new order - bizarre love triangle

Every time i think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

tupac - so much pain

I couln't help but notice your pain

My pain?

It runs deep
Share it with me.

puddle of mudd - blurry

Everything’s so blurry
And everyone’s so fake
And everybody’s so empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I’ll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what your doing
Imagine where you are
There’s oceans in between us
But that’s not very far


Everyday, a part of me is dying inside.

4 am

I dreamt about her again, just now. I woke up, and I just started crying.

Earlier today, I thought of CL. I don't know why I did all of a sudden, as it has been five years or so now. But I went through my desk and found that watch, the one symbolic of our times together.

Then I thought of Jenn after I woke up, 4 am, just like when she'd call me to go eat after she gets drunk at the club. She'd say she didn't want guys taking advantage of her, so she chose me to keep her company. What do I say?

And her........ someone that I miss the most, by far. I still cannot believe that it has been two whole years since things had gone sour. How I wish, I could just see her again. I don't know why she's avoiding me, does she think me of a stalker?! I hope not, since those are not my intentions. I just wish, with all my might, that she is doing well. I hope she has finally found a job, one that she's always wanted. Selfishly, I do want her to be still in Calgary and not have gone back to HK. But I have no idea about anything about her right now..... no way to know.

And finally, of course I wonder how she's doing in Edmonton. She told me yesterday that she and her bf had agreed to not see each other for a year, and that it already has been half year now. She says things are still good.. but she mentioned something about how if she had choices or something, she might waver. I don't know if she purely stated that as a fact, or if was supposed to mean something to me. She also keeps asking me about my "waiting list", as I had mentioned that once to her before when she inquire about my gf status. I said it's a secret, but she has already bugged me to tell her what it is more than three times already. I wish that I could simply tell her the truth, that right now at this moment, I'm waiting for her. But I can't do that, I told her I'd respect her choice, to be with her bf. I don't want to make things awkward, for the both of us. How will this ever end up? I like her, and I care for her.

These late night wake-ups are the worst, I can't ever get back to sleep till morning and all that comes up in my mind are these issues. I'm becoming more suicidal, the thoughts have been coming back. I don't think there's help out there for me anymore. Unless I find a girl, no medication or counselling will make me better. For many, that is as easily done as said. But for me, it's like this unclimbable wall of some sort. I wish I knew what it was. Could someone just fucking tell me?

offspring - the kids aren't alright

When we were young the future was so bright
The whole neighborhood was so alive
And every kid on the whole damn street
Was gonna make it big and not be beat

Now the neighborhood's cracked and torn
The kids are grown up but their lives are worn
How can one little street
Swallow so many lives

Broken Down

Sometimes warm, sometimes cold. I don't know what she's thinking, I thought we were just friends now. Why the coldness then? I didn't even ask her to go out for lunch.

I feel like I'm losing my mind, those headaches that sneak up on me when she hurts me. Everyday, they come and go. I want to die.

There is no hope, I feel. I've kept believing for years, ever since CL, that something good'll happen. It has now been just about five years. It got worse, and keeps getting worse. I see no end in sight. I noticed the trend years ago, and always thought that I'd hit the bottom.

But it seems more like a bottomless pit.

Sometimes I wish I was never born. Make that most of the friggin time.

bonethugz - breakdown

Every new day is a test for me,
so I just pray the Lord for Him to bless me,
please.
There's struggles I'm goin' through lately,
breaks me down, set me free.
Let me be. Let me be. Who else do I have to rely on?
Whose shoulder can a thug go cry on?
Can I get my vibe on? While you look into my eyes,
you won't underestimate, and this soldier story,
I'm'a tell you right now I'm fed up.
Wrong if I let my lead bust? Pac said keep your head up.
Don't let this world get the best of you,
I'm a stress you through it,
if it's over, over, over.

Don't breakdown yet, it's over.

tupac - they don't give a fuck about us

I'm seeing it clearer
Hating the picture in the mirror
They claim we inferior
So why the fuck these devils fear ya?
I'm watching my nation die genocide the cause
Expect a blood bath
The aftermath is y'alls
I told ya last album, we need help cause we dying
Give us a chance, help us advance cause we trying
Ignore my whole plea, watching us in disgust
And then they beg when my guns bust
They don't give a fuck about us

Spaceship

EDIT

Upon deeper reflection.. it doesn't matter about what sms messages I send, she's already made up her mind. It is really all over now. No more ifs, buts, maybes........ I've been turned down. I really do hope that she's happy, as pathetic and as fake as that would appear, even to myself.

I just can't help but feel sad. Very, sad.

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
Now I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside, and nobody knows it but me
I lie awake, its a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night
As if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me

The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about
The love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
/EDIT

Got to stop doing stupid stuff......... sms messages are deadly. Control is the lesson of the day.

Need another vacation, but at the same time, I want to go to work because she's there. I got a raise.. which is nice. I twas a complete surprise. But it doesn't really mean anything for me at this point in time. My heart isn't in my career or the money, it's all about her.

I remember havin' to take the dollar cab
Comin' home real late at night
Standin' on my feet all damn day
Tryin' to make this thing right

I wanna fly, I wanna fly
I said I want my chariot to pick me up
And take a brother for a ride

spaceship - kanye

So close, yet so far.

"Nothing… nothing big.. was in a weird position with someone.. just decided it’s time to set things straight. Hope everything will be ok. Don’t want anything to affect me and my bf."
So it looks like I wasn't imagining all of this, she was feeling it too. But it also looks like, this is the end of it all.. but then she has to throw in a curve ball in there and leave me a glimmer of hope..

"I don’t know about me and bf either. But whatever."

My head still hurts, a lot.

Saw the fireworks tonight, South Africa. Not bad, but not great neither. Through it all, I thought of her.

And her. Still not a word, and I'm still thinking of her.

"It's even dark in the day time."

EDIT:

I went out to cool down by myself.. ended up chained up within the parking lot. As I was panicking, I noticed there was another vehicle there, and a good man showed me the trick to get out. Thank god for the bike path.. I was almost going to just sleep in my car for the night and go from there.

I feel like such a failure, it's not even funny.

/EDIT


It's bothering me so much, that I have an intense headache because of it. Her, her long distance relationship with her bf. I need to dis-engage.. I know I NEED to, but I can't do it. I'm afraid if I really force myself to, that I'll regret it later, like with her.

Speaking of her, no reply of my e-mail, phone call, text.. anything. Yet I see her online on msn everyday.

These ups and downs are killing me.. day in, day out. I know I need to get a hold of myself, but I can't. I want to be cared, loved. I've given and given.. and I've been running empty for some time.

It's even dark in the day time,
It's not just good, it's great depression
When I was lost I even found myself,
Looking in the guns direction.

And so I've tried
Everything but suicide
But yes, it's crossed my mind...

But I'm fine.

No, I'm not fine.

A Conversation

Below is a conversation between her at work, and myself, from Tues. It starts from the bottom. Sometimes, I just don't know what to think.

To: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

You should get a larger cup, that way it’s not empty all the time. I am umm… about you lor.. Feeling important!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

yes, vip.. what are you umm about?..

I keep getting water already, but it’s soooo far away la

I’m leavin then too
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

Um… VIP…

You go get some water la… Go Go Go…

I am not leaving early

500 la

U?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

Private room huh.. I must be vip since you let me in there haha.

My mouth is so dry, must be the fries.. when r u leaving?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

Um.. I see.. It’s a private room.. haha…

I am back upstairs la
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

I’ve always wondered who uses that room.. before you told me. Heck, I didn’t’ even know it was a kitchen haha. I just saw stashes of food in there.. I guess I’m one of the curious ones.

Done down there yeT?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

Really??

I wonder who cares?? I mean about walking into the kitchen? What do you mean people look at who’s in the kitchen??

I don’t get it wor.

Yes they did la.. I have hung up already
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

Ah. Got to do the research huh.

Have they picked up your phone call yet? Haha.

I notice everyone pays attention to who walks into the kitchen haha, maybe cause it’s so “exclusive”

A Monday Evening

I've learned to obtain happiness, barely, but it doesn't let me hold on.

Driving 'round thought I saw you pass me
My rearview mirror's playing tricks on me
Cause you fade away
Maybe I'm just hallucinating
Cause my loneliness got the best of me
And my heart's so weak

case - missing you

AH

So I finally got a hold of Mary.. and I mentioned about how we were supposed to go eat and stuff. And she was like,

"Oh right, yea, I ended up going to Vancouver last minute.."

The reply went on for like a whole minute, and I don't even really know how she was busy during the long weekend had to do with not even letting me know that we weren't going to eat anymore have to relate. I suppose that's how they take advantage of guy-friends.

As for her from work. I grabbed my phone last night after I finished eating, and it showed a missed call from her. It was the most pleasant surprise for me of the week. So I called her back, turns out she was shopping at the mall, not the best time/place to hold a conversation. So after some small talk, I let her go back to her "work". I then sent her a sms, asking if she'd like to do something later on at night.. this was early, like at 8 pm. I waited, no response. Until late at night, past midnight, she texted me back saying that she never read my msg until then, sorry. I'm still feeling better tho, after the initial phone call a few days back, I never imagined that she'd call back, especially on a Friday night. Then the sms, I was half gambling, and was expecting her to straight up say no/busy.

Come Monday, I'll be seeing her at work again. I'm just a little excited, and slight bit edgy.

Women... I will never understand.

"Maybe I'm just hallucinating.."

Can't even sleep in anymore.. all that's on my mind are her, and her.

She still hasn't replied my e-mail, but she's been on msn.....

She hasn't called me back, so we all know what that means.

Heck, even Mary hasn't called me back.



What have I done to deserve all these? All my life, I've tried to be a good person, I'm not handsome, but I'm not an ugly ass mofo neither. Why? I'm told I'm a nice guy, and that's like a death sentence. Do girls really just want assholes regardless of what they say?

It's been years of me trying now, but the asshole-ness just ain't in me. Sounds pathetic I know, but it's the sad fuckin truth.

weather

Got to admit the weather is reflecting my mood. Gone are the bright sunny days, in comes the stormy thunderous glooms..

I called her the other night.. she picked up after many rings. Turns out she was on long-distance..... chatting with her bf I presume?.. And that was the end of that. No call back since.. I keep hopeing she'd give me a call, but it's really just fantasy. I'm not going to call her again.. I think this is quite a clear sign from her to "back off."

As far ahead as I saw this coming, it hurts. Fireworks? What fantasy... hahhahaha shit. Back to square-one.. I called Mary last night, didn't even pick up. Whatever happened to the dinner date that was supposed to happen last week? She said she'd call me.

I finally got some balls and e-mailed her.. I wonder if she'll even reply. Or should I say if she doesn't, I will be completely crushed. Like never before.

Played-out, just played out.

hai...

For those not of the Chinese culture.. "hai" is similar to "sigh."

It's time to face the facts, or just "fact."

She has a bf.

nuff' said, right?

Sometimes, I just don't know when to stop. All the time and effort I put into looking for a laptop for her....... why bother?

It's even dark in the daytime.
It's not just good, it's great depression.
When I was lost I even found myself looking in the gun's direction.

And so I've tried, everything but suicide...
but yes, it's crossed my mind.

gnarls barkley - just a thought
What do I do. Where do I go. From here............

I'm alive, but I feel as if I'm dead. Like a zombie, living.. yet not really at the same time.

Everytime I give it my all.. and in return a piece of my heart gets crushed and trashed away. There really isn't much left anymore, I'm reaching my limit. 22, almost 23 years of loneliness. My psychologist is right I suppose.. being "abandoned" by my parents at a young age has fucked up my life. I don't blame them, but I still feel that way.

I feel dead. It's time like these when I wish there was someone I could cry to.

But there's just nobody, at all.

Memories

Memories don't live like people do
They always remember you
Whether things are good or bad, its just the memories

mos def - travellin' man

Two years ago. At around this time, I would be heading to UC theatre building, to pick her up from work.

someday

So.. knowing that I won't have to go to work this coming week, feels AWESOME. I don't even have to worry about catching up on sleep this weekend, I can just do whatever I want. Even if it's nothing and just staying up and playing games or chilling for pho.. I miss the good old summers where I hadn't started working yet and it was all play.

I got her cell when we left work yesterday.. not sure if I should ask her to go out and chill or what? Constantly trying to remind myself to take it easy, as she has a bf. I keep thinking about fireworks.... it would be nice. Just like two years ago, it now only feels like a dream.

How I reminise.

language of music

It's hard sticking to what I've decided. Not putting in any effort.. gotta keep that in mind. Got to restrain myself from crossing the boundries. But I can't help but imagine the posibilities.. fireworks are coming up.

Ah.. office politics. Things heating up, I see people blowing up in the near future. So I've got next week off after all....

It was good last night, to see friends at bowling. And today, to see her at work.

I keep comparing her, with her.. seems like I just can't let go. What is she doing? I really want to know, but I'm scared to call.