I remember

I remember. When we walked right by each other, the first time we locked eyes, before we met each other. I remember, when we were introduced. I remember when we were together, in the wee hours of the night. I remember, when we watched the fireworks. All the times where I'd be waiting at the U of C, to pick you up from work at night. I wish that I didn't have to remember, the last time I drove you home.

Two years later, she came walking into my life. I remember, when we locked eyes, when we said hi. You initiated, and I was surprised. I remember the Tims runs, the MacDonalds, the congee days, Tony Roma's, Sunridge mall, Infusion, the pho. I remember my birthday, when you sent me a text msg right while we were having lunch and you were sitting across, facing me. The one day that you made lunch for me. The time when you called right away, becuase I wasn't feeling well at work. After I had my wisdom teeth taken out, when you were concerned. The times when we'd text each other 1 am in the morning.

I remember it all.

I used to wonder how it's gonna be, when you didn't know me anymore.

How I reminise.

nobody

Must I over exert myself to the brink of exhaustion to get some sleep anymore?

Where my heart used to be, it is now empty. I don't feel numb from the pain; rather it intensifies as every second passes by. It keeps gaining a hold of me, until I can barely function anymore.

It hurts, and it hurts from the inside out like no other. I've had fractures, hyper-extensions, amongst other injuries, but this is different. The pain just doesn't go away. It keeps getting worse everyday that passes by. I wish, I could put away my heart so it'd never get broken.

Where did I go wrong.. how did I end up here?

I thought I had figured it out, how I'd go about it, and worked towards it without any hesitation. But somehow..

I really want to give up, on everything. It's more than I can bare...... everytime I lie awake, every silent scream I make. I want to let it go, just let everything go. I don't know what to do anymore. Don't want to do anything anymore. I don't have the courage to carry on. Take it all away, please.

The body is weak, my heart is empty, and the mind is gone.

But if it wasn't for your misfortune, I'd be a heavenly person today.

new order - blue monday

Sometimes

Last night, I pondered about her looking at the moon in the velvet night sky.

Tonight, I couldn't find the moon.




4:38 am..

Woke up, wide awake. I checked the time as usual, not feeling the least bit surprised.

I feel as if all things are standing still, frozen in time. The whole world has moved on without me. I struggle, desperately wanting to catch up.

But it's no use.
I try to grasp on to something; anything that I am able, wishing that I'd overcome this adversity. But all I've gotten hold of are tiny fragments of happiness. Incomplete, bringing me that glimer of hope and joy at the onset, but in the end always leaving me with countless wounds that never heal. There's no scar tissue, it just keeps bleeding, on and on. A steady stream; not knowing if it'd ever end.




At the tender age of 23, when one feels older than his time; inexplicable.

Night Sky

Night sky, a light.

I looked at the moon. I breathed. I thought of her.

I wondered, just then, somewhere out there, if she might have been looking up, seeing the same moon that I did.

Then I realized, we live in parallel realities, and that she'd never see my moon.




5 am.

How many more times am I going to wake up from my sleep drained; how many more times am I gonna wake up and wish that my life was just a dream?

Somewhere out there

I don't know what to do, where to go.

Still feeling the need to get away; or should I say it was always there, but has gotten immensely stronger. Not a busy vacation, with lots to do, events to go to. I need a relaxed place... away from everybody that's currently in my life right now. No one to worry about, nothing to worry about. Somewhere that I can just simply stay for a little while....

But it's so hard, even to find such a place.

If there's the place, who is there for me to run to?

And when there's someone, do they have the time for me?

A break, literally, a clean break from life. I really wish it'd end.. without hurting my family. If it was possible, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Dreams.

Dreams so vivid, so life like, so pain-stakingly real. It's frightening. I woke up not realizing what had been in my mind, was simply a dream. But it felt so real....... and it was just like reality.

The heart can only take so much. After awhile, it just won't take it anymore. People say that you grow numb to the pain.. I disagree. The pain only resonates and magnifies through time. So agonizing.. excruciating.

Take me, take me away.

Please.