Happy '08

To all. No matter where or who, may all your wishes and dreams come true.

Who Cares?

"It's deep how you can be so shallow
And I'm afraid 'cause I have no fear
And I didn't believe in magic
Until I watched you disappear
I wish you were here
And I can go on and on and on... but who cares?"

- gnarls barkley

No longer here.
Away and away.
Forever, ever.
Precious time used and spent,
Not wasted, but always fruitless.
I let go, to move on and on.
Years pass, it turns out I have always waited.

No Christmas

There was no Christmas card from her this year.

No text message, nothing.
Nothing, like I am hugging and holding a lump of hurt.
Griping on to it so ever tightly, as if life wouldn't go on without it.
But it does. I comprehend it in my head.
But not willing, not able to execute.

Days, months, years.

It does not feel like time flew by.
Everyday was a world of hurt.
It feels timeless, it feels like being enveloped, suffocating.
And it still is.

Merry Christmas

"I'm missing little things
I miss everything, about you"

"Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go"

Bloc Party - Sunday

Heavy night, it was a heavy night
Feels like we've come back from the dead
Heavy night, it was a heavy night
I cannot remember what I said - to anyone
If we get up now we can catch the afternoon
Watch the under 15's playing football in the park
Let's sleep in St. Leonard's on this alcoholic day
We're doing the best with what we've got

I'll love you in the morning, when you're still hungover
I'll love you in the morning, when you're still strung out
I'll love you in the morning...

I work hard all week and so do you
We deserve to let off some steam
Less orthodox creeping
We need to rage through this life
There might be ones who are smarter than you
That have the right answers, that wear better shoes
Forget about those melting ice caps
We're doing the best with what we've got

I'll love you in the morning, when you're still hungover
I'll love you in the morning, when you're still strung out
I'll love you in the morning...

When I'm with you, I am calm
A pearl in your oyster
Head on my chest, a silent smile
A private kind of happiness
You see giant proclamations are all very well
But our love is louder than words

When it pours..

Shit comes in heaps and tons.

Meter parking, in front of the eatery.
10 minutes, walked down the street to pick up a magazine.
No more Vice left, so I head back.
And my car had been towed.

"It doesn't rain, it pours."

Why

I have a million questions, and not a single answer.

There is only one thing I truly desire, and it just happens to be the one thing neither money could buy or hardwork would matter.

What do I do? I need a direction. I have been wandering in circles. Walked a far way, but back at the starting point. Time is passing by but it feels like I'm heading backwards.

Does this happen to everyone who don't believe in faith? I never really believed in God. I believed in myself. I have overcame things.. insignificant but which I am proud of. Separated from my parents at the age of 10, moving to a new Country with a language that I barely spoke. Being independent, taking care of myself, the house, my academic, my financial obligations, my everything.

But now it seems like all was in vain. I can't get past this glass ceiling now. It just won't shatter. She(s) got me by the throat, and won't let go.

Give

What should we all be doing to help the less fortunate?

Give a lot, when wealthy?
Give some, instead of spending on excess?
Give anyways, when you're tight on the ropes to meet ends?
Give, till we have the bare minimum? What "is" the minimum?

Questions we all ask and strive to answer. Some turn to God, others go by what their heart feels. Still some turn to philosophical reasoning. What would be right, and what would be wrong? I wonder if we'll ever know. But it really doesn't matter, does it? As long as we do as our heart says and go by how we feel.

I hope everyone out there has some sort of a heart.

5 39 AM

"Cause there's a lot of shit I keep bottled that hurts deep inside of my soul. And just know that I grow colder the older I grow."

Songs, different songs. Tears that dried started flowing again.

All that my life has got:

Flashes of brilliance.

Only flashes.

Goodbye

Thank you for everything Melissa.


For showing me some love.
For showing me what life could be like.
For showing me the world.

You will be dearly missed.

People say this all the time, but I really mean it... it's gonna be different when you're not around. It's not going to be the same.
You can never be replaced.

The Last Lunch

It didn't happen that time over 8 months ago. I was the one leaving.
It isn't happening today neither. She is the one leaving.

The irony lies in where I was going to that time, is where she is heading.
It is a different her. Not quite the same magnitude of hurt; I'm only beginning to like her.

Yet.

"I'm going home to eat."

Too much to ask. Maybe it is just too much to ask for a lowly person like myself.

After the fact

After the fact,
you realize you were merely the third-string quarterback
who wasn't good enough to be even the back-up.

"It should be painfully clear that your feelings arent reciprocated. You will never have what you want with her. I guarantee it."
- Veronica

What it's like.

Now I experience what it's like to have someone leave me.
Leaving to go home.
Leaving for work up north.
Leaving for a new life in another continent.

Leaving, me.

Not a single one goes down easy. Not a single one, goes down.

I reason and I plead. I can beg, I can cry,
I can scream in the middle of the night.
And it doesn't change a thing.

Unease

So...........
It's gonna be like the old times again. The old times, the static, never-changing life that I lived.
Imy's going back to Aus soon, just as we started hanging out.
Melissa's moving to Aus for a year, just as we're getting along so well.
Sadat's moving up to Fort Mac., there goes my best buddy away for 3 years.

Goodbyes are still so hard to say.
I'll miss all three of them. Sometimes I wish times would stay still, but that never seems to happen when things are good.

Losing

We've all lost something before.
Jackets, cell phones, cameras, wallets, purses. Cars and keys.

Innocence. Love. Loved ones. Moments. Time. Priceless.

It was all my fault
dignity and pride
More important than everything else money can buy.

Here I sit.

Two hours and thirteen minutes until time stands still again,
when my anticipation and unease dissipates..
when my adrenaline subsides.
When it'll all just be the same again,

Again.
No miracles to this day, no easy to this day.
Merely another year closer to the end.

More than three years
since I last tasted those mango cheesecakes.

Eight months since we have shared ourselves.

"Words cannot explain.."

I think
that is from her, to me.


Or am I just thinking too much, trying too hard to find evidence.
Evidence that she remembers.

Some things I'd like to put away,
away into that darkest corner.
That dusty closet which never opens.
I want to forget, but I'm afraid to lose. To lose.

What is there to lose?
Those memories
precisely those that I try, to forget.
Sadness, intertwined with her. Bittersweet.

More bitter than sweet.

I am tired.

Friends

I am glad she didn't take it to heart.

Asshole

"How was your thing?"

I said. How could I be such an asshole. So insensitive, so retarded, so stupid. Of all things, I asked her that. After a funeral. I cannot believe I did such a thing. No matter how much I apologize and regret, the harm is done. I didn't mean to hurt her, at all. I'd rather die than to know that I've hurt others so deeply in such delicate spots.

Why do I never think, why. Why am I so selfish, and weak?

Maybe I do deserve all this shit that I go through. All this suffering, because intentionally or not, I'm doing the same to other people.

Turn back time.

I never pray.
But if there was a God,
grant me the wisdom to never hurt another again.

Peanuts

"My gramma says that we live in a veil of tears."
".. sorrow, sadness and despair, grief, agony and woe."
"to be in love with two different snowflakes
at the same time?"

"He's bitter about the little red-haired girl
who didn't marry him."

"In Schultz's world,
all love was unrequited, or worse,
met with cold indifference."

MACLEANS, OCT 2007


"Sex, like recreational drugs, acts as a temporary flight from reality."

Lies, Places, Events

So it's all set. The coming 4 weeks.

Weds Oct 17: Ming - Sean's birthday
Fri Oct 15: Snatch - Jenn's birthday
Sat Oct 27: Halloween Pubcrawl
Sat Nov 3: Halloween Party - Sadat's house
Sat Nov 10: Sadat & Imy's farewell

Yet. Can't seem to get excited. Not that I'm not looking forward to them, but feeling as if it wouldn't matter if I will be there or not. The show will still go on; to everyone it wouldn't be any different.

halloween

Halloween. It's that time again.

Time flies!

Now at a different company. No longer selling grocery, but building a shopping centre.

Luckily I still speak to the same friends. Friends from long ago (for me 8 years is a long time). From junior high, high school, university, and even now.

How things have changed, and how things have stayed the same.

I'd like to think that I am one year wiser than last.

untitled.

I wish I might, I wish I might.
Some things never change.
I pretended I'm glad you went away. These four walls closing more everyday.
And I'm dying inside, and nobody knows it but me.

Like a clown I put on a show. The pain is real even if nobody knows.
And I'm crying inside, and nobody knows it but me.

Why didn't I say, the things I needed to say.
How could I let my angel get away. Now my world is just tumbling down.
I can say it so clearly, but you're nowhere around.

I carry a smile. when I'm broken in two.
And I'm nobody without someone like you. I'm trembling inside.
And nobody knows it but me.

I lie awake, it's a quarter past three. I'm screaming at night.
As if you'd hear me. Yea my heart is calling you.
And nobody knows it but me.

How blue can I get, you could ask my heart. But like a jigsaw puzzle.
It's been torn all apart.
A million words couldn't say, just how I feel. A million years from now you'll know.
I'll be loving you still.

-Nobody knows it but me

There is just nothing.

Nothing, meaningful ever lasts.

Time is merciless.

Cold-hearted. No, heartless.

Imagine

Why do we always take things as granted? Why do we never treasure them as they are, until it's too late? Even as I'm typing this, thinking this, I'm being a hypocrite. I love my family; yet I don't always treat them as best I could. I love my friends; yet I rarely reach out and most times I allow myself to only see their flaws. There used to be a time when I wasn't like this, at least not so much so. There was a time when I once cared more, felt more, believed more. A time once when I looked to each day with dreary sleepy eyes, yet with hope and desire. It wasn't so long ago. Growing up... how tough I feel it is. No longer a boy, now a man. An adult, not youth. Things are different. Things are difficult. Things can be so unbearable. The emptiness and the inner pain so beyond my imagination.

There was once a time when I wasn't preoccupied with her, or the one before her.. or any of the hers. When I could focus, when I could live. When my mind would be free from its chains and I would soar in my mind, imagine new heights that that I could reach one day, given the time, hardwork, and energy.

Imagine.

"You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one"
- John Lennon

A Night

Best friend's birthday gathering.

2-doubles of Johny Walker Green Label.
A pair of leather shoes.
No line up in to the club.
Heinekens from the beer tub girl.
No idea how many double JD shots.
Lots of walking around and slight grinding with girls.

Fazed out.
Brought out of the bar by my friends, to the parkade, to home.
Stained jeans, ruined leathers, numerous cuts and bruises from falling on asphalt.
A hundred dollars gone byebye.

A good sleep until 4 in the afternoon.

Sleepless? Me too.

Do you lay awake in the middle of the night often?

Not any special day, just a regular night. Just another night.

There's something beautiful about this time. Something magical, that can't be described. I look up the sky (actually right now it's more like outside my window), and realize how insignificant I am. We all are. It gives everything a different perspective. It's as if time has frozen, as everything is at a stand still. The public transit has stopped running. The roads are empty. Houses and buildings have their lights off. It's dark outside. Dark, but not pitch black. Never pitch black.

Sick.

Girl Power Gone Wild

As much as I love scantily clothed women as every other men, this phenomenon sickens me.

Looking around, wondering to myself.

My boss's been on vacation a lot the last month or two. In other words although there's work left for me to follow up on, there's no one on my ass all the time to get on them right away. I spend a lot of time thinking, looking out my cubicle window down on to my car.. parked in the gravel back parking lot.

Why am I working? What I am doing here?

I'm not happy at work. The atmosphere is fucked up. It seems like a child's playground. Sometimes, so unprofessional it sickens me. Other times, it's how a commercial real estate firm should be. The work that I'm doing, I can't complain. The marketing side of it, doing a lot of research, brochures, graphic design/editing/layout, and most of all some creative writing... this is actually something I like doing.

But I'm not happy. It still feels empty. There's a void in the middle of me, that can't seem to be filled. Food doesn't do it, money doesn't do it, buying shits doesn't seem to do it.

I need love.

Love Like a Bomb

- Oasis

A whole other world in my mind. In your mind.
She's blowing my mind, taken my mind.

Some things

Some things, are just not meant to be?

Is that what we like to think when things aren't well, just to let ourselves feel a little better?

It didn't work out, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Or was it really, it didn't work out, because we could've done otherwise... yet, as one of us took a step forward, the other would take two steps back.

Some things. I just don't understand.

Some things, I wish I didn't have to understand.
I don't believe, that anybody feels the way I do, about you now.

oasis

so what, right.
sometimes, i feel too much. feeling like I never should.

Walk on by

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. And I miss you.

Last year, Calgary Stampede, we met. This year.........................................................................
Maybe you've found me before I could find you, and you just walked straight on by.

innocence

It seems she actually broke up with her bf, after all this time. It seems, because I don't know for sure, because she isn't returning anything I send her. I should be happy, shouldn't I? What I've dreamed for all these months, finally happened. Even tho the circumstances aren't what they used to be.............. I'm out of her picture now. But from what she's writing, she doesn't seem well. She doesn't seem ok. I think she is.............. just like that time when she barely ate anything for days, when I had to buy lunch for her otherwise she wouldn't even eat. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I just wish that she'd just tell me that she's ok.

I still wish her well.

after all

As I am sitting here still pondering about her, she's out there somewhere pondering about him.

I ruined it for all three of us.

Maybe after all, I really deserve this intolerable punishment that I go by day after day.

Untitled

I still, miss you. Let there be light.?
Today, car accident. Tomorrow, what?

It's just fucking beautiful.

Maybe Tomorrow, I'll find my way home

I miss her. Lost without her. I miss everything.

I miss the world.

I've been down and I'm wondering why
These little black clouds keep on walking around with me, with me

It wastes time and I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside and buy a rainbow smile
But be free, they're all free.

Do you hear the birds chirping too?

Days really are long.

The nights really really are sad.

OH MY GOD

I woke up tonight. In the middle of the night.

This is the first time since I've been back from Australia. It feels just like before, when it happened. I don't want things to be like that again.

There was a helicoptor circling outside near by.. as I hope it was merely that which caused this.

Because otherwise, shit. A million times.

untitled

A month is all it took for life to bring me down to my knees once again.

When I am needing you most.. where are you?

I miss you and I love you.
How did it end up this way?
Dd you still think about me?
Or have you already forgotten?
Would you still cry, for me?

It's her Birthday.

I sent her a text message on the cell phone, Happy birthday.

She sent me back, Thank you.

Why does it feel so empty?

Why.

Almost

a month.

"To the world you are just somebody, but to somebody you are the world."

Tell me, to whom am I the world?

I've looked and looked, but it looks like in my case there was never an answer to begin with.


Wake up in the morning.

Another day, another night... another Friday, another long weekend.

It's as if things have gone back to like before. Only without her.

That depression is creeping on me again. But I'm holding it back.. just picturing standing on the beach looking out to the ocean, keeps me sane.

Guy is Being Played

Was just reading over what Veronica wrote for me, almost a month back now.

http://hubpages.com/hub/Girl_is_a_Game_Player

Vinny, guy is to let go of this one. Walk away. Delete her. From your email, cell phone, calendar, heart, and life.

Once again, what I've got to do, laid out in front of my eyes.

Yet.

Why.......?

She called.

I wonder if it is because she saw me last night, without me realizing it. I wonder if it is just because it is May, and that's when she said we'd meet up. I wonder if.. maybe she just missed me. Or maybe she just felt obligated to call because otherwise she'd feel guilty.

It was short. When will we meet? Maybe next week, she says. I said sure.

She's stringing me, stringin' me good. But I can't run, and I'm not willing to hide. I give myself, until the end of this month. Either we meet up and I give her the things, or I put them away.. out of sight, out of mind.

It's painful.

I saw.

As I was driving out of the parking lot, I saw.

A blue Toyota Rav-4, blue in color. With a "thing" dangling from the rear view mirror.

It was parked at the place that I had just walked out of.

I think, it was her.

Or maybe I'm just hallucinating.

Go on..

Sorta.

Sorta back to good.

I've finally begun the healing process.. actually it began back in Aus. But I think I've gone on to the next step now. Beginning to feel.. how she hasn't been around for so long now, remembering bits and pieces of how my life was before her.

Needing, to keep that composure.

Needs

Needing that job.

Needing to keep my composure.

Needing to continue the relaxed mood.

Needing.. to keep breathing.

She calls.

And so she calls.

I thought that was it. But she actually called five days later. She once again tells me she's taken. And she says she's moving next week, so we'll meet in May.

Why the excuses? We all make time, we all know how it is.

If you're not going to, at least give me a chance to end this.

It seems.

It seems she has finally chosen.

I will abide by her choice.

Things are over.

Are they really?..

Home

Dangling, still dangling.

Let's have it over with, soon.

Still Away

It's been almost a month, my trip in Aus is almost over.

With brief stops in LA, Sydney, then actual stays at Melbourne, Perth, and now Melbourne again. It's better than back home. I am able to sleep without sleep aids. But something is still on my mind.

She called me, hours before I got on the plane in Calgary. She cried, and she said all these things.

She missed me.
She didn't want to believe that I was really leaving.
She didn't say bye to me on my last day; because she couldn't bring herself to.
Saturday morning, two days after I quit; she went to my seat and sat down, and thought about how my days were like.
She said she was sorry for hurting me.

I asked her, if she ever did think anything of "us"; and she answered "I don't want to answer because I don't want to make things difficult."

She tells me, to forget about her, to not think of her anymore.
She asked, isn't that the purpose of my trip?

It was. If she never would've called me that nite at 3 am, without knowing my flight was at 6:30 am. I was prepared to leave everything behind. I had the will then.

But now. Every stop I've made, every single place that I've been to, I thought of her, and I picked up something for her. For what reason, there really isn't any specific ones. I simply, naturally, thought of her, saw things that she would like.. and I would pick them up without caring the costs. I've ended up with so many things intended for her as souvenirs, that I'm not sure what to do anymore. Am I to give her all of them? A box full practically?

Home in about a week.
I will ask her to come out, give her the things. I will give her a CD with all my pictures from here, with the beautiful scenary.

That'll be the end.

I will look for a new job, I will not call her again. I will just wish her well on her birthday and holidays. I think that is best, for the both of us.

I can't take it anymore, and I really just want her to be happy. If she thinks that there's no future for "us", that I'm not good enough. I will bite my lips and walk away, for her.

The locked door without a key hole

It is like the moon has disappeared, it is like the sky has fallen.

I gave my two weeks notice at work, and I haven't even told her yet.

I bought my flight tickets, now without hesitation.

Out of sight, out of mind. Not?

She says her heart is sour. She has locked mine away, without a key.

The end.

She told me what it was that happened, what made her that way. The whole deal, everything.

I can't handle the truth.

She's broken my heart fifteen times over.

One day some girls gonna break your heart
And ooh aint no pain like from the opposite sex

will smith - just the two of us

I cannot, believe, she'd do this to me. Never in my wildest dreams.......................exceeding all that I had prepared to myself for, exceeding my fucking worst expectations.

Humanity is so fucking ugly, so fucking disgusting. How can one do this to one another, how can you have the fucking heart to do this?? I could not bring myself to do this, no matter how much I crave that affection, no matter how fucking much I am disappointed in you.

I am fucking through, fucking through with not just you, with fucking every fucking thing in this whole fucking world. FUck every thing, fuck.


The end.

3:03 am

case, missing you

Driving 'round thought I saw you pass me
My rearview mirror's playing tricks on me
Cause you fade away
Maybe I'm just hallucinating
Cause my loneliness got the best of me
And my heart's so weak

Her

She seems better now. She is still barely eating. She still hasn't told me what made her this way. Whenever I inquire, she says that it "brings tears to my eyes," but only when I ask her, no one else. She seems to want to talk to me, she messaged me on msn for the first time in months tonight. She even called me at work when she was leaving tonight. That hasn't happened for many months.

But through it all, I know that she thinks of me as nothing more than a friend.

So I'm trying to distance myself.

I guess, as long as she's happy. That's all that matters, right?..

Fool

Today, she told me that I "brought tears to her eyes," and "Thank you for all you have done for me."

In the end, after I thought I could leave it behind, and not care so much about her.. I end up going out of my way to do everything for her. I'm not disappointed in myself, I just feel hopelessness.

It's clear no matter what I do, nothing will come out of this. Yet I just can't let her go. At her slightest sign of toubled moment, I instinctively do whatever she needs to recover.

I saw the article heading, and it strikes me even more so.

Loneliness link with Alzheimer's

Reflection

I just received a call from an old friend that I still hang out with regularly. He heard news of one of our junior high buddies from way back, to have come back to the city. Over the years, he has become an archeologist graduating from U of L, gotten married.. divorced, and now, in Calgary again. My buddy then reflected, during the same timespan, he's graduated from college, and now just working. Then there's the occasional outings at the lounge/bar getting drunk with myself, and our buddy Martin, blabbing about our lack of luck with the ladies these days. What have we been doing all these years? He sighed.

The conversation put a slightly different perspective on to me. Like he said, what have I been doing all these years? Even more so, not what I have tried to do, but what have I actually accomplished through the years?

Wasting away, just wasting away.

dreams, dreams, dreams

Yesterday, Michelle asked me why I am having troubles sleeping. She asked if it's because I wake up from dreams, certain things, etc. I replied saying I just dream about everyday things, work, friends, family, life in general.

I realize I lied, not-purposely. I woke up tonight, dreaming about her. It's always, been about her.

I remember

I remember. When we walked right by each other, the first time we locked eyes, before we met each other. I remember, when we were introduced. I remember when we were together, in the wee hours of the night. I remember, when we watched the fireworks. All the times where I'd be waiting at the U of C, to pick you up from work at night. I wish that I didn't have to remember, the last time I drove you home.

Two years later, she came walking into my life. I remember, when we locked eyes, when we said hi. You initiated, and I was surprised. I remember the Tims runs, the MacDonalds, the congee days, Tony Roma's, Sunridge mall, Infusion, the pho. I remember my birthday, when you sent me a text msg right while we were having lunch and you were sitting across, facing me. The one day that you made lunch for me. The time when you called right away, becuase I wasn't feeling well at work. After I had my wisdom teeth taken out, when you were concerned. The times when we'd text each other 1 am in the morning.

I remember it all.

I used to wonder how it's gonna be, when you didn't know me anymore.

How I reminise.

nobody

Must I over exert myself to the brink of exhaustion to get some sleep anymore?

Where my heart used to be, it is now empty. I don't feel numb from the pain; rather it intensifies as every second passes by. It keeps gaining a hold of me, until I can barely function anymore.

It hurts, and it hurts from the inside out like no other. I've had fractures, hyper-extensions, amongst other injuries, but this is different. The pain just doesn't go away. It keeps getting worse everyday that passes by. I wish, I could put away my heart so it'd never get broken.

Where did I go wrong.. how did I end up here?

I thought I had figured it out, how I'd go about it, and worked towards it without any hesitation. But somehow..

I really want to give up, on everything. It's more than I can bare...... everytime I lie awake, every silent scream I make. I want to let it go, just let everything go. I don't know what to do anymore. Don't want to do anything anymore. I don't have the courage to carry on. Take it all away, please.

The body is weak, my heart is empty, and the mind is gone.

But if it wasn't for your misfortune, I'd be a heavenly person today.

new order - blue monday

Sometimes

Last night, I pondered about her looking at the moon in the velvet night sky.

Tonight, I couldn't find the moon.




4:38 am..

Woke up, wide awake. I checked the time as usual, not feeling the least bit surprised.

I feel as if all things are standing still, frozen in time. The whole world has moved on without me. I struggle, desperately wanting to catch up.

But it's no use.
I try to grasp on to something; anything that I am able, wishing that I'd overcome this adversity. But all I've gotten hold of are tiny fragments of happiness. Incomplete, bringing me that glimer of hope and joy at the onset, but in the end always leaving me with countless wounds that never heal. There's no scar tissue, it just keeps bleeding, on and on. A steady stream; not knowing if it'd ever end.




At the tender age of 23, when one feels older than his time; inexplicable.

Night Sky

Night sky, a light.

I looked at the moon. I breathed. I thought of her.

I wondered, just then, somewhere out there, if she might have been looking up, seeing the same moon that I did.

Then I realized, we live in parallel realities, and that she'd never see my moon.




5 am.

How many more times am I going to wake up from my sleep drained; how many more times am I gonna wake up and wish that my life was just a dream?

Somewhere out there

I don't know what to do, where to go.

Still feeling the need to get away; or should I say it was always there, but has gotten immensely stronger. Not a busy vacation, with lots to do, events to go to. I need a relaxed place... away from everybody that's currently in my life right now. No one to worry about, nothing to worry about. Somewhere that I can just simply stay for a little while....

But it's so hard, even to find such a place.

If there's the place, who is there for me to run to?

And when there's someone, do they have the time for me?

A break, literally, a clean break from life. I really wish it'd end.. without hurting my family. If it was possible, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Dreams.

Dreams so vivid, so life like, so pain-stakingly real. It's frightening. I woke up not realizing what had been in my mind, was simply a dream. But it felt so real....... and it was just like reality.

The heart can only take so much. After awhile, it just won't take it anymore. People say that you grow numb to the pain.. I disagree. The pain only resonates and magnifies through time. So agonizing.. excruciating.

Take me, take me away.

Please.