Living to die; dying to live.

The more I think about it, the more cruel it is.

Snow, snow, snow

All that snow, the howling wind, and the frigid temperature.. It was a nightmare on the roads today. It took me an hour to get home from work, instead of the usual 15 minutes.

The weather, ironically is just like my mood; unpredictable and ever-changing at every moment.

Right now, it's freezing.

In retrospect.

So I took the gamble; contrary to what everyone else what saying.

I did not think that she'd be the one I would forever be in love with; I just knew that at that moment, I wanted to be with her more than anything else in this entire world. I didn't want to have to regret, if I never even tried. Those dark nights that haunt me.. as I reminise about what could have been.

And so I gambled; with the odds completely against myself.

Now, I pay dearly with having my heart shattered and stepped on.

How's it gonna be..

She now hates me, and wants nothing to do with me. I have no idea what I said that could've upset her so much.

I thought I did this, so that I could move on.

But I still feel troubled by her mere presense, and coldness towards me.

third eye blind - how's it gonna be

Hows it going to be
When your not around
Hows it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be.
Hows it going to be
When you don't know me any more
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivian
Wanna taste the soul of your skin
The soft dive of oblivian
How's it going to be

The Day

I've brought it out in the open, between me and her.

She says that she doesn't like me one bit at all more than a friend. She never answered if she ever did.

But it doesn't matter anymore, that was what I needed to hear from her, to move on. I no longer hold any hopes of getting together with her.

Now what's next?..

The Day After

Today was a good day. Went down to 17th and chilled. Within an hour's notice, I became an extra in a hip hop music video. Looking forward to seeing it on MuchMusic.

But deep down, I feel like shit.

Broken Bones

Today was snowboarding day. Lake Louise, Banff, Alberta. It feels like every bone in my body has been broken; sprained thumb on the writing hand.

Now my body is as beat down as my heart.


She's weak at the moment. Too many things going on, too many things happening to her simultaneously. I innitially wanted to put some distance between us; be cold towards her, and see how she'd response. But now, upon hearing the news, I just want to be her strength. I don't want to see her frown, stressed, overworked, overwhelmed. Regardless of what was said between us, what I was going to do.. I just want to see her well.

If she's willing, I'd be her piller of strength in this whole wide world. The one unchanging thing that she could rely upon. But I don't think she's giving me that opportunity.

Only if.

Back to... Good.. ?

The weather is starting to get cold. Strangely I like this weather, when I am forced to wear a jacket. That thick, heavy sensation soothes me. It gives me a sense of security in this world of despair.

Sometimes I hope tomorrow never comes.

Darkest Hour

I had four wisdom teeth removed last thurs.. I'm still feeling the effects today. Maybe tomorrow, I can start eating regular food again.

At my darkest hour, who is here for me?

No one.

Something so deep rooted within my heart that it makes my will to live waver.

Movin' on

It's quieted down.. we don't act like a couple anymore. Just regular coworkers..... I miss her, and she knows.. and vice versa. But it's done with.

I still wish her well....... I'll be there for her, for the darkest hours.


From extreme high, to never ending low.

It's been a wierd couple of days.............