boggled my mind. It hit home. Hard.
It wasn't a week ago - it was more than a year ago.

"Nice Guys and Intellectual Whores"
- a man attempts to increase his appeal to a woman by demonstrating the qualities she has indicated that she values in another person.
- to the male, this is perceived as simply increasing his overall appeal..
- for the female, however, such behaviour increases the man's rank on the "Friendship" ladder while simultaneously decreasing it on the "Partner" ladder.

LT suggests that a man who attempts to appeal to a woman through intellectual stimulation or entertainment runs the risk of, rather than becoming or replacing the woman's sexual partner, becoming what Allen satirically depicts as an "intellectual whore" -- someone sought out solely for their intellect, with no interest on the part of the woman in broadening the relationship to other dimensions.

Batman

Batman Dark Knight is truly an impressive movie. The Joker, brought to life. Kudos to a lost soul.

In other news.. vinny is suffering from Dominican withdrawn again.

Additional Coverage - he misses Jen.

Tonic – If You Could Only See

"Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations

They cut me down to size

Sayin you love but you dont
You give your love but you wont"

Weezer - Say It Ain't So

"This bottle of Steven's
awakens ancient feelings.
Like father, step-father, the son is drowning in the flood"

Who's my Superwoman?.. I just wanted to love you.

Adema - All These Years

One got addicted
And the other ran away
Some settled down a familiar place
One lets go of the wheel
While the other one steers
One got the money that the other put away
Some hung around when the others couldn't stay
A few just followed their dreams while the others stood clear

After all these years
After all these years

One found religion and the other lost faith
One sold something that he never could replace
Both looked back to see if the coast was clear
One hits the bottle 'till his problems go away
The other never made it home from school that day
Sometimes I wish I could just disappear


After all these years
After all these years

It feels like some days that the sun never shines
I can't decipher all these little thin rhymes
They're going down in flames
They're burning alive
I just can't take this anymore

One look back at the past and I'm finally here
After all these years

One got addicted
And the other ran away
Some hung around when the others couldn't stay
One let's go of the wheel
While the other one steers
After all these years
One found religion and the other lost faith
One sold something that he never could replace
Both looked back to see if the coast was clear

"Shorty Got Low"

What does it matter to you anyway?
Everything.

- Spiderman 3

The rain comes and goes. But it never stays away.

Dreaming I was dreaming

I had a dream last night - I went back to work for my old boss at Westfair. And she came to me and said "Hi."

Still wearing long hair, still wearing pink.

Everyday

Everyday everyday
Everyday everyday

"And I ask the good lord why you sigh, he told me we live to die" ~ bonethugz, crossroads

Being positive is so much easier said than done.

The only bright spot at the moment.. is that I'm able to drink under the sun, at the patio, with a couple friends, after work. Just a tiny little bit of Puerto Plata.

I Hate Everything About You

"All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me"


-Three Days Grace

Fall from Grace

What it feels like to find out your paradise was all but a disguise. We hung out, we danced. We drank, we had each other. She kissed me, and she lied.

Falling from heaven is hard. It's worse when you're plunging straight into oblivion at the blink of an eye.

"And I dont know if I've ever really been loved
By a hand that's touched me,
And I feel like something's gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well"
Matchbox 20, Push

Passion For Life


I felt like I was a million bucks. I WAS a million bucks.
As I walked into the pool, by the bar, I was the star.

Reality bites.. it's depressing.

Puerto Plata, feels like a distant dream. It's far from comforting knowing 2 weeks later I'm missing everything there more than ever. The place, the food, the booze, the ocean, the sun, the stage shows, the swim-up bar. And I miss every person I met there.

To be free

I was free - in the ocean by myself, surrounded by friends at the resort, having a blast. I was living.

7 days flew by as if it was 2 days.

I went from sleeping at least 8 hr days, to 4 hrs on average. I woke up to the pool, swim-up bar. I woke up to Dominican Breakfast - a quadrible rum n coke.

I talked to girls, I talked to them as if I was the most handsome guy on the planet. We danced, and we grinded like there was no tomorrow.

What a great time.......... who's in for the next all inclusive?

I reminisce I reminisce

Thinkin of this girl I once had
My heart's on my sleeve and
She tried to make my heart go bleed and I

~choclair, still
"It's even dark in the daytime
It's not just good, it's great depression."

- Gnarls Barkley
I can't win.

It's just too much.

I am really ready to just roll over, not die, but let everything go.

Overwhelmed. Work. Friends. Family. Life.

Too much for me to face alone. Just too much.

Give me some love, a beach, a cocktail. Just let me wither into nothingness.......


And she asked, if things are better now.

Surrender

So many times have I sat here, right here on this chair. Staring at the computer screen, not wanting to sleep for the night. Without knowing what I want to do, but only feeling the desire to release my emotions. Those bottled up feelings, tainted pasts. Not quite sober and not quite disillusioned, on that borderline of consciousness. What do I do, where do i go. Who to speak to, where to turn to. What is there, is there anything. Questions and answers, filling my mind like flies. Not organizable into words, not able to express in speech. Merely certain emotions, moments of time. When you want to just let it out, go let it out, let it all out. And you search for that outlet, you think long and hard. I've never found an answer. Mental fatigue takes me in and I cannot do but surrender.

Plumb - Damaged

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

A monologue

She says: Life really sucks right now..

Me thinks: I was going to be your pillar of strength.

Tequila Bar and Grill

I wonder how Calgary ranks amongst other cities in regards to this issue.


Paul Vickers... I can't bring myself to trust his words. He says all the right things, but that's not how his businesses reflect.

do for love

What did you do for love?

Tell me.

"What you won't do, do for love
You tried everything, but you don't give up

Tell me who knows, a peaceful place where I can go
To clear my head I'm feelin' low, losing control"


-2pac

He say, She say

Lost at the boundary of fiction and reality.

They say I got ta learn, but nobody's here to teach me
If they can't understand it, how can they reach me?
I guess they can't -- I guess they won't
I guess they frontin that's why I know my life is out of luck, fool


- gangsta's paradise

One Year.

And so, a year passes. It was the end of February 2007. It is now the end of February 2008. I was drinking then, and I'm still drinking now. I wasn't quite a man yet, and still not. Time flies by and forgot me along the way. But I am still standing here dreaming of her.

What gives?

Happy Valentines

Not me. But her. And him.

Happy Chinese New Year

I think of you.
Sometimes. And on days like these, all the time.

Wishing I could hear your voice once more. Calling my name.

"The feeling that I'm feeling now that I don't hear your voice."
- We belong together, Mariah Carey

Mr Cellophane

If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm and shook his leg
You'd notice him

If someone in the movie show
Yelled "Fire in the second row
This whole place is a powder keg!"
You'd notice him

And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone gets noticed, now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!


Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name

Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

Suppose you was a little cat
Residin' in a person's flat
Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You'd notice him

Suppose you was a woman, wed
And sleepin' in a double bed
Beside one man, for seven years
You'd notice him

A human being's made of more than air
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there
Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who...


Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there.


Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.

- Amos, Chicago

Time after time

I sit here and bits & pieces of memories just rush through my mind.

Raspberry steeped tea at Tim Hortons.
Mcdonalds. Fries, with the extra black pepper. Packs-worth.
Tony Romas, the ribs. Because she wanted.
Orange Julius. Subway. Wendys.
And of course Pebble-street, the congee.

763, the extention. 318, the license. 708-3183, the phone.

When I was in pain 1 am in the morning.
When she was in pain, all through work.
When we walked out like a couple, when we were caught like a couple.
When we bickered like we were in love.
We worried about each other. When we were more than friends.
She lied to me. And I thought I could leave. But I've really gone nowhere at all.

I never could bring myself to toss out those long expired Mcdonalds coupons. Because I could still see her clearly tearing them one by one, neatly placing them in the slot in my car. As if it's just happened now.

I need help.

I miss'her

"but I wanna take this time out to be perfectly honest
'cause there's a lot of shit that I keep bottled
that hurts deep inside of my soul
and just know that I grow colder the older I grow
this boulder on my shoulder gets heavy and harder to hold
and this load is like the weight of the world
and I think my neck is breaking

should I just give up, or try to live up to these expectations"

eminem - hailie's song

Sin

Snow
Frost
Ice
Slush
Pond
Vapor

All the different forms of rain and snow.
How amazing the natural world is.

Last week, a middle aged mother of five was beaten to death at the train station. It was 9-10 at night, a random attack. Her body was mutilated beyond recognition.

How utterly disgusting humanity could be.

"318"

I saw 318 on Deerfoot today.

I gas-ed it as much as could with the limited dual turn space. I didn't want to end up side by side. "318", it clicked within a split second when I saw the plate. Certainly her. And she certainly must have saw me.

I squeezed and snaked my way through the busy traffic during rush hour, desperately wanting to put more distance behind me, away from her. I don't know why I was running; it was instinctual. My ability to comprehend the situation disappeared. I couldn't digest seeing her, just like that. Not there, not then, not when I least expected it.

I did not see her on the highway again. Only in my mind.

"Facing 2008"

So she has moved on.

There is a picture, of her, smiling with him.

I think I knew, and I expected it. I was prepared for it, at least I had thought so. But clearly I haven't moved on yet.

Not a step.

The Fire

What happened to all the kissing, making-out, and sex?

Are these not the things an ordinary person growing up experiences?
Relationships, the ups and downs, the lingering memories and regrets. Those I've experienced. But the sweets, the delicious fruits? Am I that unattractive to the opposite sex?

The one night stand that almost happened, until her roommate busted in for some stupid reason. Somehow it all fell apart, right then right there. The closest I had ever come to making love. I get older every year, and I am still a virgin. Sometimes I don't know what to think, am I doing something wrong? Am I just unlucky? What is going on here? For others it seems to come naturally, so easily at times. But no matter what I try, it just isn't happening.

Over the past few years, my fire has dimmed.

"Red Bull gives me wings!"

PureVision. Quality contact lens.

Yet I still cannot see.. what's in front of me. What lays ahead in this life of mine. If anything awaits me.
What should I do, jump off the bridge or try to walk on a wire?
If only I had wings. Time for some Red Bull.
Too bad the 7-11 is on the other side across this cliff.

I had a dream.

About something that happened years ago.
With someone that has long been out of my life.
Something in the past that has faded over the years,
But never forgotten.

She was with someone, presumably her boyfriend.
She looked a little different. Not entirely different, but enough for me not to recognize her at first glance.
She had glasses, her hair was longer. But it was still her.
She said hi, and I didn't know who she was.
She asked if I really don't remember.
I thought hard and long. And it struck me, of course I did.
I was afraid to tell her. I didn't know to admit it or not.
It was an odd encounter; she was with her bf, I was with my parents.
A casual conversation, the usual greetings and compliments.
And we parted ways.
Again.

I reminisce.

It was 2004.
I wish it could have turned out differently.
I still remember where she used to live. The U of C theater that she worked at. Her health issues. Family feuds.
Everything.

LONELY ROADS & PSYCHO PATHS: ifiwerebrave is a plagiarist

LONELY ROADS & PSYCHO PATHS: ifiwerebrave is a plagiarist

Is it Love, Lust, or merely Craziness. Probably all three yea?

She saw me. I think she did, she must have. Once or twice. I had seen it, but I just cannot be sure for the life of me.. was it 708 or 383? The license plate. It was the car. That deep ocean blue, Honda, CR-V. It was at the mall. Just parked there, as I'm going in circles trying to park. And to look at it. It was also at the lounge. I didn't think much of it then. Maybe I should have. Was she there? Did she notice me? Did she know I was there?

I never saw her.

Is she still in the City? Is she gone? Is she gone. From my life? I ache. My heart aches, my whole body aches. My mind is fleeting. What it was, nothing to begin with? Is this the truth, or the illusion she wants me to believe? Does she still care, do I ever cross her mind? Tim Hortons, the taste of Raspberry steeped tea. An ice cold cappuccino in the cold, and a latte under the sun. The McDonalds, the coupons. The Cristy Chicken, Tony Roma's, Safeway, the mall. Market Mall. The car rides, the walks. The talks, the e-mails. The passing bys, the eye contacts, the hi-byes. The office phone calls, the gossips. The sick calls, the come-over-here for food calls. The VIP lunch room calls, the lean-ins. The Christmas card telling me that you were happy to gain a friend. The heartbreaking revelation of a boyfriend. The ambiguous response. The final straw. I was merely a third string quarterback in the running. Not good enough to be the back up? I left. She cried. I asked. She mumbled. More ambiguity. And I stepped on the plane.

I came back. I tried to contact. For the life of me, she won't talk to me. Can't talk to me. Didn't talk to me. I don't know what I can salvage, love? Friendship? Lust? What I want to salvage. I am blinded.

What is she doing.
Where is she.
How is she.
Who is She.

Had I ever known, or was it all an act. Did I see what I wanted to see, or who she wanted me to see. Did she ever intend to let me know HER? Did she see too much of me, and turned her head around. Was she unimpressed, was she uninterested, was she just a bitch?

What was,
What could've,
What should've been,
What could be now,
What should be now,
What I want it to be now?
And this is how She wants it to be now?

Time does not heal all. Everyday it bleeds. The scar tissue clogs and peels, and it bleeds over. A tint of a darker red every time.

I still regret the fact that we never took a picture together. Even now. I see her in my sleep. Not that of her face, but her abstractly as a Person. I can barely picture her face clearly anymore, it's somewhat blurry. But the persona, she is still in my heart. She imprinted clearly, deeply, pain-staking and bittersweet. I wondered and thought. In Calgary. In the air. In San Fran, Sydney, Melbourne. I remember looking up the night sky in Perth wondering what you didn't say. Walking the sand in Fremantle dreaming as if you were there. Searching over cities, because I had promised you a "koala that moves". The anticipation, I still recall, of seeing you once again. It's still there but buried. It will be 10 months soon.

What does a woman want? A man who loves her. A man with money. A confident and capable man. A handsome looking man. A man who will take care of her, protect her. A man who is caring of her needs. What she really wants, I don't really know. I tried it all, best I could. All I could. Was it just not good enough? Would it ever be good enough? When is it good enough?

They say every song tells a story. Yea, every song does.
How many times have I thought to have seen you and dazed.

"Driving 'round thought I saw you pass me
My rear view mirror's playing tricks on me
Cause' you fade away
Maybe I'm just hallucinating
Cause my loneliness got the best of me
And my heart's so weak"
- Case, Missing You

"And what I loved most she had so much soul"

"And yo it's Monday morning and I'm thinkin' about you"
"Cause' I want you in my life, I want you to be my wife"
"And smile for you when the skies are gray"
"What you won't do, do for love"

"I didn't even know she had a man
She said she didn't have a man"

"Thoughts of me, thoughts of she, thoughts of he"
"And just know that I grow colder the older I grow"
"I guess to find real love I gotta pay my dues"

"And I'm nobody without someone like you"
"Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday?"
"Tell me: if we lived a lie, would our souls unite?"
"But if it wasn't for your misfortunes, I'd be a heavenly person today"

"It's even dark in the day time
It's not just good, it's great depression"

"I try to walk away and I stumble"
"Every day I want to pick up the phone"

"Boy I tell ya, I miss her."