The locked door without a key hole

It is like the moon has disappeared, it is like the sky has fallen.

I gave my two weeks notice at work, and I haven't even told her yet.

I bought my flight tickets, now without hesitation.

Out of sight, out of mind. Not?

She says her heart is sour. She has locked mine away, without a key.

The end.

She told me what it was that happened, what made her that way. The whole deal, everything.

I can't handle the truth.

She's broken my heart fifteen times over.

One day some girls gonna break your heart
And ooh aint no pain like from the opposite sex

will smith - just the two of us

I cannot, believe, she'd do this to me. Never in my wildest dreams.......................exceeding all that I had prepared to myself for, exceeding my fucking worst expectations.

Humanity is so fucking ugly, so fucking disgusting. How can one do this to one another, how can you have the fucking heart to do this?? I could not bring myself to do this, no matter how much I crave that affection, no matter how fucking much I am disappointed in you.

I am fucking through, fucking through with not just you, with fucking every fucking thing in this whole fucking world. FUck every thing, fuck.


The end.

3:03 am

case, missing you

Driving 'round thought I saw you pass me
My rearview mirror's playing tricks on me
Cause you fade away
Maybe I'm just hallucinating
Cause my loneliness got the best of me
And my heart's so weak

Her

She seems better now. She is still barely eating. She still hasn't told me what made her this way. Whenever I inquire, she says that it "brings tears to my eyes," but only when I ask her, no one else. She seems to want to talk to me, she messaged me on msn for the first time in months tonight. She even called me at work when she was leaving tonight. That hasn't happened for many months.

But through it all, I know that she thinks of me as nothing more than a friend.

So I'm trying to distance myself.

I guess, as long as she's happy. That's all that matters, right?..

Fool

Today, she told me that I "brought tears to her eyes," and "Thank you for all you have done for me."

In the end, after I thought I could leave it behind, and not care so much about her.. I end up going out of my way to do everything for her. I'm not disappointed in myself, I just feel hopelessness.

It's clear no matter what I do, nothing will come out of this. Yet I just can't let her go. At her slightest sign of toubled moment, I instinctively do whatever she needs to recover.

I saw the article heading, and it strikes me even more so.

Loneliness link with Alzheimer's

Reflection

I just received a call from an old friend that I still hang out with regularly. He heard news of one of our junior high buddies from way back, to have come back to the city. Over the years, he has become an archeologist graduating from U of L, gotten married.. divorced, and now, in Calgary again. My buddy then reflected, during the same timespan, he's graduated from college, and now just working. Then there's the occasional outings at the lounge/bar getting drunk with myself, and our buddy Martin, blabbing about our lack of luck with the ladies these days. What have we been doing all these years? He sighed.

The conversation put a slightly different perspective on to me. Like he said, what have I been doing all these years? Even more so, not what I have tried to do, but what have I actually accomplished through the years?

Wasting away, just wasting away.

dreams, dreams, dreams

Yesterday, Michelle asked me why I am having troubles sleeping. She asked if it's because I wake up from dreams, certain things, etc. I replied saying I just dream about everyday things, work, friends, family, life in general.

I realize I lied, not-purposely. I woke up tonight, dreaming about her. It's always, been about her.