Looking around, wondering to myself.

My boss's been on vacation a lot the last month or two. In other words although there's work left for me to follow up on, there's no one on my ass all the time to get on them right away. I spend a lot of time thinking, looking out my cubicle window down on to my car.. parked in the gravel back parking lot.

Why am I working? What I am doing here?

I'm not happy at work. The atmosphere is fucked up. It seems like a child's playground. Sometimes, so unprofessional it sickens me. Other times, it's how a commercial real estate firm should be. The work that I'm doing, I can't complain. The marketing side of it, doing a lot of research, brochures, graphic design/editing/layout, and most of all some creative writing... this is actually something I like doing.

But I'm not happy. It still feels empty. There's a void in the middle of me, that can't seem to be filled. Food doesn't do it, money doesn't do it, buying shits doesn't seem to do it.

I need love.

Love Like a Bomb

- Oasis

A whole other world in my mind. In your mind.
She's blowing my mind, taken my mind.

Some things

Some things, are just not meant to be?

Is that what we like to think when things aren't well, just to let ourselves feel a little better?

It didn't work out, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Or was it really, it didn't work out, because we could've done otherwise... yet, as one of us took a step forward, the other would take two steps back.

Some things. I just don't understand.

Some things, I wish I didn't have to understand.
I don't believe, that anybody feels the way I do, about you now.


so what, right.
sometimes, i feel too much. feeling like I never should.

Walk on by

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. And I miss you.

Last year, Calgary Stampede, we met. This year.........................................................................
Maybe you've found me before I could find you, and you just walked straight on by.


It seems she actually broke up with her bf, after all this time. It seems, because I don't know for sure, because she isn't returning anything I send her. I should be happy, shouldn't I? What I've dreamed for all these months, finally happened. Even tho the circumstances aren't what they used to be.............. I'm out of her picture now. But from what she's writing, she doesn't seem well. She doesn't seem ok. I think she is.............. just like that time when she barely ate anything for days, when I had to buy lunch for her otherwise she wouldn't even eat. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I just wish that she'd just tell me that she's ok.

I still wish her well.

after all

As I am sitting here still pondering about her, she's out there somewhere pondering about him.

I ruined it for all three of us.

Maybe after all, I really deserve this intolerable punishment that I go by day after day.