from the inside, linkin park

Trying not to break
But I’m so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how, trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me

I've left pieces of my heart here, there, and everywhere... and now I really don't have any left to go on anymore.
I finally told her, straight up. About how I feel, about what's been bothering me, about what I think of us. And she said, that we're just friends.

Just like that, it's all over.

Haven't been hit this hard since Sharon, two years ago. Last time, it was almost self inflicted. This time, I decided to take the chance. With my luck, I should've known.

Ouch, a million times over, and now I'm just numb.

oblivion

Done, and done. Full body, excruciating pain. I ran and ran, and ran some more. I usually run three laps, once when I first get to the gym, once at the end. Today, I just kept running. I didn't stop. I thought about her on my mind, and I wanted to keep running to get her off my mind.

At the end, I felt intense chest pain and I was forced to stop. I took deep breaths, slowly walked the rest of the way.. the chest pain was easing, but not my mind.

And how's it going to be
when you don't know me anymore?
And how's it going to be?

I wanna get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion…
I wanna taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion…oblivion
How's it going to be
when you don't know me any more?
How's it going to be?
How's it going to be?
third eye blind - how's it gonna be

And at 4 am, who's gonna be there for me? It's been nobody.

Lost my phone, lost my mind

A weekend of drunkeness. It helped to get my mind off things. But now after the hangovers and sobering up, I'm back where I last left it.

Lost my cell phone somewhere during the bar hopping night. Not a great loss, I thought. Until I thought of the messages, from her. Irreplacable, still.. after all this time.

Back to the daily grind, back to the work days where I pray for the weekend to come quicker. Then it's back to the weekend where I wish Monday'd come faster so that I can see her at work again.

She is right, I don't make any sense.

dreams and reality

It was always a no-win situation, even before I got engaged in it.

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I feel the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

Robbie Williams, Better Man
October is coming soon. A very sad time for myself.
I was wrong yesterday... things are not back to normal today. I think.. she's trying to put some distance between us again. Not I think, I know she is.

This could be it, dead end for the journey.

So disturbed, I cannot put it in words. Choosing to let it out through abusing my own body, because that's the only way I know. I almost threw up from working out today. I thought that if I'd just keep at it, I'd stop thinking of her.

It doesn't work, and the pain just won't go away.

Every new day is a test for me,
So I just pray the Lord for Him to bless me, please.
There's struggles I'm goin' through lately,
Breaks me down, set me free.
Let me be. Let me be.
Who else do I have to rely on?

- bonethugz n harmony, breakdown

bleak..

Driving 'round thought I saw you pass me
My rearview mirror's playing tricks on me
Cause you fade away
Maybe I'm just hallucinating
Cause my loneliness got the best of me
And my heart's so weak

case - missng you


Not a word from her all weekend. I thought Friday she said she'd call me back? So I ended up sending her a txt instead... and still no reply.

I've given up waiting for her call.

It seems to turn out this way every weekend, she goes back to "her own life".. with her friends, family, and bf. I am only there to entertain her during the week, while she's at work.

I suppose everything will be as normal tomorrow, Monday. She probably wouldn't even mention about the weekend. And if she does, she'll just say she forgot or she was busy. But then I think of when she made me lunch, of the little things..... and I guess that's why I'm putting up with all these.

So it was my last appointment at the U of C on Friday, I'd have to look for a new doctor soon. Before my medication runs out, although I do have roughly a year's supply.

Life is bleak.

dream

Only, if my dream could come true.

It felt so vivid...... I wish I could've kept it going forever and ever.

But reality's so sad.

back to earth

What goes up, must come down.

Can't believe I forgot about that. 2 days later, it's like the magic has disappeared. I try to relive the moment, but it seems so distant, so unreachable. She's gone cold towards me again.

I must be the replacement for her bf, when she feels like it.

heaven on earth

She made me lunch today.

It was so surprising..... even tho we couldn't eat together, it made my day.

I felt like I was the luckiest man alive. A taste of heaven.

Don't want to think about what'll become of us.... at this moment, right now, I'm happy.

..... 12 hours later now, and I still feel like I'm floatin'.. it's amazing how the smallest things from her mean so much more to me than everything else in this world.

matchbox20, push

And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
Cuz it's a little bit dirty well

Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you
You don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all

krazy

Feels like I'm running empty.
Time goes by, puffin on lye
Hopin that it gets me high
Got a nigga goin cra-zy
Oh yeah, I feel cra-zy
tupac - krazy

nothing.

It feels like I've got nothing left anymore.

Viv... I'm still willing to do whatever I can for her, heck, I'm going to call up auto glass places to see where's the best place for her to replace her windshield. Hoping.. that she'd be touched. But of cause, that'll never happen. What are the friggin odds........

Sharon......... still not a word. The silence is hard to take.

Jenn....... I'm glad that she seems very happy. Happy for her.....

CL... her bday coming up. I wish I could tell her happy birthday, in person, or at least on the phone. But over msn is the best I could do, she wouldn't even give me her cell number. I must've been a terrible person back then..

Mary.. she actually understands me. But... she's not helping. I guess she's got her shits to do, her own relationship, her own shits to deal with. I should understand. But still, right now, I need her by my side more than ever. I guess she doesn't understand that.....

"It wastes time, and I'd rather be high" - stereophonics, maybe tomorrow
I can't help but keep smoking now. I've been smoking cigarettes...... but I know I should stop. Don't need another addiction. At this point in time however, it's my last resort.

Don't even have anyone to drink with anymore.

Today

It's as if we never had that conversation yesterday.. we were just like before at work today. She didn't want to bring it up it seems... apparently I missed a call from her last night, so I asked her what she called for today.. and she said nothing, just to see how I was. I think she was lying.. she wanted to continue the conversation from work, to get an answer out of me. But today, it's like we both have put that behind us, hidden.

I am planning to hang out with her at Marketmall tonight, in about an hour, for an hour. Just an hour, out of her busy schedule.... I can't believe how tough it was just to have her company for even an hour tonight.

Let's see how it goes..............



AHAHAHA - so she did call, and we met at Marketmall. I think I got there just around 8:00 pm.. she had to leave for dinner with "her sister's friends" by 8:45 pm. Because of the stupid deerfoot accident, Mcknight was backed the fuck up... I even sped from home, to meet her at Marketmall. I kept telling myself the whole time, DO NOT SPEED SO MUCH, because I saw cop cars along the way. But I couldn't help it, I knew I didn't have much time with her.... and I was right. It was..... a very plain outing. I tried asking her to come out for a drink after she's done dinner, but she already made plans with others to go for a drink.. ahahh. Pathetic.

I don't know, if she knows, how I feel about her.

Everytime she mentions her bf, I die a little more inside.

Speechless

She asked, "How come I am so important to you and how come you care about me so much?"

The answer is so simple, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

I don't know if she already knows now.. but if I say it out, we can't be like how we are now in the future. She'd have to make a decision, to be with me, or cut me out of her life to be with her bf.

The stakes are so high, I don't even want to risk losing what we have right now. I'd tell others to just tell her, it's worth a shot. But now that I'm going through it... even tho I still think the same way, I just can't bring myself to tell her myself.

If only, I could know what she thinks of me right now. If she thinks of me as just a friend, it's better that I don't answer her. If she feels maybe the same way...

Maybe tomorrow.

Repeat.

Everytime she mentions her bf, I die a little bit more inside.

Sometimes I wonder if I mean anything to her more than a friend, or if I ever did.

The ridiculous part is I am not sure if I want to know the truth myself.

untitled.

My cousin and his baby gurl who came to visit from TO left yesterday. It makes me sad... she's just turned 3. I love her more than anything else in this world. If they lived in Calgary, it'd be so nice.

Thurs, bowling. Fri, work out, weed. Sat, mah jong. Sun, going to the airport for the baby gurl leaving. Today, I am doing nothing. It feels like it's been a hectic couple days, even tho it was really nothing. My arms are still very stiff and sore from working out, ridiculous. Over did it on my first session in over a year.. and not to mention how out of shape I am.

That serenity is gone. I think of Viv, and I think of Sharon. So alike, both so unatainable. Both so cute, and adorable. Both giving me the joy of my life, and also the agonizing painful headaches.

Everytime she mentions her bf, I die a little bit more inside.

Serenity?..

A fleeing feeling of serenity.. as if I could back into that depression at anytime. Things are still wierd, me and her, and her bf.

We might even be going shopping and dinner next week, if I'm lucky. A girl friend of mine gave me the following advise: She's keeping me close because she likes the attention, since her bf is away and she's lonely. Even tho she told me that we're just friends, it's obviously still more than just that at the moment. She tells me to hurry up and find a gf every single day, then it'll be easier for her to end things with me.

Who knows if that is true.. but regardless, it's a mess. Only if I could've met her before she was in a relationship, maybe things could be different.

Every week, she'd warm up to me as the days go by, and we'd be tight by Friday. Everything cools off while she's away on the weekend, and it's back to square one on Monday again.