Try

Lots of thinking, lots of reading, lots of soul searching this weekend.

Somewhere along the line, we became a toxic relationship. It didn't matter what was said, or not said, we inferred it in a negative way. I am jealous, and envious, of everything and everybody else she is talking to, because I was afraid of losing her to them. Somehow, I started to take her for granted.

I forgot why I fell in love with her in the first place. I forgot why I asked her to be my wife. I forgot why and what makes us smile.

But I remember now. I don't want to throw the life that we have built together away. I want to try. I am willing to do whatever it takes.

But what does she think? Is it too late?

I am committed to our marriage. Because I love her, and that's why it hurts so much.

Blow

"Throughout my lifetime I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost barely enough to stay alive."

Maybe this should be the end

I come home from work, I took the bus, and got home around 4:35pm. Really good time. Of course, she is not home. She gets off work at 4pm just like me, but somehow with a vehicle she does not get home till later.

She gets in the door, I said hi. She is very upset, she says her keychain fell apart again and dropped/lost all her keys. She goes on to say that she hates that keychain, and will throw it in the garbage so she will never use it again by mistake. I said I want to hold on to the keychain - it has special meaning, we bought it in HK together. She freaks out, and says that I am not being nice and all I care about is the keychain when she lost her keys. I said that I assumed she found the keys, including the keychain, since she said she wanted to throw it in the garbage.

She continues to say that I am mean, and that I have no sympathy, and that all I care about is the keychain, and she had a shitty thing happen, and all I care about is myself. She says that why did I not say sorry and offer to help find her keys?

I said listen to yourself. You said that you wanted to "throw it in the garbage". I would assume that implies you have the keychain, and by extension that you found your keys. I listened to the exact words that she said, and made a logical conclusion.

I also said that she can change her keychains, as we took home a few so that she can change it since she has said it fell apart on her before. I said, I tried to help by reminding you that there are keychains that can be used. How is that not helping? She said it's not helping. She said she wanted to use another keychain, I said there are keychains at home you can switch into - and somehow that is not helping.

I am so upset and pissed, I tell her not to come for dinner.

She brings up wanting to put her name on the house, again - the only reason it is not is because she did not want her name on the mortgage. Every time she is mad, she brings up money. She thinks that somehow, any or all of this has to do with money. For some strange reason she thinks that.

I am upset. I do not want her there. I do not want to see her. I do not want to talk to her.

I go into the basement so that I can type this out in quiet. She comes downstairs, and confronts me saying what are you doing. She says why are you downstairs, she has her phone up and I believe she is recording me. She interrogates me, and I tell her exactly what I am doing. And she says, fine, and goes back upstairs.

This is ridiculous. Everything that I do or say is wrong.

Maybe this is the end, or should be the end. This is not a relationship. This is not a marriage. This is somebody who hates me. This is somebody who absolutely hates everything I say or do.

Would any amount of counselling make any difference? Look at the facts.


Life, Part II

My emails, not a priority. My texts, not a priority.

Your friends, definitely read those first. If it's volunteering, even more important.

No time to respond to me, because you are busy. Yes, but to others, you will make that time without them asking.

Going home to my parents for a family dinner, is a chore for you. I am sorry that what I feel is important to me is not the case for you, and I've always said that is fine, you can just let them know you are not coming. I have always made that clear. I cannot, and will not, force you to do something, anything.

You said you wanted to travel, you don't understand how your good friends always seem to be doing that. So I made it a point to book a vacation for your every birthday now.

You said you have never had a good turn out for a birthday party, ever. So I planned a party for you and invited all your friends, without you asking. When I asked your three good friends for help, I did not expect what would happen. Your best friend, simply said she was too busy and couldn't read the emails - she did nothing. Your other good friend, tried to suggest different plans with her relative's cake making business - at the end, she did nothing. Your last good friend, I am thankful she picked up the cupcakes. You spend so much time and effort on everything for them, and guess what, that, is how they treat you for your surprise birthday party. I did everything.

........................

I thought that at some point, there would be relief. It started with the ex, house with the ex, estate stuff, investments, hair loss... These you had no control of, but then there are these... Alicia's wedding, volunteering, best friend's birthday, off the top of my head. The time and effort spent.... compared to our own wedding? You repeatedly remind me that you did the wedding because I wanted it. Sure, yes. What is sad, is that it seems it mattered much less to you than all these other things.

I want a wife, who loves me, that I love. I have always placed you first, but I can't help but feel I need to change that. Because it doesn't feel reciprocated.

I am just your inconvenient mistake, that you are choosing to tolerate and live with, for now.


LIfe

She comes to pick me up to go home after work. She was a few minutes early, a pleasant surprise - doesn't happen very often.

We go on our way, she talks about her work day. She describes how her boss asked for changes to be made which she felt was inconsistent or incorrect. Regardless, she disagreed with what her asked for. She describes how she voiced her opinion to her boss, yet he did not appreciate her input.

Trying to make her feel better so she can move on, I tell her as I always do that she has done her part by expressing her opinion, and then all we can do is just do as we are told since it's our job. She got agitated that I expressed my opinion, and says she just wanted me to listen and agree with her.

I went on to say that yes, her boss is ridiculous. What I heard, was that she described her boss being unreasonable and she just said that she just wants me to agree. I tried to do that by saying yes, I agree, your boss is ridiculous.

She got mad. She felt that I insulted her. I am not sure how. I have no idea why.

I tried to switch the topic, I think. I'm not too sure anymore. Maybe she did, regardless she brought up that she is going volunteering tomorrow night and running on Saturday. I asked, what is the plan?

She got mad. She said how come I did not ask her more about those things, why I did not show interest, why I did not feel excited for her.

I said to her two things. First, I said that's why I asked what is the plan. I did not know enough about those things to say anything. I knew she was doing a run in Silverado, but when does it start and end? Should I come watch? What is her plan? I did not know, and she has never said.

I also said, no, I am not excited about these things personally. I respect that she enjoys and chooses to do these things, but I do not find them interesting myself and to me they are boring. I reiterate that I respect that's what she likes, and she chooses to do them, and I respect that. However, she has to respect that I have no interest in them.

She got even more mad.

She said the words divorce. She said that marrying me was a mistake. She said that I insulted her, and I insult her everyday.

Everything, is my fault. No matter what.

At the end, a few days later, I apologized for insulting her.. It makes no sense, but I apologized because that is how she felt and received everything no matter what I actually say or mean.

Was it a mistake? I am starting to agree with her.

This marriage is sad and painful. I feel that no matter what I say, I am just on a land mine. If it's something she likes or feels positive about, I am afraid to express my opinion because she might receive it as an insult to her.

..........................................

Yesterday, after dinner - a delicious dinner that she made, I ask her to bring her wine over to the couch and we can watch some videos on the ipad together. We start watching, her phone rings, she goes to answer it. I knew she might be waiting for a call, since she said an out-of-town guy-friend of her's had big news and she, needed, to call him. She said, a quick call.

I sit on the couch and browse on the ipad, hoping she won't be too long, and just wait so I don't miss when she gets off the phone.

An hour and a half later, she does. I tell her that there's a seat here for you, come over here. She says that she had to go put the food away and proceeds to walk away. Agitated, I say to her that I waited for you this whole time and you can't even come over here to hang out for a little bit? She gets mad. She says something about me being too excited and it makes her not want to come.

..........................................

She rather talk to, or hang out with, her friends than me.

She rather volunteer, or work, or hang out with her work people, than me.

She rather drive at lunch to pick up a board game for her friend, I have no idea what for, than to drive to meet up for lunch with me. Drive to her friend's home to visit because she is sick during lunch, again, rather than to hang out with me. She loves it. She eagerly does it.

But for me, she does it only when I make it an issue and she makes sure that I know she did it just for me. When she does something nice for me, she makes a point to say was I nice to you? I did it just for you, you know.

I don't understand this. This is not love. This is not marriage. This is not the life I want.

What it feels like, is that I am just an inconvenient mistake that you now have to live with. You keep track of things that you do for me, so that you can point them out at anytime to say, look, I did this just for you - am I not nice to you?

This is just sad. What is the point?


April 2017 - Part 2

I made a mistake, caused a big mis-communiation and upset my wife. I texted my wife around 3:30 pm about picking me up to go home at 4:15 pm. I did not receive a response until 4:11 pm that said “Running late.” Thinking that it was a relatively nice day out, I texted back saying that I will walk home and see her at home soon.


Around 4:22 pm, I get a text from her that she is parked. I called her and said that I am walking and almost home. I then catch her while she is parking at home. She says that was a real dick move and she was pissed. I didn’t understand why she was so upset at first, and I said that we had a misunderstanding. I really thought that since she said she was running late, I would make things easier by just walking home so she doesn’t have to come get me.

She pointed out that I made the assumption that she would see my text, and wouldn’t even wait 5 minutes. Thinking back, I understand why she is upset. I should not have made the assumption that she would see my text. I should have called, or just waited she responded or showed up.

It was my fault, my wife is mad and rightfully so.

All that I ask she understands I did not mean to stand her up. My intention was to make things easier, but I made a mistake and just assumed that she would see my text. I would never intentionally do anything to piss off and screw my wife over.

This whole thing saddens me, not because she is mad at me. I was wrong, I made a mistake. My wife should be mad at me, and I deserve it. What saddens me is that our relationship has become so adversarial where everything is viewed through the lens of a microscope. This goes both ways and I am talking about myself as well.

I just want to love her forever and take care of her and make her the happiest woman alive. I love her unconditionally, no matter what. Always have and always will.

April 2017 - Part 1

She starts working at home on her laptop around 9:40 pm. The Flames are in the playoffs in perhaps their last playoff game. She sits with me on the couch but she is working. I can’t help but be extremely aggravated and mad. She is working overtime again. She worked an hour and a half of overtime and came home late last night already. When I said she can just go in late this morning or come her early, she says she won’t because the website has to launch. She says she will take time off after that.


It’s 10:20 pm, I am shaking because I am so mad. This whole time I have not even been able to say a word. She looks at me and says this is ridiculous, and leaves with her laptop to go to work.

This is ridiculous.

My wife cares too much about her job, her work, the company that she works for. I hate it with every bits and ounce of my energy, I hope they crash and burn and have no money and go bankrupt. I hope she does not work for them. I would rather she does not work than work for them. 

This is on-going and does not get better. It’s horrible and absolute bullshit.

She says she will take time off after things are done. They will never be done, they will just give her more work. Even if she takes time off, how does that make anything up? Her company has a “unlimited vacation” policy. Even if she does take time off (which she frequently still checks her email on her phone), it’s just taking time off. It does not “make up” for any overtime she puts in.

She seems to realize this, but is okay with it. She defends her company every time. Her workplace is ridiculous and absolute garbage. She is better than that, and she tries to do everything and lift them up.

It damages our relationship.

I do not want any part of our work to be home. She does not know how to detach and leave work at work. Why do I have to share my wife my her company?

February 2017

We are about to catch a flight to Vegas for our honey moon and her birthday today at 6:20pm. It is a complete blizzard outside, our plan is to park at my parent’s house and then we have a cab booked at 2:40pm to take us to the airport.
As of this moment, she is still working from home on the laptop. I just did all the dishes that are in the sink, I just looked at the fridge and took out all the food that probably has to be dealt with (eat, throw out, freeze, okay to stay in fridge until we get back). 
The luggage is not fully packed and lying open on the floor, I have no idea if she is ready to go and she is still working.
I will ALWAYS book an early flight from this day forward for all of our vacations. This is the worst way to start a vacation ever. Her alarm clock goes off at 6:30 am which of course wakes me up. Sure I can try to go back to sleep but it doesn’t always work and even if I am able to get back to sleep, it’s not the same. You know it and I know it. She is then working and doing conference calls on her personal phone from home. Do they subsidize her phone bill? Definitely not, if they do she has never mentioned it. This just kills the mood for the vacation. Who in the right mind, would NOT take the whole day off and then have to rush and end up hectic going to the airport for their vacation? Especially when today is a Monday, and the company has an UNLIMITED VACATION TIME policy.
I will bet anything, that at the end of 2017 she would NOT have taken even 3 weeks vacation in total which is what she had at her last job. She used to take unpaid time off to have more vacation, now it’s the opposite. 
I just asked her if she planned on eating the leftovers that are cooked from last night, and she just says “I am kind of stressed out right now, so just chill.”
I am VERY stressed out right now, so why don’t you just stop working get off the stupid laptop and take some UNLIMITED VACATION TIME that the company so proudly boosts of.
Before you even took the job and told me about all this unlimited vacation policy and stuff, I knew it in my heart that this would happen. I knew it and had no doubt this would happen.
I should have stood my ground and say no I 100% oppose you taking this job.
You love this job, but I hate it. I hate your job so much it makes me want to throw up every time I even think about it.

Words

When we both truly love each other and treat each other as the single most important aspect of life, it shouldn't be this difficult.

Taking a moment to give each other a hug, to send/read a text, or to make or answer a call, should always be a joyous thing, never an annoyance - no matter what. Every single one of those things, in everyday of my life, are the moments I look forward to each and every day.

Why are there always thoughts of preserving separate identities? The thought, of a “need” to preserve an identity separate from you, has never crossed my mind. It doesn’t make sense to me. It makes me feel like there is a lack of trust. I don’t need, to have a separate identity. My identity is to be together with you, the love of my life. There will never be another identity, because I would love to spend the rest of my life with you. I am not going to keep a separate identity, as some sort of fallback. We’re together, in love, and a team. The same team, there is no me against you, or you against me. It should be natural. Everything should be natural. We’re in love; we naturally become each other’s identity, one in the same. That’s what naturally happens when we truly love each other. It’s not about me taking over your life, or you taking over my life. We are building our lives together. And if that’s not what is happening, then something is really wrong.

I never feel like spending time with you or doing things for you is a waste of time, or sacrifice. It’s always the first thing I rather do, over everything else. Because I love you, it’s simple as that. I don’t ever question that or have to think about it, because it’s straight from the heart.

I need somebody who will place me as number one in their life, no matter what. I feel that is the essential basis of a true and loving relationship. Nothing else, at all, should ever get in the way. Each other, and our family, should always be above all else. If we’re not willing to give all of ourselves to each other, then what are we doing? How are we going to be happy? How are we going to start a family? Are we just lying to ourselves telling ourselves that we truly love the other person and will do anything for each other?

Why would what make us happy be different? We make each other happy, isn’t that the simple basis of us falling in love? You make me happy, above all else. I would rather be with you then anyone else, and spend time with you over anything else. That is how much I love you. It’s not something I’ve had to think about it, it’s simply how I feel because I love you more than anything else.

Being in love and a relationship shouldn't feel like a business transaction. Negotiating over how much time we spend with each other, how much we see each other friends, how much of anything. That’s not what being in love should be.

We only have limited time and energy, no matter how much we wish we had more of it. I love you, and I choose to spend as much of it on and with you rather than everything else. I do less of other things, and can’t do everything I want to do because that’s impossible.  I know that you also have a whole list of things where you do less of now than before, just like me. None of us can have our cake and eat it too. It sucks, and everybody has to pick and choose, and you are my number one, simple as that. What’s important is that I don’t feel like any of these are sacrifices, because they are not. We don’t give up anything, but instead have everything to gain. Spending my time and energy on and with you is what I choose to do because I love you. You make me happy, and nothing else make me happier. Nothing at all. I do it willingly and happily, without giving it a second thought, because being with you is better than anything else I could be doing instead. It’s not hard at all, because I love you more than anything else. I don’t think of you needing to do any particular things for me in return, ever. All I ask is that you treat me the same way because we are in love. My biggest fear is to be regretful in the future, and wishing we had spent more time and energy with each other. If that’s not how we both feel about each other, than something is not right. When we are in love, what makes us happy should not be different things – it should always be each other.

Where do we go from here? We have a big fight every single week, for the exact same reasons. How do we make this work?

Happiness, found.

After all these years, I've finally found her.

Moved on from her, and her. Found the new her. The real her.