AFTERburn

So I'm feeling tons better now. An old friend of mine called yesterday, and we talked for awhile. I updated her on my recent happenings, especially with the coworker. She correctly pointed out that it was very normal for the girl to not have mentioned her bf even tho I've been showing interest.. given that I did not straight up "ask her to date me." I am not putting this down very clearly and as convincing as she did, but... I got to admit I agree with her observation. The girl is simply making friends at work and being friendly.. although maybe a little more than usual.

So I decided the best course of action is to let things be.. as they are. We went out for lunch today, had a nice chat. I am not going to put any effort into this, as she's taken. However, I'm not going to stop talking to her.. in fact, in an ideal world I'd simply win her over. haha..... me and my fantacies.

Work is better too, crunch time is over. I have NEXT WEEK OFF. I cannot wait, a whole week of doing nothing AHHAHHAHAHAHHAA.

Slightly depressed, and just a tad bit insane right now. But I'm ok today, I think.

Burn

Friday morning, receiving an e-mail from her..

".. my bf sent it to me."

Ouch.

I felt like she let a curve ball out and hit me right in the crotch. I had not seen this coming whatsoever... things had been moving well. We were starting to call each other through our extensions at work, not to mention the e-mail conversations. We even went out at lunch on Thurs, just to T n T like a couple. Thurs afternoon, I went by her desk to say bye while leaving, and she gave me the cutest smile ever. And then Friday, I got this. She's talking to me as if she doesn't expect me to have any sort of reaction to knowing that she already has a bf..

Just got back from camping earlier today, it was an interesting experience. I ended up consuming a 12 pack of Kokanee, some Grand Marnier.. and multiple sessions of the good stuff. Lacking sleep however. What I had found out on Friday brought my mood down to its lowest possible, so I ended up drowning myself in booze.

Much has happened on the trip.. but I am too lazy to type anymore. I'm just devastated. My hopes and dreams, all shattered. Life apparently has no mercy.

Fiona, CL, Mary, Jenn, Evelyn, Sharon, and now Viv...... every single time, I give it all I've got, with all my heart. And in return, I end up devastated with full body agonizing pain.

"I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost barely enough to stay alive."

so.

Camping is in a couple days.. gonna be leaving Fri straight from work. Been looking forward to this, I picture non-stop alcohol and herbal consumption. However, my buddies are thinking otherwise. They want to do hiking, hot spring.. etc all that other shits. All I feel like is chilling at the camp grounds, sippin' a cold one and relaxing. I guess life just ain't perfect!

Still feeling tired, really needing those 15 hr sleep marathons. I guess that'll have to wait till next weekend. Last minute shopping for the camping trip tomorrow nite, hopefully it can be taken care of quickly. Work is picking up, as the deadlind is this Fri. The atmosphere in my department is almost errily quiet. The mood is so dead, the work is so frustrating for everybody. I'm just doing what I can to help out..

And of coz her...... we talked a few times today, walked her to the printer. Yea, doesn't that sound pathetic. I guess it's over, but it isn't as bad as I thought it'd be. Still....... I'm getting absolutely nowhere.

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah

I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah

I let the melody shine,
let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now

But the airways are clean
and there's nobody singing to me now

maybe tomorrow?

Something that has become painfully obvious.. in the office, she is stone-cold to me. Even if I walk over to chat with her, she'll barely say hi. But when we went for lunch/walk before, or even on e-mails that we send to each other in the office, she seems somewhat interested... or if not, at least not stone-cold. What's going on here?

She turned down walk/lunch again today.

I feel like I've been shot.

maybe tomorrow

I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

love

What is love?.

I read this story that she sent me today.. a very touching love story. Makes me think, really. The message of the story, "love can only be felt, not described." I agree.

We went for a walk during lunch hour today. We ended up walking in a circle around the parking lot of the building haha.. too short. She said it was windy, I dunno? She declined lunch tomorrow, claiming that going out to eat is "fattening." Are things going downhill already? I can't tell, I really can't. Or maybe I can feel it... but doesn't want to admit it.

It's only been a week, or less? Don't tell me this is it. I think I've done what I could.. am I pushing too much maybe? Only god and she knows. I can't afford to fall into the friend zone again.. because it's what always happens if I just let it flow naturally.

Our conversation today wasn't quite right for some reason, it didn't feel like Friday.. was I too nervous? Maybe she was? I can't tell.

My depression is setting in again. My senior told me today while I was thinking about this, "Victor, you look angry." I wasn't angry for sure, I was experiencing distress over her. I guess I can't hide it at all..

  • Bird York - In The Deep
  • Strereophonics - Maybe Tomorrow

Crash

No, not me.. the movie. Finally had a chance to watch it, and honest to god it surpassed all of my expectations. Now I understand why my coworker was raving about it so much. Loved the topic, loved the intriguing questions and posibilities explored by the film. The illustrations of the different characters and their relative stereotypes and conflicts were very good. Given that I'm a minority (Chinese) myself, this film struck me very deeply. Many powerful emotional scenes in my opinion, especially the end while the director dude was watching the thrown-away car burn..... also loved the music, enhanced and complimented the scenes very beautifuly.

It has become one of my favorites, along the likes of Seven, Fight Club, Blow, Sin City, and such.

I wonder how she's doing up in Edmonton.

MEDIUM

So we did go for lunch today.. it seems as if she went in to work early, just so she could still take an hour lunch with me since she was leaving early. Not sure if she just needed to do that for work, or if it's just my wishfull thinking.... anyhow. I was quite unease for most of the morning, unsure about if she was gonna bail out. It turns out me and her have more in common than I originally thought.. very similar backgrounds. Also surprised that she's older, by two years i estimate. I hope that doesn't turn into an issue, as women that I know tend NOT to date younger guys with no exceptions. We had a nice conversation throughout the ride and at Wendys... her innocent lean-ins, have already gotten a hold of me.

I am not sure what is going to happen from here on.. for some reason I'm being pessimistic about this, although things appear to be moving fine.

I really, honestly hope it is not because I'm still thinking of her.. it's been more than enough suffering.

I don't konw how to pray.

aiyaya

Even tho I was expecting it, it's still hitting me a bit. The "lunch date" might not happen, as she's swamped with work. Given that I work in the same company as her, I am inclined to believe that as I'm busy as heck myself. It's still disappointing, especially since she's away for the whole weekend. Hopefully next week, it'll happen.

I'm just thinking, the least I could do tomorrow is ask her to go for a walk to wherever, and grab food quickly. That should be good? Beautiful day, Friday... good setting right? I surprised her with an iced cap today, I think it worked :P Things seem to be moving along nice and steady, aside from the minor bump tomorrow......

And I'm still praying.

Heaven

It's been awhile, but I've actually met someone. We've noticed each other at work previously, the innocent smile here and there.. been caught staring, and I was never quite sure if she despised me for that, or not. Now, something seemingly magical has begun, just begun. A "short" lunch date on Friday, I wonder how it'll go. Trying not to hype myself up too much, since nothing has really happened. But this feeling of being cared for and wanted, I've missed for almost two years now. She reminds me of her..

But hey, it's a brand new spankin' start. Still tired as hell, still exhausted since Sunday is still the only day where I got regular sleep..... but haven't felt better in my mind for, forever.

She mentioned that she moved down here from Edmonton.. I asked if she lived with roomates or what not.. she never quite replied. A very tiny slight thing, maybe she thought it's not important and didn't bother answering....... as long as it's not the dreaded words that she "lives with the boyfriend."

I've never prayed, but I almost feel like praying.

Stampede Week

Went three times this year.. saw Our Lady Peace, it was beautiful. Took another one of those antique picture, we did rugged western as the theme this year. I liked last year's Victorian better tho, just love that classy-ness.

Tired as hell, exhausted to the maximum. Been out till the early AM everyday this week since Monday until last night, and then work at 8:30 the next day. Gotta admit the constant going-out and tiredness keeps me from thinking too much. Sitting at home on a Friday night can be quite desvastating while I reminise.

So my doctor refuses to give me the second medication unless I stop drinking completely...... is she trying to kill me?.. The pain, the emptiness, I don't know how many weeks I would last.

I still wonder how she's doing.. is she even still in Calgary? Has she found the job that she so desperately needs yet? I've not seen her at Starbucks for months now..

another week's gone by

well well well, guess what, another friday... and I'm doing nothing again. Played some soccer tonight, ended up with millions of mosquito bites, scrapped knee, and lightly sprained ankle. Shows how out of shape I am. Was supposed to go play poker afterwards, but I bailed. After I got home and took a shower, I didn't feel it anymore..

I'm so tired from work and soccer, but now that I am at home, I can't bring myself to sleep, once again. My doctor (one of them) had told me yesterday that I am supposed to completely stop drinking, otherwise, she refuses to prescribe for me a secondery medication that I think will really help.

I can't do that. It's my only release right now. Looking forward to the next alcohol-involved outing, wherever it might be.

Oh yea, Stampede is here.

LONELY ROADS & PSYCHO PATHS

LONELY ROADS & PSYCHO PATHS

Time has been at a standstill, without you.

I've finally given in and tried this blog thing. This is one of the darkest hours of my life, thus far. Overwhelmed by loneliness, envelopped by the emptiness. I have no one I can talk to about this, my friends just don't understand.

To think that all this loneliness is simply caused by the lack of romance.. is pathetic. Sometimes I think of myself as a pathetic loser, and can't help but do so.

Last night, I dreamt about her. I dreamt that I'd finally gotten a response from her, and that we were seeing each other again. It turned sour in my dream, as it once did in real life. It's been months, her ignoring me... internet, calls, sms.

It's been almost two years.. since we were seeing each other. But I just can't let go. She was initially just another one, and then, she was special.

Left with nowhere to express my thoughts and emotions, no one to turn to.. I wonder if ANYONE would even end up reading this.