Snowing

It's snowing again.

Outside, and also inside.
I can shelter from the blizzard outside, only if I could do the same for within.

The pain feels like having a dagger in my heart, and she's just dragging it across ever so slowly and gently.

I need an out. Give me a bone, will ya? Anything, anywhere.. I just want to be taken away.

Christmas 06

Just want to say.. Merry X'mas =)

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.

.. I'm still feeling cold.

Killing me softly..

I should be feeling happy today. But I don't really, no. Last night, I had one of the most amazing time of my life. But still.. nothing seems to mean anything anymore when compared to her.

I never thought that, to be able to be with her face to face for lunch.. to wish her Merry Christmas before she leaves, would be a luxury. It appears that it now is.

She's killing me softly, everyday.
Cause' my loneliness has got the best of me, and my heart's so weak..

Time

Just like that, it's been a year.

Last year, I went to my company's Christmas party. I was still a newbie then, just a part-timer. This year, I went to my company's Christmas party. Still new to the company, barely half a year as a full-timer.

But how time flies..

What I set out to accomplish, I could not. And I'm just counting days, counting the years. Sometimes I wonder why I bother struggling. It might be best to just, give up, and let it be.

But I always have that glimmer of hope.. seemingly so close, but forever out of my reach.

Most of the time, I think about how my days might be a little happier if I could just be intoxicated, all the time. Yes, it is pathetic. But if you were me, would you keep on struggling?

It's not simply about getting beat down, and getting back up; it's more like being beat down on a choke slam, and then curb-stomped on the sidewalk.

Where's the relief?

What do you do, when there's no escape?

What do you do, when life really takes it toll on you?

What do you do, when there's so much that you just can't forget?

What do you do, when your dreams haunt you?

There's no end. There's a future, but it's just a dark tunnel. How do you survive in this dark place? The light that I yearn for, keeps on evading me.

It baffles me. We were once so close, so important to each other; but now, even when we do talk, we talk as if we're strangers. It hurts, over and over, and it just doesn't stop hurting.

Philosophy

Living to die; dying to live.

The more I think about it, the more cruel it is.

Snow, snow, snow

All that snow, the howling wind, and the frigid temperature.. It was a nightmare on the roads today. It took me an hour to get home from work, instead of the usual 15 minutes.

The weather, ironically is just like my mood; unpredictable and ever-changing at every moment.

Right now, it's freezing.

In retrospect.

So I took the gamble; contrary to what everyone else what saying.

I did not think that she'd be the one I would forever be in love with; I just knew that at that moment, I wanted to be with her more than anything else in this entire world. I didn't want to have to regret, if I never even tried. Those dark nights that haunt me.. as I reminise about what could have been.

And so I gambled; with the odds completely against myself.

Now, I pay dearly with having my heart shattered and stepped on.

How's it gonna be..

She now hates me, and wants nothing to do with me. I have no idea what I said that could've upset her so much.

I thought I did this, so that I could move on.

But I still feel troubled by her mere presense, and coldness towards me.

third eye blind - how's it gonna be

Hows it going to be
When your not around
Hows it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be.
Hows it going to be
When you don't know me any more
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivian
Wanna taste the soul of your skin
The soft dive of oblivian
Oblivian
How's it going to be

The Day

I've brought it out in the open, between me and her.

She says that she doesn't like me one bit at all more than a friend. She never answered if she ever did.

But it doesn't matter anymore, that was what I needed to hear from her, to move on. I no longer hold any hopes of getting together with her.

Now what's next?..

The Day After

Today was a good day. Went down to 17th and chilled. Within an hour's notice, I became an extra in a hip hop music video. Looking forward to seeing it on MuchMusic.

But deep down, I feel like shit.

Broken Bones

Today was snowboarding day. Lake Louise, Banff, Alberta. It feels like every bone in my body has been broken; sprained thumb on the writing hand.

Now my body is as beat down as my heart.

Strength

She's weak at the moment. Too many things going on, too many things happening to her simultaneously. I innitially wanted to put some distance between us; be cold towards her, and see how she'd response. But now, upon hearing the news, I just want to be her strength. I don't want to see her frown, stressed, overworked, overwhelmed. Regardless of what was said between us, what I was going to do.. I just want to see her well.

If she's willing, I'd be her piller of strength in this whole wide world. The one unchanging thing that she could rely upon. But I don't think she's giving me that opportunity.

Only if.

Back to... Good.. ?

The weather is starting to get cold. Strangely I like this weather, when I am forced to wear a jacket. That thick, heavy sensation soothes me. It gives me a sense of security in this world of despair.

Sometimes I hope tomorrow never comes.

Darkest Hour

I had four wisdom teeth removed last thurs.. I'm still feeling the effects today. Maybe tomorrow, I can start eating regular food again.

At my darkest hour, who is here for me?

No one.

Something so deep rooted within my heart that it makes my will to live waver.

Movin' on

It's quieted down.. we don't act like a couple anymore. Just regular coworkers..... I miss her, and she knows.. and vice versa. But it's done with.

I still wish her well....... I'll be there for her, for the darkest hours.

Rollercoaster

From extreme high, to never ending low.

It's been a wierd couple of days.............
All hope is lost, she couldn't have made it any clearer. My birthday is coming up, and it's a sad one. Never thought it'd end this way, at this time......... just like two years ago.

linkin park - in the end

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

Why?

For her, I turned down a girl who likes me.

Why?

If only she'd know.

Substance

Just got to get through this.. in time, I'll be fine. But for now, let me drown in the world of substance abuse.

Can't believe I turned down a girl, for someone who I'm not even together with.

Love is a potent drug. Need other substances to counteract.................

k-os : call me

Never know, never know
Whats right until you walking death
Everyday is just a struggle
We take till there's nothing left


Nothing left.......

The show goes on..

And the show goes on. Still her, still me, still him. A triangle........... a no-win situation for me. She won't make the choice for me, but she won't let go. And I can't force myself to let go neither...............

Feels like I've aged ten years. Older than my time.

Chronic

That emptiness, that tingling feeling of heaviness that lingers.. after a crushing defeat. After I realize how foolish I have been, for trying to win her heart, for thinking that I was coming close.

I had no idea, of the depth of their relationship. Her, and the him that was practically unknown to me.

I feel ashamed, for what I've done. Love, really does mess up the mind. It's like chronic, except you don't get to choose when to take it. It just shows up and grabs you by the throat, whether you like it or not.

And now that I've had a breath of fresh air, seen a bit of reality.. I can't help but still long for her.

What's left?

Everything, all that was between me and her.. have disappeared. She doesn't even talk to me anymore. What is there left to do? No meaning, no purpose. I don't know how to pass my days beside from drinking life away....

Commercial

It was a commercial for some investment firm.

It starts off with something like, we've all got our dreams. And we can start saving for those dreams, even $10 at a time. Then I thought to myself, not all dreams have to do with money. If any dream could be realized with money, life'd be so much easier.

Money can't buy love.
She asks me: How much do you like me?

Then she says: But I don't want you to get hurt.


What is the point of asking me, then.. Why?

from the inside, linkin park

Trying not to break
But I’m so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how, trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me

I've left pieces of my heart here, there, and everywhere... and now I really don't have any left to go on anymore.
I finally told her, straight up. About how I feel, about what's been bothering me, about what I think of us. And she said, that we're just friends.

Just like that, it's all over.

Haven't been hit this hard since Sharon, two years ago. Last time, it was almost self inflicted. This time, I decided to take the chance. With my luck, I should've known.

Ouch, a million times over, and now I'm just numb.

oblivion

Done, and done. Full body, excruciating pain. I ran and ran, and ran some more. I usually run three laps, once when I first get to the gym, once at the end. Today, I just kept running. I didn't stop. I thought about her on my mind, and I wanted to keep running to get her off my mind.

At the end, I felt intense chest pain and I was forced to stop. I took deep breaths, slowly walked the rest of the way.. the chest pain was easing, but not my mind.

And how's it going to be
when you don't know me anymore?
And how's it going to be?

I wanna get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion…
I wanna taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion…oblivion
How's it going to be
when you don't know me any more?
How's it going to be?
How's it going to be?
third eye blind - how's it gonna be

And at 4 am, who's gonna be there for me? It's been nobody.

Lost my phone, lost my mind

A weekend of drunkeness. It helped to get my mind off things. But now after the hangovers and sobering up, I'm back where I last left it.

Lost my cell phone somewhere during the bar hopping night. Not a great loss, I thought. Until I thought of the messages, from her. Irreplacable, still.. after all this time.

Back to the daily grind, back to the work days where I pray for the weekend to come quicker. Then it's back to the weekend where I wish Monday'd come faster so that I can see her at work again.

She is right, I don't make any sense.

dreams and reality

It was always a no-win situation, even before I got engaged in it.

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I feel the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

Robbie Williams, Better Man
October is coming soon. A very sad time for myself.
I was wrong yesterday... things are not back to normal today. I think.. she's trying to put some distance between us again. Not I think, I know she is.

This could be it, dead end for the journey.

So disturbed, I cannot put it in words. Choosing to let it out through abusing my own body, because that's the only way I know. I almost threw up from working out today. I thought that if I'd just keep at it, I'd stop thinking of her.

It doesn't work, and the pain just won't go away.

Every new day is a test for me,
So I just pray the Lord for Him to bless me, please.
There's struggles I'm goin' through lately,
Breaks me down, set me free.
Let me be. Let me be.
Who else do I have to rely on?

- bonethugz n harmony, breakdown

bleak..

Driving 'round thought I saw you pass me
My rearview mirror's playing tricks on me
Cause you fade away
Maybe I'm just hallucinating
Cause my loneliness got the best of me
And my heart's so weak

case - missng you


Not a word from her all weekend. I thought Friday she said she'd call me back? So I ended up sending her a txt instead... and still no reply.

I've given up waiting for her call.

It seems to turn out this way every weekend, she goes back to "her own life".. with her friends, family, and bf. I am only there to entertain her during the week, while she's at work.

I suppose everything will be as normal tomorrow, Monday. She probably wouldn't even mention about the weekend. And if she does, she'll just say she forgot or she was busy. But then I think of when she made me lunch, of the little things..... and I guess that's why I'm putting up with all these.

So it was my last appointment at the U of C on Friday, I'd have to look for a new doctor soon. Before my medication runs out, although I do have roughly a year's supply.

Life is bleak.

dream

Only, if my dream could come true.

It felt so vivid...... I wish I could've kept it going forever and ever.

But reality's so sad.

back to earth

What goes up, must come down.

Can't believe I forgot about that. 2 days later, it's like the magic has disappeared. I try to relive the moment, but it seems so distant, so unreachable. She's gone cold towards me again.

I must be the replacement for her bf, when she feels like it.

heaven on earth

She made me lunch today.

It was so surprising..... even tho we couldn't eat together, it made my day.

I felt like I was the luckiest man alive. A taste of heaven.

Don't want to think about what'll become of us.... at this moment, right now, I'm happy.

..... 12 hours later now, and I still feel like I'm floatin'.. it's amazing how the smallest things from her mean so much more to me than everything else in this world.

matchbox20, push

And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
Cuz it's a little bit dirty well

Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you
You don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all

krazy

Feels like I'm running empty.
Time goes by, puffin on lye
Hopin that it gets me high
Got a nigga goin cra-zy
Oh yeah, I feel cra-zy
tupac - krazy

nothing.

It feels like I've got nothing left anymore.

Viv... I'm still willing to do whatever I can for her, heck, I'm going to call up auto glass places to see where's the best place for her to replace her windshield. Hoping.. that she'd be touched. But of cause, that'll never happen. What are the friggin odds........

Sharon......... still not a word. The silence is hard to take.

Jenn....... I'm glad that she seems very happy. Happy for her.....

CL... her bday coming up. I wish I could tell her happy birthday, in person, or at least on the phone. But over msn is the best I could do, she wouldn't even give me her cell number. I must've been a terrible person back then..

Mary.. she actually understands me. But... she's not helping. I guess she's got her shits to do, her own relationship, her own shits to deal with. I should understand. But still, right now, I need her by my side more than ever. I guess she doesn't understand that.....

"It wastes time, and I'd rather be high" - stereophonics, maybe tomorrow
I can't help but keep smoking now. I've been smoking cigarettes...... but I know I should stop. Don't need another addiction. At this point in time however, it's my last resort.

Don't even have anyone to drink with anymore.

Today

It's as if we never had that conversation yesterday.. we were just like before at work today. She didn't want to bring it up it seems... apparently I missed a call from her last night, so I asked her what she called for today.. and she said nothing, just to see how I was. I think she was lying.. she wanted to continue the conversation from work, to get an answer out of me. But today, it's like we both have put that behind us, hidden.

I am planning to hang out with her at Marketmall tonight, in about an hour, for an hour. Just an hour, out of her busy schedule.... I can't believe how tough it was just to have her company for even an hour tonight.

Let's see how it goes..............



AHAHAHA - so she did call, and we met at Marketmall. I think I got there just around 8:00 pm.. she had to leave for dinner with "her sister's friends" by 8:45 pm. Because of the stupid deerfoot accident, Mcknight was backed the fuck up... I even sped from home, to meet her at Marketmall. I kept telling myself the whole time, DO NOT SPEED SO MUCH, because I saw cop cars along the way. But I couldn't help it, I knew I didn't have much time with her.... and I was right. It was..... a very plain outing. I tried asking her to come out for a drink after she's done dinner, but she already made plans with others to go for a drink.. ahahh. Pathetic.

I don't know, if she knows, how I feel about her.

Everytime she mentions her bf, I die a little more inside.

Speechless

She asked, "How come I am so important to you and how come you care about me so much?"

The answer is so simple, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

I don't know if she already knows now.. but if I say it out, we can't be like how we are now in the future. She'd have to make a decision, to be with me, or cut me out of her life to be with her bf.

The stakes are so high, I don't even want to risk losing what we have right now. I'd tell others to just tell her, it's worth a shot. But now that I'm going through it... even tho I still think the same way, I just can't bring myself to tell her myself.

If only, I could know what she thinks of me right now. If she thinks of me as just a friend, it's better that I don't answer her. If she feels maybe the same way...

Maybe tomorrow.

Repeat.

Everytime she mentions her bf, I die a little bit more inside.

Sometimes I wonder if I mean anything to her more than a friend, or if I ever did.

The ridiculous part is I am not sure if I want to know the truth myself.

untitled.

My cousin and his baby gurl who came to visit from TO left yesterday. It makes me sad... she's just turned 3. I love her more than anything else in this world. If they lived in Calgary, it'd be so nice.

Thurs, bowling. Fri, work out, weed. Sat, mah jong. Sun, going to the airport for the baby gurl leaving. Today, I am doing nothing. It feels like it's been a hectic couple days, even tho it was really nothing. My arms are still very stiff and sore from working out, ridiculous. Over did it on my first session in over a year.. and not to mention how out of shape I am.

That serenity is gone. I think of Viv, and I think of Sharon. So alike, both so unatainable. Both so cute, and adorable. Both giving me the joy of my life, and also the agonizing painful headaches.

Everytime she mentions her bf, I die a little bit more inside.

Serenity?..

A fleeing feeling of serenity.. as if I could back into that depression at anytime. Things are still wierd, me and her, and her bf.

We might even be going shopping and dinner next week, if I'm lucky. A girl friend of mine gave me the following advise: She's keeping me close because she likes the attention, since her bf is away and she's lonely. Even tho she told me that we're just friends, it's obviously still more than just that at the moment. She tells me to hurry up and find a gf every single day, then it'll be easier for her to end things with me.

Who knows if that is true.. but regardless, it's a mess. Only if I could've met her before she was in a relationship, maybe things could be different.

Every week, she'd warm up to me as the days go by, and we'd be tight by Friday. Everything cools off while she's away on the weekend, and it's back to square one on Monday again.

new order - bizarre love triangle

Every time i think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

tupac - so much pain

I couln't help but notice your pain

My pain?

It runs deep
Share it with me.

puddle of mudd - blurry

Everything’s so blurry
And everyone’s so fake
And everybody’s so empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I’ll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what your doing
Imagine where you are
There’s oceans in between us
But that’s not very far


Everyday, a part of me is dying inside.

4 am

I dreamt about her again, just now. I woke up, and I just started crying.

Earlier today, I thought of CL. I don't know why I did all of a sudden, as it has been five years or so now. But I went through my desk and found that watch, the one symbolic of our times together.

Then I thought of Jenn after I woke up, 4 am, just like when she'd call me to go eat after she gets drunk at the club. She'd say she didn't want guys taking advantage of her, so she chose me to keep her company. What do I say?

And her........ someone that I miss the most, by far. I still cannot believe that it has been two whole years since things had gone sour. How I wish, I could just see her again. I don't know why she's avoiding me, does she think me of a stalker?! I hope not, since those are not my intentions. I just wish, with all my might, that she is doing well. I hope she has finally found a job, one that she's always wanted. Selfishly, I do want her to be still in Calgary and not have gone back to HK. But I have no idea about anything about her right now..... no way to know.

And finally, of course I wonder how she's doing in Edmonton. She told me yesterday that she and her bf had agreed to not see each other for a year, and that it already has been half year now. She says things are still good.. but she mentioned something about how if she had choices or something, she might waver. I don't know if she purely stated that as a fact, or if was supposed to mean something to me. She also keeps asking me about my "waiting list", as I had mentioned that once to her before when she inquire about my gf status. I said it's a secret, but she has already bugged me to tell her what it is more than three times already. I wish that I could simply tell her the truth, that right now at this moment, I'm waiting for her. But I can't do that, I told her I'd respect her choice, to be with her bf. I don't want to make things awkward, for the both of us. How will this ever end up? I like her, and I care for her.

These late night wake-ups are the worst, I can't ever get back to sleep till morning and all that comes up in my mind are these issues. I'm becoming more suicidal, the thoughts have been coming back. I don't think there's help out there for me anymore. Unless I find a girl, no medication or counselling will make me better. For many, that is as easily done as said. But for me, it's like this unclimbable wall of some sort. I wish I knew what it was. Could someone just fucking tell me?

offspring - the kids aren't alright

When we were young the future was so bright
The whole neighborhood was so alive
And every kid on the whole damn street
Was gonna make it big and not be beat

Now the neighborhood's cracked and torn
The kids are grown up but their lives are worn
How can one little street
Swallow so many lives

Broken Down

Sometimes warm, sometimes cold. I don't know what she's thinking, I thought we were just friends now. Why the coldness then? I didn't even ask her to go out for lunch.

I feel like I'm losing my mind, those headaches that sneak up on me when she hurts me. Everyday, they come and go. I want to die.

There is no hope, I feel. I've kept believing for years, ever since CL, that something good'll happen. It has now been just about five years. It got worse, and keeps getting worse. I see no end in sight. I noticed the trend years ago, and always thought that I'd hit the bottom.

But it seems more like a bottomless pit.

Sometimes I wish I was never born. Make that most of the friggin time.

bonethugz - breakdown

Every new day is a test for me,
so I just pray the Lord for Him to bless me,
please.
There's struggles I'm goin' through lately,
breaks me down, set me free.
Let me be. Let me be. Who else do I have to rely on?
Whose shoulder can a thug go cry on?
Can I get my vibe on? While you look into my eyes,
you won't underestimate, and this soldier story,
I'm'a tell you right now I'm fed up.
Wrong if I let my lead bust? Pac said keep your head up.
Don't let this world get the best of you,
I'm a stress you through it,
if it's over, over, over.

Don't breakdown yet, it's over.

tupac - they don't give a fuck about us

I'm seeing it clearer
Hating the picture in the mirror
They claim we inferior
So why the fuck these devils fear ya?
I'm watching my nation die genocide the cause
Expect a blood bath
The aftermath is y'alls
I told ya last album, we need help cause we dying
Give us a chance, help us advance cause we trying
Ignore my whole plea, watching us in disgust
And then they beg when my guns bust
They don't give a fuck about us

Spaceship

EDIT

Upon deeper reflection.. it doesn't matter about what sms messages I send, she's already made up her mind. It is really all over now. No more ifs, buts, maybes........ I've been turned down. I really do hope that she's happy, as pathetic and as fake as that would appear, even to myself.

I just can't help but feel sad. Very, sad.

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
Now I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside, and nobody knows it but me
I lie awake, its a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night
As if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me

The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about
The love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
/EDIT

Got to stop doing stupid stuff......... sms messages are deadly. Control is the lesson of the day.

Need another vacation, but at the same time, I want to go to work because she's there. I got a raise.. which is nice. I twas a complete surprise. But it doesn't really mean anything for me at this point in time. My heart isn't in my career or the money, it's all about her.

I remember havin' to take the dollar cab
Comin' home real late at night
Standin' on my feet all damn day
Tryin' to make this thing right

I wanna fly, I wanna fly
I said I want my chariot to pick me up
And take a brother for a ride

spaceship - kanye

So close, yet so far.

"Nothing… nothing big.. was in a weird position with someone.. just decided it’s time to set things straight. Hope everything will be ok. Don’t want anything to affect me and my bf."
So it looks like I wasn't imagining all of this, she was feeling it too. But it also looks like, this is the end of it all.. but then she has to throw in a curve ball in there and leave me a glimmer of hope..

"I don’t know about me and bf either. But whatever."

My head still hurts, a lot.

Saw the fireworks tonight, South Africa. Not bad, but not great neither. Through it all, I thought of her.

And her. Still not a word, and I'm still thinking of her.

"It's even dark in the day time."

EDIT:

I went out to cool down by myself.. ended up chained up within the parking lot. As I was panicking, I noticed there was another vehicle there, and a good man showed me the trick to get out. Thank god for the bike path.. I was almost going to just sleep in my car for the night and go from there.

I feel like such a failure, it's not even funny.

/EDIT


It's bothering me so much, that I have an intense headache because of it. Her, her long distance relationship with her bf. I need to dis-engage.. I know I NEED to, but I can't do it. I'm afraid if I really force myself to, that I'll regret it later, like with her.

Speaking of her, no reply of my e-mail, phone call, text.. anything. Yet I see her online on msn everyday.

These ups and downs are killing me.. day in, day out. I know I need to get a hold of myself, but I can't. I want to be cared, loved. I've given and given.. and I've been running empty for some time.

It's even dark in the day time,
It's not just good, it's great depression
When I was lost I even found myself,
Looking in the guns direction.

And so I've tried
Everything but suicide
But yes, it's crossed my mind...

But I'm fine.

No, I'm not fine.

A Conversation

Below is a conversation between her at work, and myself, from Tues. It starts from the bottom. Sometimes, I just don't know what to think.

To: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

You should get a larger cup, that way it’s not empty all the time. I am umm… about you lor.. Feeling important!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

yes, vip.. what are you umm about?..

I keep getting water already, but it’s soooo far away la

I’m leavin then too
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To: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

Um… VIP…

You go get some water la… Go Go Go…

I am not leaving early

500 la

U?
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From: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

Private room huh.. I must be vip since you let me in there haha.

My mouth is so dry, must be the fries.. when r u leaving?
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To: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

Um.. I see.. It’s a private room.. haha…

I am back upstairs la
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From: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

I’ve always wondered who uses that room.. before you told me. Heck, I didn’t’ even know it was a kitchen haha. I just saw stashes of food in there.. I guess I’m one of the curious ones.

Done down there yeT?
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To: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

Really??

I wonder who cares?? I mean about walking into the kitchen? What do you mean people look at who’s in the kitchen??

I don’t get it wor.

Yes they did la.. I have hung up already
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From: Victor
Subject: RE: Sunny Happy :)

Ah. Got to do the research huh.

Have they picked up your phone call yet? Haha.

I notice everyone pays attention to who walks into the kitchen haha, maybe cause it’s so “exclusive”

A Monday Evening

I've learned to obtain happiness, barely, but it doesn't let me hold on.

Driving 'round thought I saw you pass me
My rearview mirror's playing tricks on me
Cause you fade away
Maybe I'm just hallucinating
Cause my loneliness got the best of me
And my heart's so weak

case - missing you

AH

So I finally got a hold of Mary.. and I mentioned about how we were supposed to go eat and stuff. And she was like,

"Oh right, yea, I ended up going to Vancouver last minute.."

The reply went on for like a whole minute, and I don't even really know how she was busy during the long weekend had to do with not even letting me know that we weren't going to eat anymore have to relate. I suppose that's how they take advantage of guy-friends.

As for her from work. I grabbed my phone last night after I finished eating, and it showed a missed call from her. It was the most pleasant surprise for me of the week. So I called her back, turns out she was shopping at the mall, not the best time/place to hold a conversation. So after some small talk, I let her go back to her "work". I then sent her a sms, asking if she'd like to do something later on at night.. this was early, like at 8 pm. I waited, no response. Until late at night, past midnight, she texted me back saying that she never read my msg until then, sorry. I'm still feeling better tho, after the initial phone call a few days back, I never imagined that she'd call back, especially on a Friday night. Then the sms, I was half gambling, and was expecting her to straight up say no/busy.

Come Monday, I'll be seeing her at work again. I'm just a little excited, and slight bit edgy.

Women... I will never understand.

"Maybe I'm just hallucinating.."

Can't even sleep in anymore.. all that's on my mind are her, and her.

She still hasn't replied my e-mail, but she's been on msn.....

She hasn't called me back, so we all know what that means.

Heck, even Mary hasn't called me back.



What have I done to deserve all these? All my life, I've tried to be a good person, I'm not handsome, but I'm not an ugly ass mofo neither. Why? I'm told I'm a nice guy, and that's like a death sentence. Do girls really just want assholes regardless of what they say?

It's been years of me trying now, but the asshole-ness just ain't in me. Sounds pathetic I know, but it's the sad fuckin truth.

weather

Got to admit the weather is reflecting my mood. Gone are the bright sunny days, in comes the stormy thunderous glooms..

I called her the other night.. she picked up after many rings. Turns out she was on long-distance..... chatting with her bf I presume?.. And that was the end of that. No call back since.. I keep hopeing she'd give me a call, but it's really just fantasy. I'm not going to call her again.. I think this is quite a clear sign from her to "back off."

As far ahead as I saw this coming, it hurts. Fireworks? What fantasy... hahhahaha shit. Back to square-one.. I called Mary last night, didn't even pick up. Whatever happened to the dinner date that was supposed to happen last week? She said she'd call me.

I finally got some balls and e-mailed her.. I wonder if she'll even reply. Or should I say if she doesn't, I will be completely crushed. Like never before.

Played-out, just played out.

hai...

For those not of the Chinese culture.. "hai" is similar to "sigh."

It's time to face the facts, or just "fact."

She has a bf.

nuff' said, right?

Sometimes, I just don't know when to stop. All the time and effort I put into looking for a laptop for her....... why bother?

It's even dark in the daytime.
It's not just good, it's great depression.
When I was lost I even found myself looking in the gun's direction.

And so I've tried, everything but suicide...
but yes, it's crossed my mind.

gnarls barkley - just a thought
What do I do. Where do I go. From here............

I'm alive, but I feel as if I'm dead. Like a zombie, living.. yet not really at the same time.

Everytime I give it my all.. and in return a piece of my heart gets crushed and trashed away. There really isn't much left anymore, I'm reaching my limit. 22, almost 23 years of loneliness. My psychologist is right I suppose.. being "abandoned" by my parents at a young age has fucked up my life. I don't blame them, but I still feel that way.

I feel dead. It's time like these when I wish there was someone I could cry to.

But there's just nobody, at all.

Memories

Memories don't live like people do
They always remember you
Whether things are good or bad, its just the memories

mos def - travellin' man

Two years ago. At around this time, I would be heading to UC theatre building, to pick her up from work.

someday

So.. knowing that I won't have to go to work this coming week, feels AWESOME. I don't even have to worry about catching up on sleep this weekend, I can just do whatever I want. Even if it's nothing and just staying up and playing games or chilling for pho.. I miss the good old summers where I hadn't started working yet and it was all play.

I got her cell when we left work yesterday.. not sure if I should ask her to go out and chill or what? Constantly trying to remind myself to take it easy, as she has a bf. I keep thinking about fireworks.... it would be nice. Just like two years ago, it now only feels like a dream.

How I reminise.

language of music

It's hard sticking to what I've decided. Not putting in any effort.. gotta keep that in mind. Got to restrain myself from crossing the boundries. But I can't help but imagine the posibilities.. fireworks are coming up.

Ah.. office politics. Things heating up, I see people blowing up in the near future. So I've got next week off after all....

It was good last night, to see friends at bowling. And today, to see her at work.

I keep comparing her, with her.. seems like I just can't let go. What is she doing? I really want to know, but I'm scared to call.

AFTERburn

So I'm feeling tons better now. An old friend of mine called yesterday, and we talked for awhile. I updated her on my recent happenings, especially with the coworker. She correctly pointed out that it was very normal for the girl to not have mentioned her bf even tho I've been showing interest.. given that I did not straight up "ask her to date me." I am not putting this down very clearly and as convincing as she did, but... I got to admit I agree with her observation. The girl is simply making friends at work and being friendly.. although maybe a little more than usual.

So I decided the best course of action is to let things be.. as they are. We went out for lunch today, had a nice chat. I am not going to put any effort into this, as she's taken. However, I'm not going to stop talking to her.. in fact, in an ideal world I'd simply win her over. haha..... me and my fantacies.

Work is better too, crunch time is over. I have NEXT WEEK OFF. I cannot wait, a whole week of doing nothing AHHAHHAHAHAHHAA.

Slightly depressed, and just a tad bit insane right now. But I'm ok today, I think.

Burn

Friday morning, receiving an e-mail from her..

".. my bf sent it to me."

Ouch.

I felt like she let a curve ball out and hit me right in the crotch. I had not seen this coming whatsoever... things had been moving well. We were starting to call each other through our extensions at work, not to mention the e-mail conversations. We even went out at lunch on Thurs, just to T n T like a couple. Thurs afternoon, I went by her desk to say bye while leaving, and she gave me the cutest smile ever. And then Friday, I got this. She's talking to me as if she doesn't expect me to have any sort of reaction to knowing that she already has a bf..

Just got back from camping earlier today, it was an interesting experience. I ended up consuming a 12 pack of Kokanee, some Grand Marnier.. and multiple sessions of the good stuff. Lacking sleep however. What I had found out on Friday brought my mood down to its lowest possible, so I ended up drowning myself in booze.

Much has happened on the trip.. but I am too lazy to type anymore. I'm just devastated. My hopes and dreams, all shattered. Life apparently has no mercy.

Fiona, CL, Mary, Jenn, Evelyn, Sharon, and now Viv...... every single time, I give it all I've got, with all my heart. And in return, I end up devastated with full body agonizing pain.

"I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost barely enough to stay alive."

so.

Camping is in a couple days.. gonna be leaving Fri straight from work. Been looking forward to this, I picture non-stop alcohol and herbal consumption. However, my buddies are thinking otherwise. They want to do hiking, hot spring.. etc all that other shits. All I feel like is chilling at the camp grounds, sippin' a cold one and relaxing. I guess life just ain't perfect!

Still feeling tired, really needing those 15 hr sleep marathons. I guess that'll have to wait till next weekend. Last minute shopping for the camping trip tomorrow nite, hopefully it can be taken care of quickly. Work is picking up, as the deadlind is this Fri. The atmosphere in my department is almost errily quiet. The mood is so dead, the work is so frustrating for everybody. I'm just doing what I can to help out..

And of coz her...... we talked a few times today, walked her to the printer. Yea, doesn't that sound pathetic. I guess it's over, but it isn't as bad as I thought it'd be. Still....... I'm getting absolutely nowhere.

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah

I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah

I let the melody shine,
let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now

But the airways are clean
and there's nobody singing to me now

maybe tomorrow?

Something that has become painfully obvious.. in the office, she is stone-cold to me. Even if I walk over to chat with her, she'll barely say hi. But when we went for lunch/walk before, or even on e-mails that we send to each other in the office, she seems somewhat interested... or if not, at least not stone-cold. What's going on here?

She turned down walk/lunch again today.

I feel like I've been shot.

maybe tomorrow

I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

love

What is love?.

I read this story that she sent me today.. a very touching love story. Makes me think, really. The message of the story, "love can only be felt, not described." I agree.

We went for a walk during lunch hour today. We ended up walking in a circle around the parking lot of the building haha.. too short. She said it was windy, I dunno? She declined lunch tomorrow, claiming that going out to eat is "fattening." Are things going downhill already? I can't tell, I really can't. Or maybe I can feel it... but doesn't want to admit it.

It's only been a week, or less? Don't tell me this is it. I think I've done what I could.. am I pushing too much maybe? Only god and she knows. I can't afford to fall into the friend zone again.. because it's what always happens if I just let it flow naturally.

Our conversation today wasn't quite right for some reason, it didn't feel like Friday.. was I too nervous? Maybe she was? I can't tell.

My depression is setting in again. My senior told me today while I was thinking about this, "Victor, you look angry." I wasn't angry for sure, I was experiencing distress over her. I guess I can't hide it at all..

  • Bird York - In The Deep
  • Strereophonics - Maybe Tomorrow

Crash

No, not me.. the movie. Finally had a chance to watch it, and honest to god it surpassed all of my expectations. Now I understand why my coworker was raving about it so much. Loved the topic, loved the intriguing questions and posibilities explored by the film. The illustrations of the different characters and their relative stereotypes and conflicts were very good. Given that I'm a minority (Chinese) myself, this film struck me very deeply. Many powerful emotional scenes in my opinion, especially the end while the director dude was watching the thrown-away car burn..... also loved the music, enhanced and complimented the scenes very beautifuly.

It has become one of my favorites, along the likes of Seven, Fight Club, Blow, Sin City, and such.

I wonder how she's doing up in Edmonton.

MEDIUM

So we did go for lunch today.. it seems as if she went in to work early, just so she could still take an hour lunch with me since she was leaving early. Not sure if she just needed to do that for work, or if it's just my wishfull thinking.... anyhow. I was quite unease for most of the morning, unsure about if she was gonna bail out. It turns out me and her have more in common than I originally thought.. very similar backgrounds. Also surprised that she's older, by two years i estimate. I hope that doesn't turn into an issue, as women that I know tend NOT to date younger guys with no exceptions. We had a nice conversation throughout the ride and at Wendys... her innocent lean-ins, have already gotten a hold of me.

I am not sure what is going to happen from here on.. for some reason I'm being pessimistic about this, although things appear to be moving fine.

I really, honestly hope it is not because I'm still thinking of her.. it's been more than enough suffering.

I don't konw how to pray.

aiyaya

Even tho I was expecting it, it's still hitting me a bit. The "lunch date" might not happen, as she's swamped with work. Given that I work in the same company as her, I am inclined to believe that as I'm busy as heck myself. It's still disappointing, especially since she's away for the whole weekend. Hopefully next week, it'll happen.

I'm just thinking, the least I could do tomorrow is ask her to go for a walk to wherever, and grab food quickly. That should be good? Beautiful day, Friday... good setting right? I surprised her with an iced cap today, I think it worked :P Things seem to be moving along nice and steady, aside from the minor bump tomorrow......

And I'm still praying.

Heaven

It's been awhile, but I've actually met someone. We've noticed each other at work previously, the innocent smile here and there.. been caught staring, and I was never quite sure if she despised me for that, or not. Now, something seemingly magical has begun, just begun. A "short" lunch date on Friday, I wonder how it'll go. Trying not to hype myself up too much, since nothing has really happened. But this feeling of being cared for and wanted, I've missed for almost two years now. She reminds me of her..

But hey, it's a brand new spankin' start. Still tired as hell, still exhausted since Sunday is still the only day where I got regular sleep..... but haven't felt better in my mind for, forever.

She mentioned that she moved down here from Edmonton.. I asked if she lived with roomates or what not.. she never quite replied. A very tiny slight thing, maybe she thought it's not important and didn't bother answering....... as long as it's not the dreaded words that she "lives with the boyfriend."

I've never prayed, but I almost feel like praying.

Stampede Week

Went three times this year.. saw Our Lady Peace, it was beautiful. Took another one of those antique picture, we did rugged western as the theme this year. I liked last year's Victorian better tho, just love that classy-ness.

Tired as hell, exhausted to the maximum. Been out till the early AM everyday this week since Monday until last night, and then work at 8:30 the next day. Gotta admit the constant going-out and tiredness keeps me from thinking too much. Sitting at home on a Friday night can be quite desvastating while I reminise.

So my doctor refuses to give me the second medication unless I stop drinking completely...... is she trying to kill me?.. The pain, the emptiness, I don't know how many weeks I would last.

I still wonder how she's doing.. is she even still in Calgary? Has she found the job that she so desperately needs yet? I've not seen her at Starbucks for months now..

another week's gone by

well well well, guess what, another friday... and I'm doing nothing again. Played some soccer tonight, ended up with millions of mosquito bites, scrapped knee, and lightly sprained ankle. Shows how out of shape I am. Was supposed to go play poker afterwards, but I bailed. After I got home and took a shower, I didn't feel it anymore..

I'm so tired from work and soccer, but now that I am at home, I can't bring myself to sleep, once again. My doctor (one of them) had told me yesterday that I am supposed to completely stop drinking, otherwise, she refuses to prescribe for me a secondery medication that I think will really help.

I can't do that. It's my only release right now. Looking forward to the next alcohol-involved outing, wherever it might be.

Oh yea, Stampede is here.

LONELY ROADS & PSYCHO PATHS

LONELY ROADS & PSYCHO PATHS

Time has been at a standstill, without you.

I've finally given in and tried this blog thing. This is one of the darkest hours of my life, thus far. Overwhelmed by loneliness, envelopped by the emptiness. I have no one I can talk to about this, my friends just don't understand.

To think that all this loneliness is simply caused by the lack of romance.. is pathetic. Sometimes I think of myself as a pathetic loser, and can't help but do so.

Last night, I dreamt about her. I dreamt that I'd finally gotten a response from her, and that we were seeing each other again. It turned sour in my dream, as it once did in real life. It's been months, her ignoring me... internet, calls, sms.

It's been almost two years.. since we were seeing each other. But I just can't let go. She was initially just another one, and then, she was special.

Left with nowhere to express my thoughts and emotions, no one to turn to.. I wonder if ANYONE would even end up reading this.